swing from the chandelier…happy anniversary arsehole

Probably shouldn’t write now…don’t care…actually felt OK after my first few margarita’s..now well past that..where is it in the rule book that says even though you know you are going to be a depressed nutter tomorrow you must withhold..oh feck it..sick of sitting like a mummy in Le Louvre.

Had enough. Yes I will have a bad headache, possibly feel shite about many things..oh feck it. One day in a week or so. Letting loose.

Today is the one year anniversary that he sent a connect request on Linkedin (which I have subsequently disconnected). Admittedly, he saw that I had looked at his profile…I looked. He recognised me. From when I was 16?

I am full of regret for responding to him. Admittedly 3 days later, but I responded. IDIOT.

It’s almost one of the those sliding door type situations. I sooo regret it. It had the worst repercussion through the last year of my life. The timing was fecked. I have always said, live without regret. But I regret that.

Funnily, the last day or so the pain seems to have subsided where he is concerned, there is still other shit. Now I am just dealing with the constant visions. And regret.

But I am substituting his face with the face of a lovely man who is a very successful and attractive Australian businessman. Shit, it has to be someone with presence and gorgeousness, how else am I going to escape from him. I and he had trained my mind to believe he was someone of awe. He wasn’t, but that is what my mind had accepted and plays on rote (Narcs are very good at that). I have been trying to strike that by replacing the visions and thoughts.

Not easy, programming. He helped build a story. Hilarious really. Particularly the “I have the body of a 35 year old” (amongst other gems)…he is almost 60! Yes, I guess its possible, but …HE DIDN’T when I finally saw him. Although in all honesty, I hadn’t believed that one anyway. But I didn’t care, by that time I loved him, thoroughly.

But he was full of DELUSION, and I fell for some of it. He was sort of hot when I first met him..when I was 16 and he was 25 (see photo in early post, May). Sort of. If I am to be honest, at that crucial point in time, I wasn’t sure then. How did I become so convinced this time around? I just remember an aura.

I still kinda feel sad about it. His daughter turns 12 on Monday and for days I felt like I should’ve sent her a card from Australia..stamp and all, to let her know I was thinking of her…but then he would probably bin it anyway..its different for kids these days, everything is online. But I do also remember her calling me “her” and he calling her out about it, and also her deleting all the photos from my phone when I let her mess around with it. I thought it was by mistake but these days I’m not sure. I think she may be the spawn of satan and his bride (or not, he didn’t marry her that speaks reams)..sounds awful to say that, and I love kids, and I do worry about her too considering… but lately…I just don’t know.

I hate feeling this way, I always see the best in people and struggle to see the bad. It does my head in.

I am starting to sober up. I stopped drinking an hour ago, drinking water. Haven’t eaten. Lost my appetite lately, its swings and roundabouts.

Was listening to some good music though. Great Aussie girl SIA and this song in particular https://youtu.be/2vjPBrBU-TM Chandelier…Love the lyrics…I want to swing from the Chandelier…Chandelier ahh…I think I would right now if I had one!

Don’t feel as miserable as the previous days…it helps I don’t pine for him anymore…replacing his image…stopping the BS thoughts…

Now to deal with the rest.

Each day as it comes….

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