Slept in this morning. Could not wake myself properly but that is understandable after having a few Red wines last night with music blaring and dancing around the room like I was doing a rain dance and singing at the top of my lungs (I did used to be the lead singer in a band locally years ago, so have always loved my music)! This time only upbeat positive stuff not sad winey love songs….maybe one or two but I said to myself ‘No, Joe will not hijack your entire Ipod of music, 4,000 odd songs, you had alot of stuff that you loved before he came back into your life and it became about him over time. Every song reminded me somehow. Re-claim your music, it is not about him anymore..’ Even the songs that he had sent 30 plus years ago on a tape he made for me which I later eventually downloaded from Itunes over the years because I loved them.
It worked and I managed to enjoy without feeling miserable last night, but I guess the red’s helped.
It has become a thing on a Friday night. I did have an invitation from a friend to meet a group of them in the city for after work drinks (I’m off work at the moment on leave without pay because of my depression, existential midlife crisis thingy) but I chose not to. For a number of reasons. Friday is Psych day and it is quite draining and I need to think about what happened in the session, process it. And by the time I get home (because at the moment I live quite way away from the city, north far up the coast) all I want to do is just take my mind off it all, which going out would do but I can’t handle being around lots of people right now and the travelling is too much. By the time I want to go home if I have been in the city our bus services to where I am living have stopped (they stop at 8pm in this area) and it costs a hefty amount to get a cab home from the train station which is the last on on the line. That’s just Perth. Very expensive and very spread out.
I won’t say Friday evening and some glasses of wine are a habit, I have learned that you need to choose words wisely because there is a strong force called “I think therefore I am”. It is so true. It does take my mind off for a little while from its busyness.
I had a good visit with my psych yesterday. She was very proud of my self search and revelation. I have homework to do, apparently part of 12 step thing..sounds a tad like alcoholics anonymous but its not! Thankfully! It’s part of letting go of resentment and learning to truly forgive and moving out of depression. Part of cognitive based therapy and mindfulness. I did it before but I was under the veil of anti-depressant meds so I never really dealt properly with it (I will repeat myself about these things sometimes because if you have only just read this page of my blog you won’t have the full story or understand what I am going on about). I came off anti d’s after 17 years on them (I was initially put on them after my second son was born, for post natal depression) and that was a journey in itself.
Getting that damn toxic rubbish out and gaining the strength and clarity to move forward, re-wiring the mind and years of negative programming.
It’s the 4th of July here in Australia already, Independence Day in America (Happy 4th to my U.S. readers). I still find it difficult when things like that come up. Immediately I think of him and his daughter and what they may be doing for the 4th. She will be with him, I knew his co-parenting schedule off by heart. It’s like part of me is still in America, everything reminds me. We have so much U.S content here on Television, music, kids emulating the culture, and I really just loved it over there, been twice first time to many different places all over the country and had the best time. Even after I left Joe this time, I would mourn in the morning and get my crazy arse out of my hotel room and party in the afternoon and night, had to or I would’ve been a bigger nut job before I left and never made it onto the plane home. But if I really let myself go on like that..always reminded and relating everything to him, then its going to be a very long road…not doing that.
Needs to stop ASAP, pronto. And I feel it is as each day goes on. My psych said my approach of feeling, allowing the thoughts to come in, acknowledging or ‘noticing’ them and then letting it go is a very good technique for diffusing the power of thoughts. When you fight it or try to block them you are only putting it away into a temporary holding pattern and they will come back more often than not with force. It is so true. But you have to practice and do regularly and then it becomes easier.
I am going to take a walk today, or maybe go to the gym. The sun is out (well it seems to be popping in and out today) and even though its winter it’s actually not too cold at all. Fresh air will be good for me. For some reason I am craving a hotdog with all the trimmings, might get the ingredients at the shop during my walk and make them when I get back. Today is going to be a good day….