You will breathe again…finding you…

It’s been a bloody long journey, I am starting to breathe again.  Some people, particularly those blessed with sound mind are able to ride out life’s tough times with barely a scratch. Generally, everyone has it tough at some time in their life. It’s the Yin to the Yang, the cycle of life. It’s not realistic to be happy and flow easily all throughout life…and anyway, how boring would that be?! There needs to be bad to really understand the good, its about balance. And it’s reality.

Some people for some damn reason get dealt the shit cards (sorry for the language, sometimes there is just no substitute when making a point!) and spend a great deal of their time on this earth in struggle and in those times isn’t it understandable to wonder “why me?”. Others have things taken out of their hands, no say in the matter.

We have become a world where empathy is temporary. We want to see positive and happy all the time it makes us feel good thinking that there is no bad or evil, just Kardashians!  We don’t have to work on anything if we ignore it, the bad stuff, it’s someone else’s problem. Anyway, don’t we have enough on our plate to deal with? There are enough ‘do gooders’ out there to help out, I’ll just sit on the sidelines and clap the champion and all will be well. I’ll just listen to the feel good stuff, that other negative wallow is a downer man. Who needs it?

The general school of thought is that you can ‘think positive’ and all will be well. I agree to some extent, I myself have gone down the mindfulness path amongst other things, thinking positive and being in the moment helps but it fails to take in the realities of life, sometimes things happen that you have NO CONTROL over. If you suffer from any form of mental illness and for many it is not through any fault of their own (we are all a product of our environment), or any other illness it is not always possible to just will it away. I do believe it’s possible to attract prosperity and good will but it has alot to do with the action associated with the thought. That is not to say it is fine staying mired in the victim mentality either (but reality is it is not always an easy process to come out of that way of thinking).

The mind is so powerful. I am in awe of the things I have learned over this period. And now it seems that things that have happened were a necessary part of this journey that is my life. I was dealt these cards and now I have chosen to deal with it in a way that has been difficult but I think well worth the effort. It’s not quite over, it would be unrealistic to think I have magically fixed everything and it is all smooth sailing from here, however I find myself opening the curtains and the tight feeling in my chest is being replaced by the more even flow of breath. I am asthmatic, but it is well under control, and I’m not talking about asthma! The horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach has gone. I can actually see forward now and know that there is the possibility of a much brighter future. It may not be the one I had envisaged, but it could actually be so much better. (I had reached an almost similar point last year after I had finally stopped the anti-depressants and then Joe came in and created more damage and didn’t care that he did…but it was the final act in years of my acceptance of people walking over the top of me. BUT IT IS THE FINAL ACT. I will no longer live that way. My awareness is acute but not defining….Love, compassion, forgiveness, hope, strength).

My psych said to me on Friday that the things I have been trying to deal with and clear are truly shitty things that many would not have pulled through as I have. She said it takes courage to become an ‘active’ participant in healing wounds inflicted deep over many years (but it did take me a long while to become so). She was quite complimentary strangely and in between tears I would look at her and laugh and she would say ‘you don’t believe me but it is true’. When you spend time in true realisation and start breaking down the powerful forces that you have not been able to acknowledge and let go of but they have been destructible forces, some within, yet many not within your control it is hard to see the real you inside. Somewhere along the way I disappeared.

You need someone to say ‘I see you. I feel you and it is OK’. And don’t expect it from others, most don’t have the capacity for it. Those that do will show themselves. It’s nobody’s fault, it just is. But you need to see you the most because that is what is often neglected when you become the welcome mat that others wipe their feet on.

You can break the cycle….you truly can….YET ANOTHER GOOD DAY….:)

PS..I would like to thank those that are following my blog and the likes I have received, not  alot as compared with others but I never started this for recognition, just catharsis. I have read your blogs and would love to follow and read all of yours but it’s impossible. There are so many damn good blogs out there! There are some truly wonderful, helpful and inspirational ones and some damn good writers too. Just know that I send best wishes and love and light x

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