It’s one of those mornings, brain fog. Last night before I went to bed I told myself I would feel so much better this morning, particularly after the exercise yesterday.
It did help me to sleep a bit better last night I admit. But I did not wake up with a clear mind, I guess I was hoping for too much too soon…no not guess, I know. I have always been the type to try run before walking!
My first waking thought was him again. When will that stop. It’s like he has been programmed into my brain its so frustrating. But I know if I try to put him out of my thoughts it only comes back stronger, I need to acknowledge and then let go, somehow. He did such a good job of convincing me in the very beginning of our reconnect, I now realise that Narcissists are very adept at that, their modus operandi.
I read about how they go through phases like ‘over evaluation, de valuation and then discard’. And that is exactly what Joe did.
In Over evaluation phase they make you fall hard for them, they are hyper vigilant (yes, I know generally a strong woman would see it and I did but it was so good initially I chose ignore the red flags). He told me everything I wanted to hear, how good we could have it together, how lucky we were to have this second chance and we needed to do it now, how even though my friends care for me no one cared like he did..he was my rock, my safety and security I may never have had…yes he said that and at that time I was coming off anti depressant medication and he was like a gift, a beautiful romantic miracle, this was the one I had waited for all my life. And he knew that. Whether consciously or unconsciously, narcs move heaven and earth to make their target fall so badly that they feel life would be nothing without them. It becomes like a drug, another shot of something irresistible. I remember one day, in our early days he would write several times a day and night and one day I knew he was going to be busy with his daughters 11th birthday that weekend so I said to him to enjoy the weekend with his daughter and we would talk on Monday. He immediately shot back an email “I am not comfortable with not talking over the weekend, call me at 1pm your time”. I was suprised and I emailed back “Boy, you really are an Alpha male (he had said that he was and quite comfortable with that!), Ok” and he came back with “An alpha male who knows how to treat a good woman”. At the time I just thought he loved me so much he would miss us not talking over the weekend, boy was I wrong, I know that now. He ended up writing in the middle of it all saying how he missed his hostess being there, the party was naked without me and that he dreamed of us doing it together (the party), he dreamed of us doing everything together.
If you could read our emails and hear what was said in phone conversations you would understand how I fell. They can even predict a time frame for this phase of the cycle and I can tell you they are not wrong. Joe told me in the first two weeks of our reconnect in a phone conversation one day, about an hour into it he stopped me and said “can I tell you something?” and I said “yes of course” he said slowly and very deliberately “I love you”. I was shocked that it came so soon but I told him’ I love you too’ even though at the time I was stunned and even then felt a bit weird at how quickly it happened. I just put it down to the fact that he really cared years ago, he did keep writing long after I had gone on with life….I was young, 16 (he 25)…I had other things to get on with!
You may say that I was an easy target based on my situation, and I was, but I have read and been told that even the smartest of woman fall for the charms of practiced Narcs very easily. The reason that there is so much out there about the subject is because Narcissicm is rife. And there are many wrecks out there left in the wake of Narc relationships. I did not realise the prevalence of it.
Then in the De valuation phase when they know you are theirs Hook line and sinker and it is no longer the challenge they require or you start to question things they are not comfortable with they shut down, they become indifferent and silent. They disappear for periods of time. This is exactly what Joe did. He excused it as being busy with work, and no doubt knowing what I do now he was most of the time (Narc’s are often top of their game in their career’s especially the cerebral narcs and Joe is a very intelligent man…work wise. They are very high performers often and work like a madperson because the adulation and reward feeds them and their ego, they feed off admiration) but when you see how regularly and diligently he communicated in the over valuation phase you say, hang on, what the heck? They leave you baffled and confused and wondering what you did wrong? They don’t like to completely lose what is called “supply” so they play the “Love you, Love you not game” to keep you hanging in there. And hooked you cling on to any bit of crumb they offer, it’s sad and sickening but this is very real.
Then comes the discard phase. You are no longer required so with precision they cut you off immediately and completely. At this stage you have either wisened up to the psychological bullshit game that you have been a willing participant in and have started to do things to save yourself, you comment about it, and they (Narc’s) won’t tolerate that. If you are still in the middle of it what happens is they often will become defensive, turn everything around on you and if you are not prepared you will be so stunned you will accept what comes because you are too damned shocked to do anything. That is what happened to me over the days I was with him in America. I was there in front of him, the jig was up. I saw for my own eyes what he really was and the person I knew I was came out. Initially I was so stunned I could not respond to his digs. I sat in silence, and those that know me know I rarely stay silent when people have a go at me. I started to call him on things, subtly at first and then one day I just said “why the hell did you ask me to come here if this is what you do” and he then exploded…into a rage that was scary. He said “I don’t need this shit, I seen about all I need to”, even now sometimes I find myself questioning what I did prior to that moment that he would say that, except that I guess my reaction to certain things; my stunned silences and acceptance of his meanness and cold he realised there was no going back.
Particularly with me because what I did the day I walked out, still with 3 days left before I was due to fly back to Australia, was to actually play his game, the shutdown. And you do not do that to him. I had come back from a walk, I was at a stage where I had to get out of what was a bad and soul crushing situation so I started to take walks, told him I needed to keep up my exercise regime. It had seemed he wanted me there in the house but he would ignore me or hardly talk to me. He was in the kitchen on his headset when I got back from my walk and it was hot outside and I needed some water so I went to the kitchen where he was standing to get a glass of water and he promptly signed “dont you dare go near that tap whilst I am talking on the phone”, it was so angry in look and vigorous in silent sign acting/language, arms flailing about I was stunned. He had a headset on he could have moved out of range quite easily plus the trickle from a filtered water tap? I remember looking at him in complete disbelief.
Then I walked back to my room, got my water from the bathroom tap, and sat on my bed shaking. It had hit me that everything I had seen and heard in my days with him was so ridiculous, control based behaviour and I had to get out of there. My gut kept saying ‘run girl, run’. So I booked a hotel and rang a cab which unfortunately took almost an hour to come. By the time I had showered and packed and went to his home office (where he could have moved to when I went to get my water) near his bedroom and I said “thank you for having me”..he turned to me feigning suprise “what? where are you going?” …”I am going to a hotel, I think it is best”…”Don’t be ridiculous, what for?” I knew he was wanting me to get into it with him but I didn’t want to. And so I walked to the door and had to stand there waiting for the cab. He followed me out, hands in pocket asking why was I doing this, what had I expected? Was I expecting him to make an immediate decision about us? etc etc. At that time, I almost caved because for just a moment he actually seemed as if he may have really cared. But I did not react, I was polite and kept it fairly quiet. The cab came, we hugged, for a fair while funnily enough. And as the cab pulled away I fell to pieces, the tears flowed. I felt crushed and relieved at the same time. But ultimately I knew I had to. And I knew he would not talk to me for a long time if ever again. And I was right.
Now, I am trying to fix the damage not just from him but years of it. But he was the last straw…..