My curtain is open this morning, the sun is shining even though it is cold, around 4 degrees celsius at present (9am) which is reasonably cold for Perth as our winters are nowhere near the winters of many other places.
I woke and for the first time in a few days I felt no pain, less fog and I managed to stop my brain from ruminating as much as it has been. I thought of Joe (it has always been one of the first in the chaos of my mind) and then I said to myself “I notice that I am having thoughts about Joe and that’s OK” and then he slipped back out again, no tug at the heart this time…nothing. My psych told me when I have any of these obtrusive thoughts to do that; notice and acknowledge in my mind that they are just thoughts. It brings you to the present, it makes the mind aware that they really are just thoughts and thoughts can not hurt you unless you allow them to. You need to keep it up thought defusion, it takes time and effort if your a bit of a case!!
It sounds very basic in premise but when you have difficulty with thought processes of the mind you must bring things back to basics. Part of the re-wiring process, and it is a process.
This is what is taking time. I do recognise it on clearer days like today. Yesterday and days before were dark and now today there is some light. Oh please let that be from now on…
What happened to get to here today? Work. Homework and self healing. Giving myself some patience and understanding instead of frustration and self loathing. And maybe something else but I don’t know what…
My psych homework was to do an inventory. Part of a 12 step process that is usually reserved for alcoholics and drug addicts in their recovery programs but the inventory (4th step) is also used by psychs for other types of mental processing that involve resentment and fear which can totally debilitate you. After half a day of mental hell yesterday I picked up the paperwork and forced myself to work through it…I had been avoiding it for some inexplicable reason.
My resentment list was long and no prizes for guessing who were the first few at the top! It gets you to list as many things as you can muster your mind to recall and when you are in fog and misery it is tough to do (it can even include employers, colleagues, teachers, organisations you have dealt with, it is very comprehensive and at times you feel like…is this for real? But they ask you to just include everything no matter how big or small).
But I am so glad I did it. It did not feel good at the time..the process took a fair while, there are many components and you have to be at a place where you are completely honest with yourself about your part in it all as well….that is more difficult than listing the people you resent and what they did to you. But I am going to do this. I am going to clear this shit out if it kills me, I can not live my life this way anymore. I will not. As the Dalai Lama says ‘everyone deserves happiness’..even if happiness is also a questionable concept in itself!
Days like today I feel not only that I want to help myself, I also feel sorry for people like Joe and my father and mother and others that are part of the Narc spectrum. You can’t help but wonder about how they got there. That they live in a world of their own making now but what caused them to become as they are. To be able to cause so much damage without feeling empathy or care. Or do they have their own personal hell? You don’t want to tar everyone with the brush of Narcissism and it is on a spectrum as are many mental illnesses including depression and then there are other associated forms of devastation and abuse.
Even though it has had its effect on me I find that I am completely fascinated by how we are all very aware of things that are blatant; obvious signs like bruises and injuries from physical assault but we are nowhere near able to really recognise the plight of many who live in the realm of psychological abuse because it is so silent, unknown, insidious and extremely pervasive.
In reading about it and reading other peoples experience of it I have learned so much, the awareness does alot to help understand what it is that you are dealing with. But there is not enough awareness for many out there and it is not recognised formally as a mental illness that needs to be dealt with in a formal way. Many Narcs will never get help, it is part of the illness itself. It will not allow recognition and therefore survives unfettered, but it creates more of the same over time.
Humans tend to believe in what they see only, hence the rise of the selfie, the power and ridiculous wealth gained by people like the Kardashians and other famous nobodies who become somebodies, the invasion of the internet has done much to create an army of human robots who depend so much on the visual that they forget to to really think and properly process.
I guess this is the reason why mental illness is massively prevalent and increasing as the years go on at a very high cost in every way yet remains low in priority.
Anyway once again I am thinking of running before I walk, deal with real Roz, deal with you and then deal with the rest.
I am not writing well still, not arranging thoughts properly and grammatically..my god… but at least I am writing and it helps…another good day:)