Trying to recalibrate…….Days like this…

“When it’s not always raining there’ll be days like this
When there’s no one complaining there’ll be days like this
When everything falls into place like the flick of a switch
Well my mama told me there’ll be days like this

When you don’t need to worry there’ll be days like this
When no one’s in a hurry there’ll be days like this
When you don’t get betrayed by that old Judas kiss
Oh my mama told me there’ll be days like this

When you don’t need an answer there’ll be days like this
When you don’t meet a chancer there’ll be days like this
When all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit
Then I must remember there’ll be days like this

When everyone is up front and they’re not playing tricks
When you don’t have no freeloaders out to get their kicks
When it’s nobody’s business the way that you wanna live
I just have to remember there’ll be days like this

When no one steps on my dreams there’ll be days like this
When people understand what I mean there’ll be days like this
When you ring out the changes of how everything is
Well my mama told me there’ll be days like this”

Lyrics above by Van Morrison the song “Days like this”

The expression that usually means; even though its been a shit day the good one is just around the corner. Scott Thomas says in his review of the lyrics “The singer, steeling himself against disappointments and letdowns, does not want to feel too good on the good days: ‘When all the parts of the puzzle start to seem like they fit / Then I must remember there’ll be days like this.'”

I know what he means…Van that is. I have had so many much better days. Like the day the last time I wrote in my blog. I felt that old familiar feeling of steely resolve coming through and I wanted to march forward with it. And then I remember the let downs and disappointments, sadness and pain. (I know I am much better off than alot of people, I have food and shelter and warmth etc…I know believe me).

I purposely avoided all forms of Media over the weekend again. And alcohol. I took a vacation from human contact again (even though I am still pretty much isolating because of my depression and other reasons), aside from calling and talking to my beautiful sons (that, always makes me feel wonderful, hearing their voices…not as much as putting my arms around them but still).

I am trying to make permanent the things I am learning about myself and my way of thinking. I continue to practice what I have learned and been told by my psych. Trying to find the positive way forward, formulate a plan. At times now I just want to run back into life all guns blazing and then I remember that life as it was up until the point where he and I parted ways and I sunk into the mire of a bad depression is a life I no longer want to be a part of. And I freeze.

That was representative of a life of chaos, pain, loneliness and heartache (not just recent re him but over many years). Of bad decisions and loss. Of not being truthful with myself and living life inauthentically.

The only truth was my love for and my life with my boys, is. Everything else…is a past that I no longer for a vast majority of it want to be associated with although there were definitely good experiences and some good memories in there I am finding it hard to separate it into the keep and throw out piles because it is taking far too long.

There are days, much more now when I feel like I am finally ready to re engage. And then still a day like today will come when I feel like I simply do not have the energy or the capacity and I know what the outcome will be and I fear going back into that same pre all this time and that nothing has or will change.

How did I get here? Why hasn’t it gone away….I see brilliance on the horizon and something keeps dragging me back from the light.

I refuse to take medication. It is a bandaid solution. I have been there too.  Am I supposed to watch the days keep passing by until this magical switch is turned on and I can finally appreciate the marvelous opportunities I have? You could slap me right now, I wouldn’t feel it.

I still, nearly every day think of him (many will never understand this….but most days now only temporarily and almost completely without pain) and on days like today I wonder how a supposedly smart woman can fall so deeply, trust so openly and prize so highly a man who does not have the capacity to feel real love or empathy. Again today because of how I am feeling I have been reading about the barrage of other people…predominantly women but men too who have been ensnared into a relationship with either a sociopath or narcissist and how messed up you become and how long it takes to pull yourself out of horrible place you find yourself in and I fight hard to pull what ounce of sanity I have to remind myself…I am not the only one and I am not alone in this experience and so many have been so much worse off…so much worse off. But I also know how I feel is not just about him, but it was a brutal blow to a fragile, flawed mind.

