“Fed up with my destiny, and this place of no return, think I’l take another day, and slowly watch it burn, doesn’t really matter how the time goes bye, cause I still remember you and I, and that beautiful goodbye” (Lyrics, Beautiful Goodbye, Amanda Marshall).
Not so good day today. The clouds are in. Thoughts are a bit random and disjointed so forgive my writing today . I’ve been trying my new Jedi mind tricks but they are just not working today. I started to think about him again this morning, the thought diffusion technique I have been practicing simply held no relief. I guess what is entrenched is entrenched and its an everyday struggle to overcome. I guess there will be days like this. But it feels like it’s taking so long. I’m tired…so tired.
My mind has been playing ‘Beautiful Goodbye’ on loop for a while this morning. Every time I try to deflect it comes back. So I’m not trying now. I decided to write to get it out if possible.
You see there was no beautiful goodbye. Every now and then when I think about it it still hurts. He still has the power, but not as much as before. At what point will it be NONE? I guess I am still working through things. On all levels but this thing with him still affects me because I really loved him. Or who I thought he was.
In the general scheme of things isn’t just over 2 months pretty good to be starting to heal? Doesn’t it usually take a lot longer for a broken heart to start mending? Not to mention the psychological minefield that is my mind thrown into the mix. I even find myself questioning the Narc theory on days like this, I reassign the blame back on me. Some of it should be, only a small amount. Assigning blame helps nothing though.
His comprehensive shutdown did not allow me any peace of mind. After everything it really was a final shot of cruelty. So how could I possibly love someone so mean? He really did not feel a thing it seems. I mean nothing. Classic ‘discard’ as those that know will tell you. I was no longer a reliable source of ‘supply’ and I had questioned, challenged and ultimately fired back (when I walked out). I am dead to him.
The more I read about Narcs and their effect the more I realise what I really didn’t know about him. He was married for 16 years apparently, he said it was a good marriage (but that is all he told me about it aside from some monetary issue but he managed to sidetrack me from ever really getting any information about that marriage or much else. At the same time he said his experiences were good he made a point of assuming that my experience with marriage was not. He was kind of right (I am divorced and my marriage..well, he was another narc but a different shade and less pervasive than Joe), but I now realise just how honed in he was in the beginning. He got what he wanted out of me and managed to keep his world a secret (being long distance made it easier). I asked but he always managed to turn things around. When I think of the precision, its staggering…and then again I assume the blame) but she couldn’t have children.
I question the Narc theory; if he managed to stay married for 16 years surely he can’t be a narc? Don’t they become transparent over time and blow their cover? I recently read 3 or 4 blogs and other websites including Psychology pages on survivors of Narc relationships, one was the son of a Narcissistic father (come to think of it it took years before his mother had the courage or the realisation and left with the kids so it is possible for them to be in long term relationships) and he now writes books and has a website dedicated to helping others who have been unlucky enough to have been exposed to these insidious creatures.
I remember thinking how he thought his jokes were funny, but they often seemed childish to me. He called me ‘sweetie’ alot in the beginning. And I wondered why we did not go out for dinner at least once and in fact one day when his daughter was back on one of her days with him she said “didn’t you go out for dinner?” he didn’t want to go out, he didn’t want to ‘chit chat’ or discuss it was strange at the time but it was after our ‘first night’ debacle which was when he shut down. I realise that must have been a hit to the ego.
This passage from a psych webpage (how-psychology-tests-brain-injury.com/narcissistic-personality.html):
Other examples? Well, actually narcissists can laugh the most at their own jokes, think they are the most funny people around, have their own language and expressions for others, often showing disrespect and belittling others (‘hey sweetie’). They are highly selective in when they are friendly and to whom.
They are people who are very charming, always nice in public, apparent friendliness in person, but who are completely different at home or with friends: demanding and irritated. A narcissist will always belittle others whom he thinks are less, he will always use them for his own needs. In this way, he keeps thinking that he is more than those others. Of course, this is completely unrealistic (why being more than another when you can do something better by accident?), and completely anti-social, without any compassion or empathy for others.
Then his daughter’s mother, whom he never married. That is a complete mystery except I know she is a teacher. All he told me was that he and she were a complete mismatch and that it was never going to happen with them…he shook his head and said ‘her and I? my god, no, we’re completely different people’…I believe him! He is from another planet! I keep wondering if she made the great escape because she was smart or did he crush her too? I guess it’s different for them as they have their daughter, so she is obliged to have some kind of relationship for her sake.
The disregard and total inability to see fault in their behaviour; that baffled me initially and now I have read up on the subject I realise that it is also classic; I remember when they picked me up from the airport and the drive home…he was speeding, no seat-belts, ducking and weaving in traffic on the freeway and he yelled over to her in the backseat ‘daughter, come here, come and sit here’ he wanted her to sit on the armrest between our two front seats whilst he was driving crazy and unseatbelted, when I questioned it he thought it was one big joke and dismissed it completely. Luckily she said “no daddy” a number of times. Other driving times with them were just as much of a worry, he didn’t seem to care that he could cause an accident. I’ve read that they control so much of their persona and actions that there has to be an outlet somewhere in behaviour
They say Narcs build up a number of ‘supporters’ around themselves, they would cease to exist otherwise. They do such a good job that many people will look at you when you say what went on, after the tornado hit; “No, that can’t be right, he or she is such an damn nice person” “look, he’s a good father so dedicated to his kids, a very good provider” “he was always very kind to me” and then you feel like you are the crazy one and question yourself. (Believe me I know my faults and nutiness! I own it!).
I need to continue this, writing it out helps…my psych encourages it…but I need to take a break and then come back….