Trying to recalibrate…….Days like this…

“When it’s not always raining there’ll be days like this
When there’s no one complaining there’ll be days like this
When everything falls into place like the flick of a switch
Well my mama told me there’ll be days like this

When you don’t need to worry there’ll be days like this
When no one’s in a hurry there’ll be days like this
When you don’t get betrayed by that old Judas kiss
Oh my mama told me there’ll be days like this

When you don’t need an answer there’ll be days like this
When you don’t meet a chancer there’ll be days like this
When all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit
Then I must remember there’ll be days like this

When everyone is up front and they’re not playing tricks
When you don’t have no freeloaders out to get their kicks
When it’s nobody’s business the way that you wanna live
I just have to remember there’ll be days like this

When no one steps on my dreams there’ll be days like this
When people understand what I mean there’ll be days like this
When you ring out the changes of how everything is
Well my mama told me there’ll be days like this”

Lyrics above by Van Morrison the song “Days like this”

The expression that usually means; even though its been a shit day the good one is just around the corner. Scott Thomas says in his review of the lyrics “The singer, steeling himself against disappointments and letdowns, does not want to feel too good on the good days: ‘When all the parts of the puzzle start to seem like they fit / Then I must remember there’ll be days like this.'”

I know what he means…Van that is. I have had so many much better days. Like the day the last time I wrote in my blog. I felt that old familiar feeling of steely resolve coming through and I wanted to march forward with it. And then I remember the let downs and disappointments, sadness and pain. (I know I am much better off than alot of people, I have food and shelter and warmth etc…I know believe me).

I purposely avoided all forms of Media over the weekend again. And alcohol. I took a vacation from human contact again (even though I am still pretty much isolating because of my depression and other reasons), aside from calling and talking to my beautiful sons (that, always makes me feel wonderful, hearing their voices…not as much as putting my arms around them but still).

I am trying to make permanent the things I am learning about myself and my way of thinking. I continue to practice what I have learned and been told by my psych. Trying to find the positive way forward, formulate a plan. At times now I just want to run back into life all guns blazing and then I remember that life as it was up until the point where he and I parted ways and I sunk into the mire of a bad depression is a life I no longer want to be a part of. And I freeze.

That was representative of a life of chaos, pain, loneliness and heartache (not just recent re him but over many years). Of bad decisions and loss. Of not being truthful with myself and living life inauthentically.

The only truth was my love for and my life with my boys, is. Everything else…is a past that I no longer for a vast majority of it want to be associated with although there were definitely good experiences and some good memories in there I am finding it hard to separate it into the keep and throw out piles because it is taking far too long.

There are days, much more now when I feel like I am finally ready to re engage. And then still a day like today will come when I feel like I simply do not have the energy or the capacity and I know what the outcome will be and I fear going back into that same pre all this time and that nothing has or will change.

How did I get here? Why hasn’t it gone away….I see brilliance on the horizon and something keeps dragging me back from the light.

I refuse to take medication. It is a bandaid solution. I have been there too.  Am I supposed to watch the days keep passing by until this magical switch is turned on and I can finally appreciate the marvelous opportunities I have? You could slap me right now, I wouldn’t feel it.

I still, nearly every day think of him (many will never understand this….but most days now only temporarily and almost completely without pain) and on days like today I wonder how a supposedly smart woman can fall so deeply, trust so openly and prize so highly a man who does not have the capacity to feel real love or empathy. Again today because of how I am feeling I have been reading about the barrage of other people…predominantly women but men too who have been ensnared into a relationship with either a sociopath or narcissist and how messed up you become and how long it takes to pull yourself out of horrible place you find yourself in and I fight hard to pull what ounce of sanity I have to remind myself…I am not the only one and I am not alone in this experience and so many have been so much worse off…so much worse off. But I also know how I feel is not just about him, but it was a brutal blow to a fragile, flawed mind.

I am told “the Narcissist has no use whatsoever for that which he can not control” hence the discard and devaluation without a second glance. And I know that the longer it becomes the more apparent it is that he was a narc. No care no empathy. No one with normal feelings and care could have allowed things to end as he did, under our circumstances, a normal person, capable of real connection with human beings would eventually feel some form of guilt or concern that even though they may no longer want to be with this person they would find a way to communicate it so that both parties are able to heal. Would feel some value in the friendship that was. Even though I know this my mind is still betraying me at times remembering and even making up good things and it is that that I am struggling with. How can I go out into the real world like some kind of vulnerable freak. I need to be able to trust myself. There is a strong, smart woman inside there, she is starting to show herself but she needs to be present most of the time not fleetingly and not under the cover of four walls where there is no reality of life.

I am working on trusting myself, it is taking time. And many days now I am starting to and it is gaining momentum…it needs to be constant and consistent. Writing this is helping. I feel the internal struggle and then as I write it starts to dissipate…the power of the fear…I am trying to recalibrate and there will be days like this….

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