Changing or re-wiring your thoughts takes time and takes incremental steps. I have been taking these steps.
Every morning now, well, for a good few mornings at least I wake without that horrible dread, that ‘what now’ feeling, that pull towards the dark. And even though and yes it seems ridiculous to me but it just is, I still have him pop into my head I seem more able to allow it and then it goes pretty quickly (it is very difficult to let go of the deep love you felt for someone even if it was bad for you). It coinciding with other issues that need dealing with slows things a tad. I am starting to feel more hopeful. Less blue. More sure that even though I don’t quite know what the future holds I know there will be one. (Unless I get hit by a bus or something…shouldn’t joke about that because I did get hit by a car many years ago but that’s in the past! See, I don’t tend to do things by halves!!:)). And then there are times when I say to myself, oh, just get on with it will you?
I was going through my emails this morning and on one of my accounts I noticed two Macy’s emails. Yes that huge department store chain from America. I signed up for emails apparently when I was over there and I bought 3 pairs of shoes in one go (no, I am not a typical female shoe nut I just happened to be at the store killing time…he (now nameless) had no time for me and I had already done some of the housework, been for my walk…he didn’t want me to go out but he didn’t want me there either so I decided to keep myself occupied..and usually I hate shopping!).
We don’t have Macy’s here, I wish we did, or at least the fantastic prices and range they have….Australia and more so Perth is just so ridiculously expensive still even though the mining boom is long over.
Once again I digress. The point was even though I finally am starting to change my thoughts there are still constant reminders of him and they come from the most ridiculous things and I realise as I think that my mind had conjured up a fantastical positive memory of him but at the same time now I know most of that was fallacy. Wishful thinking. Just plain silly. But I have been told and have read that many that have been hit by the tornado of narcissism feel that way, many spend years in therapy. I am lucky my exposure was relatively short this time, but it was enough to f..ck with an already damaged mind.
Simply was not true. It is that that I still struggle with. Admitting this is hard but necessary. At times it makes me feel like I have completely lost the plot and have some weird obsession for this man (even if he was not who I thought he was..he helped construct that image), this man who clearly was a narcissist and quite clearly either doesn’t realise it or chooses to ignore it (I often wondered why he kept saying to me he wanted a relationship where both watched each others backs no matter what, he knew how to treat the ‘right’ woman…perhaps somewhere there he knew it would take someone extraordinarily masochistic to hang in there under those circumstances, with him. At the time I was so in love and blinded I wanted to give him everything he wanted and more) …I had not even considered he may be (a narc) at the beginning until my Psychologist told me after going through things in depth about our history. It’s been 2 and a half months and I still need to get it out. And I don’t want to burden and annoy people with the same old story so I write..this was part of my reason for this blog. I am not unhappy any more, I know I am still a little stuck but it is changing, I just need to talk about it…as often I need to until I don’t. Until the things that remind me no longer do and are replaced by much happier, more real and worthwhile things…
That’s how badly my mind has been in need of fixing. Re-wiring, re-programming. I always feel so highly aware of how everyone else copes and recovers from bad events in their life and measure myself against that.
That is still there. The damage runs deep. But the healing is happening too. And as I said yesterday I can see a new world of opportunity opening up and its both scary and wonderful at the same time. Still times when I beat myself up but its less and less now and I usually can forgive myself…and say go easy old girl..C’est la vie!
I guess the alternative is scary, back to reality, but seeing it in a new light…without old prejudices and biases? After a lifetime of thinking a certain way, of viewing threw a tainted window.
Yesterday, they released a survey conducted here in Australia about what makes people happy (here in Australia, now). Some of the findings were quite hilarious particularly ‘the happiest women live in Queensland’ and don’t have a partner and the men are happier with a partner. It pretty much inferred that women are happier and healthier without a man in their life!
I wonder if there is something in that? It also said ‘don’t be poor and drink lots of wine’ I kid you not! see just one of the articles written about this study http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/the-recipe-for-health-and-happiness-in-australia-20150715-gibwxd Ahhh Aussies! Crazy.
I guess I need to test that theory now…stay single..makes lots of money..and drink lots of my favorite wine, oh and travel to the States more often to shop at Macy’s!….there..the answers been there all the time!