It’s hard to tell right now. I am still in the next morning haze. In fact, it’s entirely possible I am still slightly inebriated. I did not get to bed until after one a.m. Wasn’t pretty. Had to be done. The stomping of that sucker so hard into the ground there would be no coming back from it. There was no other way…I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I’d hit my limit.
And anyway, I needed to treat it in the same way I was treated…with disdain. I’m not usually a tit for tatter but after all was said and done….it just may have worked. There is no compunction.
I’ve written a few times previously with next day remorse. A..at the imbibing! and B..regret that I did the long distance equivalent of a drunken dial..writing an email. BUT. I did not do that last night. I had no urge whatsoever to make contact. In fact I listened to every song that played without any sad memory or pain about him. Every time his imaged dared to peak my mind would immediately replace his with the gorgeous face of my current carrot…the handsome and debonair Aussie entrepreneur…he had to have clout to push the other out of my head (I had read somewhere recently where a woman did that..every time she thought about the ex she would say to herself ‘no’ and she would imagine her new partner to be…and eventually it the picture of her ex would no longer form in her mind). I couldn’t use Brad Pitt or George Clooney, I actually am not attracted to them at all, funnily enough. I’ve never been able to work out what the deal is there, except for the fact that they are damn good actors!
It sounds crazy I know. But the mind is a tricky thing and you need to fight back in whatever way you can…create new pathways. Love sucks, no, let me change that by saying it sucks when you love the wrong person. I dated a handsome frenchman once…it’s true what they say about them! But we had a lot of fun, especially on our trip all around the South of France and his stock standard response to most things was “C’est la vie!”. Too right.
This whole scenario had almost put me in the ground. It should never have got to where it got to. But it did. It is one thing to be in a bad depression but to be in one with grief from a broken heart, knowing you were deceived in whatever form (I must say..loving a narcissist is one hell of an experience..it really fucks with your mind), through loving the person you thought was the one…I know I’m not the only one who has lost love its an age old story. But something has died….a number of things have…parts of my past also and I needed to grieve it.
Now to work on getting completely out of the overwhelming nothingness I have felt in the last weeks. For the last weeks I have not been able to look forward…if I did..all I could see was more of the same and it scared me. I did not want that. I have never felt so alone and yet I isolated myself….that is depression. You don’t want people to see you failing. And many just do not know what to say to you or how to help. They can’t really. It is up to you and yet somehow it’s not either.
I do feel I am coming out of it finally. I must take it one day at a time I know but perhaps this is it? Please…..