My phone went off this morning, the message bell that someone had emailed me on one of my email accounts. It was the email account that I used for Joe specifically and I remembered how excited I used to be as that sound went off and I knew he had just written to me (for those that have only just started to read my blog Joe is in America and I am in Australia so ours was a long distance romance of torture, we reconnected after 33 years and eventually I went to see him in the U.S and it was a disaster that crushed me badly, the latest in a long line of shitty things). This morning it wasn’t him, it hasn’t been him for 64 days (yes I bothered to count but that’s just me!) it is now used for my blog. WordPress kindly tell you when you have likes and comments etc.
My heart still skips a beat when I hear that sound, what the f.ck…?! Sadly another learned response. One that it seems is going to take more time than it should to change because even though I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday, after a while my mind twisted back into hurt mode which my body felt (depression and mindset) and I thought about how much I missed him (yet another WTF?!) and what I could have done better (Again WTF?!). He had profoundly made his way into my soul because my mind and heart remembered us as we were at 16 and 25 not the reality of now. For some insane reason I loved him unlike any other. The heart wants what it wants. But I now know that my thought processes are flawed and that I created more of the mess that was this love for him and it is deep even though he hurt me bad and therefore requires time and patience. Plus the other shit I have allowed to drag me down for years.
Along with my new found realisations about resentment and forgiveness. My soul work. The things I need to do for myself to get beyond the crossroads and start living the life I am meant to. With a smile on my face, with a genuine heartfelt smile. Unrealistic to expect it all the time but it needs to come organically and with real feelings of warmth and delight. The work is ahead of me because there is a lot of damage and not just from external sources, the real damage is from myself.
But I must not wallow. There is difference between allowing time to heal and wallowing. Wallowing would be fuelling the feelings of resentment I carry as my plate of armour and has been what has done the most damage and I have to keep that top of mind everyday in order to really deal and move on with truth, honesty, love, forgiveness, integrity and live the best and most AUTHENTIC life. And that is my goal.
It is Psych day today, this post will only be short because I have to leave soon. I want to know what her impression is of my realisation. I haven’t felt as emotional this morning as I have been for many days.
Initially when the message bell on my phone went off my default thought process commenced. But it has settled and my awareness has kicked in. A plan and process must be put into place so that I don’t take too many backward steps and must keep moving forward.
As previously mentioned in other blogs, music is a big part of my life, my ‘one true friend’ I call it! Right now as I type this I have Rihanna’s song “What now?” in my head. ( https://youtu.be/b-3BI9AspYc ) I think I’ll put it on as I get ready….have day filled with love and light all x