Yes, you’ve read correctly. Reporting live from dumb- arse central!
I am a dumb-arse! I am slightly smiling as I say it but a dumb-arse nevertheless. After a slightly worse day than others recently (it happens still but not as much or as bad now), I decided in all my wisdom to relax with a glass of Red and some music which is what I tend to do less frequently now because ultimately I know what the outcome will be and after so many months of struggle, learning lessons I don’t want to take the proverbial two steps back. I’ve done so well really?!
Nope. After a few glasses (it was, a nice Spanish Rioja) and not thinking about changing the Ipod from shuffle to the ‘No BS’ mix I specifically made for myself to steer myself away from songs that reminded me of ‘him’…inevitably the ‘him’ songs made their way through the speakers and I reminisced! Torturously, it was as a sneaky pleasure (!) I thought. It’s ok to think of the good things (what little there was) once in a while and fantasise about how things could have been (no chance they ever would have, but I have a vivid imagination particularly after mind-altering substances like alcohol…removes the boundaries..again I committed the ultimate act of self betrayal by emailing him.
Sad, so very sad, but true. He has to this very day stuck to his ‘no contact’ rule, so why couldn’t I? I’m only hurting myself. If he really is a Narc as I am almost certain he is and so is my Pysch then I have been succinctly relegated to the discard pile no longer part of the ‘supply’ chain. My ‘use by’ date long expired.
And by contacting him again I have shown myself to be even more damaged, neurotic and clingy than he told me I was “you need to work on yourself, let go of your dependencies, the past etc etc. I’m here, just don’t take another 30 years”.
I think the most painful part is that he was right. In the love bomb phase where I was bombarded with beautiful lines of care and pseudo love he managed to extract all that he needed to make these summary statements. His ability was astounding, or maybe not so he was playing with a very willing opponent. He told me everything I wanted to hear, and then eventually started the game of with-hold of contact and affection because he knew me so well. He would then come back for periods of a time and do it again “I can’t wait for our first night together. I will make love to you all night. I can’t wait to see you lying underneath me’.
I came to need him like I needed air. I trusted him wholeheartedly and I don’t trust easily.
Even now I can see that my actions only confirm his diagnosis. I can clearly see what I am doing wrong and yet I trip every now and then….no self control. All this therapy and back to almost square one? NOOOOO
NO WAY. Mindset. And ‘CUE’ text from a concerned friend;
“Alcohol tends to be a catalyst for doing things you shouldn’t, r regressing of some kind.Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’re only human. And its bound to happen now and then. But maybe getting boozy solo isn’t the best idea” (us Aussies are always to the point, and reasonably laid back! Part of our charm!)
My response “Ya reckon??!!!!” “No more solo endeavours” 😦 thanks my friend.
Now, to build that bridge and get over it!
LOVE AND WHITE LIGHT….the flawed one!