I am starting to think that I am kryptonite to psychologists…It seems like the last couple have gone AWOL right at crucial times and I find myself back in the quagmire I seem bogged in. There is no point denying it. I am still in a bad place hence I haven’t blogged for a week. I haven’t had it in me until today.
2 weeks now I haven’t seen my psych. She’s had to cancel two Fridays in a row, the last because she is sick. That is perfectly feasible. People get ill, particularly in winter (Australia..southern hemisphere…winter)..flu season etc. But the same thing happened with the previous psych but her illness was apparently longer so I had to seek out a another.
Being the paranoid, depressed person I am right now I keep thinking its me! Have I outpsyched the psych? I am having serious abandonment issues! No thanks most recently to ‘he who shall remain nameless’.
I’m joking about it at present, I’ve just had cake. I got out of bed and made a cake. Just a moment ago I ate a large slice so I am buzzing on sugar. It was a sultana cake (high fructose as well). Making cake was good for me. It was action in an otherwise inactive day. I haven’t worked out for 3 months almost. I have gained 2 kilos. I don’t care there are worse things.
I have been excessively inactive in the last two weeks. So much so I did not even go outside for almost the entire 2 weeks. I have been back to the black, the dark place where all I did was sleep, read stuff on psychological issues (trying to self help) and broken relationships and narcissists and cried all the time. I felt immense pain and disappointment and hopelessness. And fear. My sons keep me here, nothing else. Thank god they are with their father now and older, I talk to them when able but they have no idea how bad I have been and I don’t want them to know. I know they don’t read my blog.
I have still been thinking about everything to do with Commander Whack Job (I did not coin that phrase, it was in an issue of Psychology today, an article about ‘how to survive a manipulator’). Funny actually, the poor woman who wrote it was a Journalist who was married to a ‘Commander Whack Job’, she called him that because he was ex U.S Navy just like my shithead but this guy was secretly professing to have been a Navy Seal and a whole host of other things and was a complete nutter/lier/manipulator/narcissist and really did a number on her. She ignored the Red Flags too. Apparently even the smartest of people will go cognitive dissonance because they want to believe people are being truthful. The story was a relief to me in a sad way..it made me realise how many other whack jobs there are out there and yet others fall for them and are left hopelessly bereft for a time like I am…hopefully not all of them (the nut jobs) are Ex U.S Navy (I’m sure they aren’t there are lots of great servicemen) and working for Cisco like mine. At least Cisco are getting their money’s worth out of his propensity to be a BIG talker/Narc. I’ve heard him in action on the job, exceptionally convincing, it is something to see. I’d bet his ‘Team’ thinks he is a god.
I know many will say why is she still on about this, its been 3 months, I kick myself all the time about it. In 3 days it will be a year since that connect request I got from him on Linkedin (after not seeing him for 30 years), and now I bloody well wish I had never reconnected with him. The memory of him was perfect from back then (early 80’s), he was handsome, romantic, generous (in some ways I am so glad I no longer have the beautiful jewelry he sent me when I was 16 and 17), he wrote me beautiful letters for a number of years after the ship went out (wrote my guardians when he couldn’t find me as I moved without telling him both overseas and over east as time went on!! I was young and trying to enjoy my life, I wasn’t ready for him then) and he was a gentleman.( He wanted to come back to me and Perth, settle here). I still believe he was that wonderful, then. And then the 30 years happened. The person he was no longer exists and what is in place now…well that’s what I struggle with daily to reconcile, still, 3 months after I walked out of his house with a horrible feeling in my gut that I had to walk out and heartbroken knowing he would shut down on me.
What he wrote and how he spoke to me for hours on the phone in the beginning of the reconnect was almost like the old him. He was pretending to be everything I thought he was and more, he uttered the words ‘I love you’ in the second week of our reconnect when we were on a 2 hour phone conversation Australia to the States, and I should have known then something was off…I kinda did, but I chose to ignore it because I was being love hazed comprehensively and fast and that coupled with the beautiful memory of him from years ago and the fact I was coming out of 17 years of antidepressant medication and a bad depression I HAD NO HOPE. I’m almost certain he knew exactly what he was doing. And everything is consistent with the narcissist playbook, you could tick every box line for line in every heartbroken love hazed narcissist/sociopath survivor blog and website. AND STILL. I loved him. It still hurts like a bastard. I keep thinking maybe there are other reasons for the things that happened that compounded it all like his daughters mother, whom he never married but there is so much he never revealed, he was smart about it. But bit by bit as I continue to post mortem because my mind just won’t let it go for some bloody reason, it is playing detective, and bits of memory of conversations and actions and inactions comeback and haunt me and his comprehensive shutdown/discard has not allowed me the ability to heal at all. The final bit of uncaring cruelty.
I am obsessed it seems, its like he still has control ever me and is sitting back laughing at me and how stupidly I fell for his bullshit. I did it, I hurt myself. I can’t seem to forgive myself for it.
I’m losing it….this is why I stopped writing because I was trying to avoid dragging it up and putting it down because it is still so painful. But it is part of an even bigger picture, a history.
I know I literally have abandonment grief (amongst other things) and even though Joe caused it this time it goes way back. I am also frightened again now about my capacity to be able to handle things if my son starts going down hill again or if I lose him. I had after years finally thought I had come to a place of acceptance about his disease and then this has brought me crumbling down again…my mind….I need my strength back, I feel weak….