It’s been quite freeing the last few days walking away from social media and even this blog. Friday I was going to throw caution to the wind and have a different type of time out..with wine and music. I didn’t. And I don’t regret it.
I am starting to see things in a different light, and I like what I see. It is no longer coloured by negativity but a perspective that in every thing which appears to be incredibly painful there is also a blessing. I am finally grateful for my pain because of the incredible joy I have found in the lessons learned. Seriously.
I spent time this weekend doing things I enjoy…true time out. Often laughter, often at myself. At times processing and making sense of things and realising that some things aren’t meant to make sense. It just is.
This will be the possibly the last time I will mention ‘him’ because he no longer matters. There is a much better life beyond him. But part of my necessary processing and final let go was about him.
For example, when I think of ‘him’ now I only feel pity. Pity can be seen as a word to recoil from or patronising but it means to see something through the eyes of compassion amongst other meanings.
He will never know the kind of unconditional love he may have had from someone who cared so deeply, he doesn’t trust it and does not know how to accept it. Eventually he will know that people will realise how unwell and broken he is inside, including his daughter as she becomes a woman in her own right. She will question his inability to keep a normal relationship for any length of time and his actions. Why is there a trail of brokenness? I sincerely hope that she will come out of her attachment to him whole. I think of her often and feel sad for her. People who seek to control and hurt others with their actions will always be exposed in the end. He is trapped in perpetual motion that must in itself be incredibly tiring and debilitating to his health as much as at present it is thrilling in what he sees as his’wins’. These wins will eventually become hollow reality. Hollow. You can not hide from your demons they will eventually rise to face you.
His behaviour is part of an illness and it is one that will never subside unless he comes to a place of awareness and want to change. Sadly the track record is fairly damning for narcissists. You may want to be there and help and love them but in a majority of cases there is no way for a narc to accept that help and love because they do not believe they need help. They are unable to see it, or admit to it if they do. Their solid exterior is that only, exterior, inside they are a chaotic mess. What a horrible way to live your life. Always seeking the thrill of your next conquest, your egotistical supply and it never really being enough.
They always find supply because unfortunately there are other ‘brokens’ out there who are easily manipulated by the charm and simply just want and need what is on offer initially. It is very hard to resist. But with a narc, it can’t be offered for a long period of time, the thrill dies off easily, its simply never enough.
It has taken me a while to accept this for what it is. And I feel sadness for him, and for a long time I wanted to help him because I remembered who I thought was a divine promising young man that I fell in love with many years ago, in a very short space of time. I saw something in him, felt it, even though I was very young…now I know what I saw may have existed then but does not now. When I walked out he knew he would never have control of me again so I had lost my appeal…he cut me off. I no longer exist, I am of no use. Narcissists are incapable of empathy. What a gift he gave me in letting me out of his circle of pain. I am grateful.
And it is not what I want for my life and deep inside I knew it at the time I walked out but it has taken all this time to really understand that I was following my instinct, my intuition and that I should always trust myself. Lesson learned, the hard way but learnt nevertheless!:)
The other stuff, things that have weighed me down for so long no longer hold the same type of power or significance. They are significant but now I know it is because it has taught me what I needed to know.
Over this sad time of depression and grief it feels as though I have gone through a metamorphisis; completely emptied myself of despair, felt pain so unbearable, fear of what might happen to me if I let go of these things that bind me and complete confusion. I’ve felt completely alone and yet I coveted the isolation. I needed it to get through this. Part of the change has been to discard what I kept because for a long time I thought without it I could not survive, whether consciously or not it is what I felt I needed…including friendships. I was completely fearful of being alone and therefore kept a hold on ties that never really helped me at all and if anything were toxic.
Admitting to yourself that you have perpetuated this circle of pain of your own volition is extremely tough (admitting your part in it all). But it is necessary in the healing process. You can’t without it.
I have forgiven those that have hurt me or have not been a positive part of my life and even thought they will no longer play a part in it I am grateful that they did in the past. I forgive myself, it is impossible to go through life making decisions that are always right, it’s not human.
I watched an incredibly inspiring movie last night called ‘Belle’. Based in the late 1700’s and on a true story it is about an illegitimate, mixed-race daughter of a British admiral who plays an important role in the campaign to abolish slavery in England. It was amazing. It highlighted to me that you do not have to accept the will of others, who impose their own biases and prejudices and expectations. That if you remain true to you and combine it with action what an extraordinary difference you can make not only in your own life but in that of others…in good intention. With love, honesty, compassion and forgiveness.