I am told “the Narcissist has no use whatsoever for that which he can not control” hence the discard and devaluation without a second glance. And I know that the longer it becomes the more apparent it is that he was a narc. No care no empathy. No one with normal feelings and care could have allowed things to end as he did, under our circumstances, a normal person, capable of real connection with human beings would eventually feel some form of guilt or concern that even though they may no longer want to be with this person they would find a way to communicate it so that both parties are able to heal. Would feel some value in the friendship that was. Even though I know this my mind is still betraying me at times remembering and even making up good things and it is that that I am struggling with. How can I go out into the real world like some kind of vulnerable freak. I need to be able to trust myself. There is a strong, smart woman inside there, she is starting to show herself but she needs to be present most of the time not fleetingly and not under the cover of four walls where there is no reality of life.

I am working on trusting myself, it is taking time. And many days now I am starting to and it is gaining momentum…it needs to be constant and consistent. Writing this is helping. I feel the internal struggle and then as I write it starts to dissipate…the power of the fear…I am trying to recalibrate and there will be days like this….

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I refuse to go quietly….stuff convention…

It’s taken a day and more searching, because this stuff about him and desperately trying to get myself out of a bas..rd of a depression without medication and dealing with past shit is becoming incredibly boring…I can’t take much more of it. It’s bullshit. Arrrggghhh….in high octave!

I’m starting to get that part of my ‘issues’ are hormonal as well as a healthy dose of midlife transition. I call it transition because midlife crisis assumes you are a chaotic mess and I just won’t own up to that…..not without kicking and screaming …..oxymoronic but…I simply must do it my way.

I’m also coming to realise that this soul searching I was forced into by the calamity of my short lived reunite with Tornado Joe after 30 odd years is in fact an existential transition, ok midlife whatsitthingy and if anyone was ever going to have one in spectacular technicolour it’d be me!

I’m realising I have to embrace it not fight it. I have to embrace all of it. Even the him thing. And not look at it with fear and hopelenssness and all the thought patterning of the past whereby my mind allowed me to go into victim mode, to ruminate and replay reasons why I should see it that way….if I allow that then all this pain and debilitation will have been for nothing. And I will never move forward.

This ‘thing’ has been systematically stripping me of everything I have ever known…or at least the way I view things. The only thing I know for certain right now is that I have changed irrevocably and it is a good thing.

I have no way of knowing if I will ever suffer depression again, it seems very possible I will if I don’t find a way to avoid triggers and find a strength of mind that allows me to lessen the effect.

I have no guarantees that if the insidious disease that my son has does take him somewhere in the near future my ability to stay strong for my other son will be reliable, but I must try, they are both everything to me.

I have no idea what I want to do in the future as a career (I admit up til recently I saw my future with him, helping him with his daughter and sharing our experiences as we grow old together, straddling our two countries, making a wonderful life together, the one we should have had 30 years ago…boy was I wrong:(…that doesn’t matter now…it can’t), I have already lived several career incarnations, none ever really hitting the mark therefore now I am searching for that passion..that thing that will take me into my twilight days satisfied that I have done things well and for the right reasons (quite frankly part of me would be happy living subsistence on a farm in upperkimbuktawest), I don’t need to rule the world but I want to do things I enjoy, not what I am forced to from necessity…I am starting to know what I do enjoy but trying to turn that into a career is a challenge…but it needs to be done because life is too short to be stuck in a soul-less box 12 hours a day saying yes sir no sir to some twat with a ego who actually knows absolutely nothing and is proud of it.

This is a time to take risks and there are no guarantees. Nothing in life comes with a guarantee.

All I know is that I can’t just lay down and die. I can’t allow myself to fall back into the old habits just because it is comfortable and familiar…too many do that and never realise their secret hopes and desires.

The only shame in all this would be if I do nothing, follow convention and whimper for the rest of my life.

