The dance..the limit…and on it goes

Most normal people have limits and boundaries. I hate saying ‘normal’ because that is quite a generic term and really who was it who defined normality in the first place? Where did the term come from and what does it really mean. Most define it as not abnormal, conforming to standard and an approximate average. Do we really want to be average? I know I don’t. I know I am not.

It has been a struggle these last months. A constant dance of sadness, despair, heartache, feelings of loss and isolation and then periods of mind numbness and nothingness. And then periods of anger, resentment and frustration at myself, at him, at my parents, my sons illness and other things but mainly the first three. Aside from having him in my thoughts all the time until recently this time forced me to deal with other things I had long buried in the closet and it was sealed. Throw a hearty bout of depression on top and boy…whacko.

As I said, most have limits and boundaries. I realised that mine weren’t where they should be thanks to my dysfunctional childhood. That after my spiel of 2 days ago where it almost seemed as if he had finally gone out of my head he returned again yesterday and so did the tears. When I woke yesterday I felt so bereft because he was there again when I had thought ‘finally’ he had gone. I had tried everything. But the impulse was so strong yesterday. So I levered myself out of bed determined not to spend the day there and went to the gym for the first time in ages. It wasn’t easy but I did it.

And for a while it felt OK. But the problem was I went there almost everyday for months to get my level of fitness and health better over the time leading up to going and seeing him in the U.S and also had the added benefit of losing 15 kilos (33 pounds). And that had stuck with me. He was there the entire session even though I tried to fight it and even as those marvelous endorphin’s kicked in. By the time I got home I was in tears, I wept. How could someone pervade every aspect of my life, my every thought and breath? So profoundly.

I am not a well puppy. The level of cognitive dissonance is alarming and completely psychopathic (Psychopathic can also mean a failure to learn from experience). I am aware of it but I can’t seem to stop it for long.

It comes and goes more now but yesterday was difficult. My sleep should have been better last night after exercise but it was dream riddled and broken. And my first thought this morning was that it is his daughters birthday today (in Australia it is, it is the 10th August) and I wanted to wish her well. Maybe that is it. Maybe it is just the timing. 1 year since we first reconnected and all this bullshit began…the dysfunctional dance.

I know I shouldn’t but I so want to have a drink today to distract myself. No it’s not a habit, but some days it would be easy for it to be. I need music as well…just to forget for another day…

This song is going through my head – THE KING IS DEAD by Go West

I think I will finish this later…


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