It was hard to wake this morning again. I kept waking in the night and all the bullshit was going on in my head. That’s just it, it’s all in my head. Like a consistent set of newsreels playing the same stories over and over again. Believe me if I could find the off button I would switch the bloody things off.
I had to go to the Doctor on Monday and that was hard. Being out in public is hard right now. I had a conversation someone whom I kinda know (she runs a coffee shop next to the doctor, which was thankfully empty whilst I had to kill time before my appointment) say to me “you just have to be strong, forget about it all and go on with your life” and I replied “don’t you think if I was able to, if it was that easy I would have done it by now?”. She said “I know it isn’t easy, you just have to do it”.
Again…if I could do it I would have bloody well done it by now…I am not making this shit up for the fun of it….for attention and entertainment feeling so sorry for myself as some have put it.
Hence, the continuous struggle when you are in depression…people just DO NOT GET IT…Many have no ability( nor patience or compassion to) to understand the world from a depressed persons perspective. They think in simple terms of black and white, just snap out of it you will be fine…its another reason I isolate. There is no point being around people with their eyes closed. I have no energy as it is let alone feel what little there is being sapped by these positive thinking normal vampires. I get angry and sad and then feel hopeless again. Then I realise it is impossible for people to understand what they have not experienced.
I read and see other peoples struggles, I realise I am not the only one at pain central and if anything my woes are nothing compared to more extreme cases. Last night I saw the end part of a show on how there is a severe lack of services and particularly expertise for the growing mental health crisis here in Australia and in particular the show talked about Service people; Army, Navy, Airforce who come back from active service in the middle east and how they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and they are put into a one size fits all course to try overcome it but it doesn’t work that way, they have been traumatised by a different set of circumstances and the one size fits all in no way covers their needs.
I know, I am highly aware my situation is nowhere near their experience and I hurt for them too (I am horrified at the thought of what they would have endured and experienced but I am sure it is never the same as being there in their shoes at that time)…I understand (to the extent that I can) their pain even though mine is not caused by the same circumstances it is pain nevertheless.
This is not a competition about who feels worse or is more ill. It is what it is. Sometimes I think this is why some just let go. They feel inadequate, they feel weak and they feel they are just in the way and that everyone is better off without them around, on this earth.
I am in tears again now as I write. That horrible feeling in my gut. I feel it. It is exhausting. I am in a very strange place after all these months.
I needed to write today. I felt a slight release after I wrote yesterday. At times this blog has been a good help, like a journal. There have been some wonderful people following me and liking my posts, they themselves have incredible stories of their own and often I am amazed at their strength and courage, their humanity. Their ability to move on from truly awful situations. I am grateful for them. It helps. I did not start this blog for anything other than catharsis and experience. But I am grateful for them. It is impossible to keep up with it all. I take one day at a time now, at this point.
Right now I need to sleep. I feel tired. I need to shut down my mind for a while..