Was supposed to be psych day today but she couldn’t so I guess it is up to me to life my sorry arse out of this shitty cycle and go out into the fresh air. I’ve been isolating for too long, I realised yesterday I was starting to fear going out into the real world, that whilst I was holed up in my psycho prison I was safe and warm and no one could hurt me here. But I have been hurting myself by doing this.

It’s not easy..Last night I saw the tale end of a program about people being treated for depression by a new form of Electroconvulsive therapy and I remember the same Psychiatrist I walked out on , when he tried to get me to change and up my dosage of antidepresssant plus add lithium after I told him I wanted to try coming off antidepresssants after 17 years, wanted me to consider that also.

Bugger that! I know I have suffered depression, I know that my brain is not wired like others, but I also know that I have very good reasons why I have suffered mentally over my lifetime and it is not all about how my brain is wired or chemical imbalance it is much more environmentally based. I feel it in my gut, instinctively. I have spent far too many years not following my instinct and recently I learned that I am quite intuitive and should.

There was an excellent blog I read yesterday called “Personal Tao” their tagline is ‘Always dream even when awake’, and their page on midlife crisis and transformation really resonated with me.

Not everyone has a midlife ‘thingy’ (!!), but I am grateful for mine, slightly bewildered still, but grateful….

Where’s my psych when I need her?

I’m not sure what happened but the last day or so I have gone slightly backwards again. Actually, I do know, I took a chance to do something I enjoy and have 5 seconds of peace from my mind by having some wine and listening to music and ended up drinking far too much of the bottle, bringing up thoughts of someone who was just starting to leave my troubled mind and I’ve effectively taken the steps back.

I remember as I did it thinking I won’t feel that way because I have made incredible inroads out of my black hole, dealing with things and felt quite confident that I could partake without going down that road. He had began to not matter as much. Nearly 3 months its been.

I was wrong. I know I mustn’t beat myself up and I have spent far too much time back trying to analyse why I would want to make contact with him again. There is sometimes still, this overwhelming feeling that there needs to be a ‘do over’, that somehow it was all a bad dream and the good stuff is coming! What if he really isn’t a Narc and just completely misunderstood, it’s all some terrible mistake.

Why can’t I recognise that there is a difference between what my fantasy or what I thought he was and we could be and what the reality is.

I remember when I was with him nothing was even remotely as I expected. Even his kiss. He could not kiss (that in itself was strange because I thought I had remembered when I was 16 he was the most amazing kisser, but I was 16). His tongue seemed liked a lizards poking in and out with such frantic-ness (no technique) I remember pulling my head back for a second my mind saying “wait a minute. I wasn’t expecting that”. It was a bit like Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) in the episode where she has what she called “Jack Rabbit sex”, where the guy humorously bangs away like he’s jack hammering the sidewalk, her head pummeling against the bedhead and the next day she can’t walk properly and her neck is practically paralyzed. And then he has the audacity to say to her when she tries to nicely say lets just leave it at that; “If I knew you were going to use me for sex I wouldn’t have ‘made love’ to you like I did”. It’s hilarious.

And now when I think about it, there were so many other things that just made no sense whatsoever. Although there were certain things I expected and was right about too. Sadly. Why the analytics still? Why can’t I just let it go? It almost feels as if there is some kind of strange ‘something’ that sits in my heart that belongs only to him. That there will never be another for me even though I know he and I aren’t meant to be in this life. It’s madness, utter madness.

Maybe that is it. Even though I have gone through much, that I needed to deal with from a psychological perspective…stuff that can stay with you you’re entire life if you let it (stuff outside of this him and I situation), my mind is still trying to sort the wheat from the chaff, compartmentalise then deal. I am so much better but there is still some way to go.

I need my psych right now, she has a way of facilitating reality in my thoughts. Some days I just can’t do it on my own, still.

I wish he would just explain to me why he said one thing and did the other. Or that we could have parted in a nicer way. I keep thinking friendship in tact, but he was never really truly my friend even.

