Why the fog still?…swings and roundabouts…no wonder…

I am really struggling today and I am so damn tired of it all.  No wonder psych told me to seriously consider going back on meds even if a low dose for a short time. I have been trying to fight this BS on my own, deal, unmedicated, I did so well to get off them after 17 years but I know they would temporarily lift this merde just enough to get my mind some relief. Today I am tempted for the first time.

It seems like I take steps forward and then go backwards again. (I was really starting to do OK, until the Joe debacle, why did the universe see fit to bring him back into my life after so many years…and a man that has had such a bad effect on me, why him?…all of the circumstances including the fact that he is half a world away, I don’t understand why, it would help but I know trying to get  answers to certain things is futile yet I still…its not just about him though, I know that but it was the catalyst and what happened was real). I need to accept, I need to accept…

Yesterday, I read about other disorders of the mind aside from Narcs like how you can self sabotage, masochism etc trying to find answers and it seems the more options of crazy I see they all seem to be relevant in some way but it still doesn’t help this horrible dark hole I am in. If anything it reveals more cracks and I’m on swings and roundabouts.  It’s almost like I am doing a psych degree by default.

My mind is slightly foggy today. I keep writing, not for sympathy but to get it out and open and some days even that is tough and I really don’t care right now what people think, truly, as I said the psych encourages it and I know there are days I am so grateful for this outlet. It is quite unorthodox to do it this way, or it was, for people to be open about depression and such but I think the more you can get the reality of it out there maybe people will understand. Not for me, but I know there are always people worse off.

I hit another bad point this morning when I spoke with my younger son, he is such a gorgeous young man, beautiful heart and soul and he loves his mum..he shows it regularly but when he is so wonderful I become so wracked again with an incredible guilt it is such a ridiculous cycle..you want them to be happy and have faith in you and then when they realise you are struggling they give you this unconditional love and then you feel you have let them down badly. IT IS AN AWFUL FEELING. And I am so glad that I never let them see me struggling until recently. It would have wrecked them as kids.

If I held it together then why can’t I now? Maybe that was an illusion, maybe I was not as together as I thought.

My younger son said how much his older brother misses me (I haven’t seen him since I before I left for the U.S. and there are ridiculously difficult reasons for that too) and it made me breakdown again, as I write this I am crying. I know I will get above this I have to. But I am confused in the true sense of the word. Today. I have to try limit this. I have to will myself out of thinking this way, give it its time and then put good thinking habits in practice…perhaps you really do need to completely deconstruct to reconstruct…

Can’t keep writing right now, not publicly. Maybe in my journal later with pen and paper…but I need to deal..to smile..somehow…

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