It has been many long and at times difficult weeks. I have swung from utter misery and hopelessness to’ I’m doing OK’ and things are starting to look hopeful. What started as a cathartic writing experience as I make my way through what has been a more difficult time in my life, a decision to wear it on the outside the process rather than keeping it in, has turned into something I love doing. I love to write, its been a godsend. It has been a revelation to me. I know I can’t do it as well as I want to right now, I am still working my way out of the quagmire of the end of a very sad and painful relationship/friendship, and ultimately a spiral dive into depression and possibly the dark night of the soul but this has been a gift in other ways. It is only now that I am seeing this…slowly.
Is it possible to come out of blinding pain and paralysing fear, and no picture of the future without help? No, I don’t think so. This time as I have said many times I have been operating with pain full force, without prescription medication, with a storage of bad history that has had crushing effect on my mind and I know categorically I would not still be here if it wasn’t for connection.
The connect of a few good and loyal friends (those I know are there still even if I haven’t spoken to them lately), my psychologist, my sons and the company I am still somehow attached to (they haven’t fired me) and have had no pressure from to force a miracle recovery. And this blog and the stories and support from other bloggers out there.
Then there is also as time goes on the realisation of what I have lost. Time, some of my life, people I considered as friends but now realise they have gone…for whatever reason..I accept that people come into and out of your life and those that are meant to stay do and others go and you are better off without them, they don’t add to your life and only take when the going is good and it suits them. It is human to want to be around happiness and positivity as much as you can. Life’s too short and all the rest of it.
I felt quite sad yesterday at this loss. Particularly some friends I have known for years, one lot met ‘him’ from when we first met years ago. I get the feeling they probably don’t approve of my writing so much and so openly about it all. And possibly see him in a different light, because they assume without truly knowing. And that is fine. It is not my place or intention to vilify anyone. I am just trying to sort my world and understand the reasons why things happen. Sometimes, there is no reason….it just is.
I have read a number of accounts of people in bad, sociopathic, abusive, narcissistic and just plain damaging relationships. There is always a flip side where people try to diminish the truth, not accept or believe the victims and for them I can understand the pain that must cause on top of what they are already experiencing. Only those that are in it can truly understand.
I am not a victim. I was a young child dependent upon two people to show me the the right way to approach life and they couldn’t. I was a young woman who fell in love with someone she thought was reliable and trustworthy only to find years later he wasn’t. I was a mother who depended upon medical doctors to provide the right answers about my son’s illness and for a long time they couldn’t. This is not to diminish the real and harmful details of these occurences and those that have read my blog will know that which I have referred minimally to.
But I am someone who has been associated with an incredible amount of sad and crushing disappointment in her life, and disappointment will always be around irrespective of the level of and I have to change the way I deal with it. In so much that I consider has been lost I have also gained.
After all is said and done, I should know by now…how to…People. People will let you down. You, will let yourself down. It just is..
And then you see amongst the disappointment the love and compassion and human kindness where sometimes you least expect it. And it is that on good days that you must hold on to and pay it forward when possible.
I am grateful for all the many blessings in my life. Time to move forward.