I keep thinking that he is himself psychologically damaged and that no one will realise it nor he and that he will never get the help he needs. I want to help him, I hate the thought that he will end up on his own, no support. Crazy I know, I can’t fix what doesn’t want to be fixed. It is not up to me and why should I want to. And maybe I’m just wrong about it all?

So many people look at you when you are mentally unwell and say you look alright, you look fine. But that’s just it. The illness is on the inside it doesn’t always blatantly show on the outer. Some of the most ill have adapted so well that you will never see what is really going on unless you have either been unwell yourself and know the signs or there is a very well trained and capable eye looking at you.

I’m sick of seeing these numbered lists telling you “so many ways to be the perfect person”, follow these ’10 ways to’ and your life will miraculously be magical. This morning, a well known website posted “10 ways to know your are uber smart” written by a a young girl who may possibly be quite smart but by virtue of the fact that she is barely in her 20’s with little life experience how could she possibly know these 10 ways for sure?

The internet has become a quagmire of self help gurus, they are a dime a dozen, everyone’s an expert. This is why I only write about my own experience and try not to tell people what they should or shouldn’t be doing. I am showing that I am an extremely flawed individual still finding my way along the path of life.

I’m nearly 50 and I know that I am only scratching the surface of what it is possible to know. It seems the more I learn the more bloody questions I have! …….straitjacket again pleasssse….

Reporting live from dumb-ass central…..

Yes, you’ve read correctly. Reporting live from dumb- arse central!

I am a dumb-arse! I am slightly smiling as I say it but a dumb-arse nevertheless. After a slightly worse day than others recently (it happens still but not as much or as bad now), I decided in all my wisdom to relax with a glass of Red and some music which is what I tend to do less frequently now because ultimately I know what the outcome will be and after so many months of struggle, learning lessons I don’t want to take the proverbial two steps back. I’ve done so well really?!

Nope. After a few glasses (it was, a nice Spanish Rioja) and not thinking about changing the Ipod from shuffle to the ‘No BS’ mix I specifically made for myself to steer myself away from songs that reminded me of ‘him’…inevitably the ‘him’ songs made their way through the speakers and I reminisced! Torturously, it was as a sneaky pleasure (!) I thought. It’s ok to think of the good things (what little there was) once in a while and fantasise about how things could have been (no chance they ever would have, but I have a vivid imagination particularly after mind-altering substances like alcohol…removes the boundaries..again I committed the ultimate act of self betrayal by emailing him.

Sad, so very sad, but true. He has to this very day stuck to his ‘no contact’ rule, so why couldn’t I? I’m only hurting myself. If he really is a Narc as I am almost certain he is and so is my Pysch then I have been succinctly relegated to the discard pile no longer part of the ‘supply’ chain. My ‘use by’ date long expired.

And by contacting him again I have shown myself to be even more damaged, neurotic and clingy than he told me I was “you need to work on yourself, let go of your dependencies, the past etc etc. I’m here, just don’t take another 30 years”.

I think the most painful part is that he was right. In the love bomb phase where I was bombarded with beautiful lines of care and pseudo love he managed to extract all that he needed to make these summary statements. His ability was astounding, or maybe not so he was playing with a very willing opponent. He told me everything I wanted to hear, and then eventually started the game of with-hold of contact and affection because he knew me so well. He would then come back for periods of a time and do it again “I can’t wait for our first night together. I will make love to you all night. I can’t wait to see you lying underneath me’.

I came to need him like I needed air. I trusted him wholeheartedly and I don’t trust easily.

Even now I can see that my actions only confirm his diagnosis. I can clearly see what I am doing wrong and yet I trip every now and then….no self control. All this therapy and back to almost square one? NOOOOO

NO WAY. Mindset.  And ‘CUE’ text from a concerned friend;

“Alcohol tends to be a catalyst for doing things you shouldn’t, r regressing of some kind.Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’re only human.  And its bound to happen now and then. But maybe getting boozy solo isn’t the best idea” (us Aussies are always to the point, and reasonably laid back! Part of our charm!)

