I’m not sure what happened but the last day or so I have gone slightly backwards again. Actually, I do know, I took a chance to do something I enjoy and have 5 seconds of peace from my mind by having some wine and listening to music and ended up drinking far too much of the bottle, bringing up thoughts of someone who was just starting to leave my troubled mind and I’ve effectively taken the steps back.
I remember as I did it thinking I won’t feel that way because I have made incredible inroads out of my black hole, dealing with things and felt quite confident that I could partake without going down that road. He had began to not matter as much. Nearly 3 months its been.
I was wrong. I know I mustn’t beat myself up and I have spent far too much time back trying to analyse why I would want to make contact with him again. There is sometimes still, this overwhelming feeling that there needs to be a ‘do over’, that somehow it was all a bad dream and the good stuff is coming! What if he really isn’t a Narc and just completely misunderstood, it’s all some terrible mistake.
Why can’t I recognise that there is a difference between what my fantasy or what I thought he was and we could be and what the reality is.
I remember when I was with him nothing was even remotely as I expected. Even his kiss. He could not kiss (that in itself was strange because I thought I had remembered when I was 16 he was the most amazing kisser, but I was 16). His tongue seemed liked a lizards poking in and out with such frantic-ness (no technique) I remember pulling my head back for a second my mind saying “wait a minute. I wasn’t expecting that”. It was a bit like Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) in the episode where she has what she called “Jack Rabbit sex”, where the guy humorously bangs away like he’s jack hammering the sidewalk, her head pummeling against the bedhead and the next day she can’t walk properly and her neck is practically paralyzed. And then he has the audacity to say to her when she tries to nicely say lets just leave it at that; “If I knew you were going to use me for sex I wouldn’t have ‘made love’ to you like I did”. It’s hilarious.
And now when I think about it, there were so many other things that just made no sense whatsoever. Although there were certain things I expected and was right about too. Sadly. Why the analytics still? Why can’t I just let it go? It almost feels as if there is some kind of strange ‘something’ that sits in my heart that belongs only to him. That there will never be another for me even though I know he and I aren’t meant to be in this life. It’s madness, utter madness.
Maybe that is it. Even though I have gone through much, that I needed to deal with from a psychological perspective…stuff that can stay with you you’re entire life if you let it (stuff outside of this him and I situation), my mind is still trying to sort the wheat from the chaff, compartmentalise then deal. I am so much better but there is still some way to go.
I need my psych right now, she has a way of facilitating reality in my thoughts. Some days I just can’t do it on my own, still.
I wish he would just explain to me why he said one thing and did the other. Or that we could have parted in a nicer way. I keep thinking friendship in tact, but he was never really truly my friend even.
I keep thinking that he is himself psychologically damaged and that no one will realise it nor he and that he will never get the help he needs. I want to help him, I hate the thought that he will end up on his own, no support. Crazy I know, I can’t fix what doesn’t want to be fixed. It is not up to me and why should I want to. And maybe I’m just wrong about it all?
So many people look at you when you are mentally unwell and say you look alright, you look fine. But that’s just it. The illness is on the inside it doesn’t always blatantly show on the outer. Some of the most ill have adapted so well that you will never see what is really going on unless you have either been unwell yourself and know the signs or there is a very well trained and capable eye looking at you.
I’m sick of seeing these numbered lists telling you “so many ways to be the perfect person”, follow these ’10 ways to’ and your life will miraculously be magical. This morning, a well known website posted “10 ways to know your are uber smart” written by a a young girl who may possibly be quite smart but by virtue of the fact that she is barely in her 20’s with little life experience how could she possibly know these 10 ways for sure?
The internet has become a quagmire of self help gurus, they are a dime a dozen, everyone’s an expert. This is why I only write about my own experience and try not to tell people what they should or shouldn’t be doing. I am showing that I am an extremely flawed individual still finding my way along the path of life.
I’m nearly 50 and I know that I am only scratching the surface of what it is possible to know. It seems the more I learn the more bloody questions I have! …….straitjacket again pleasssse….