My response “Ya reckon??!!!!” “No more solo endeavours” 😦  thanks my friend.

Now, to build that bridge and get over it!

LOVE AND WHITE LIGHT….the flawed one!

Time out….metamorphosis…from pain to joy..

It’s been quite freeing the last few days walking away from social media and even this blog. Friday I was going to throw caution to the wind and have a different type of time out..with wine and music. I didn’t. And I don’t regret it.

I am starting to see things in a different light, and I like what I see. It is no longer coloured by negativity but a perspective that in every thing which appears to be incredibly painful there is also a blessing. I am finally grateful for my pain because of the incredible joy I have found in the lessons learned. Seriously.

I spent time this weekend doing things I enjoy…true time out. Often laughter, often at myself. At times processing and making sense of things and realising that some things aren’t meant to make sense. It just is.

This will be the possibly the last time I will mention ‘him’ because he no longer matters. There is a much better life beyond him. But part of my necessary processing and final let go was about him.

For example, when I think of ‘him’ now I only feel pity. Pity can be seen as a word to recoil from or patronising but it means to see something through the eyes of compassion amongst other meanings.

He will never know the kind of unconditional love he may have had from someone who cared so deeply, he doesn’t trust it and does not know how to accept it.  Eventually he will know that people will realise how unwell and broken he is inside, including his daughter as she becomes a woman in her own right. She will question his inability to keep a normal relationship for any length of time and his actions. Why is there a trail of brokenness? I sincerely hope that she will come out of her attachment to him whole. I think of her often and feel sad for her.  People who seek to control and hurt others with their actions will always be exposed in the end. He is trapped in perpetual motion that must in itself be incredibly tiring and debilitating to his health as much as at present it is thrilling in what he sees as his’wins’. These wins will eventually become hollow reality. Hollow. You can not hide from your demons they will eventually rise to face you.

His behaviour is part of an illness and it is one that will never subside unless he comes to a place of awareness and want to change. Sadly the track record is fairly damning for narcissists. You may want to be there and help and love them but in a majority of cases there is no way for a narc to accept that help and love because they do not believe they need help. They are unable to see it, or admit to it if they do. Their solid exterior is that only, exterior, inside they are a chaotic mess. What a horrible way to live your life. Always seeking the thrill of your next conquest, your egotistical supply and it never really being enough.

They always find supply because unfortunately there are other ‘brokens’ out there who are easily manipulated by the charm and simply just want and need what is on offer initially. It is very hard to resist. But with a narc, it can’t be offered for a long period of time, the thrill dies off easily, its simply never enough.

It has taken me a while to accept this for what it is. And I feel sadness for him, and for a long time I wanted to help him because I remembered who I thought was a divine promising young man that I fell in love with many years ago, in a very short space of time. I saw something in him, felt it, even though I was very young…now I know what I saw may have existed then but does not now. When I walked out he knew he would never have control of me again so I had lost my appeal…he cut me off. I no longer exist, I am of no use. Narcissists are incapable of empathy. What a gift he gave me in letting me out of his circle of pain. I am grateful.

And it is not what I want for my life and deep inside I knew it at the time I walked out but it has taken all this time to really understand that I was following my instinct, my intuition and that I should always trust myself. Lesson learned, the hard way but learnt nevertheless!:)

The other stuff, things that have weighed me down for so long no longer hold the same type of power or significance. They are significant but now I know it is because it has taught me what I needed to know.

Over this sad time of depression and grief it feels as though I have gone through a metamorphisis; completely emptied myself of despair, felt pain so unbearable, fear of what might happen to me if I let go of these things that bind me and complete confusion. I’ve felt completely alone and yet I coveted the isolation. I needed it to get through this. Part of the change has been to discard what I kept because for a long time I thought without it I could not survive, whether consciously or not it is what I felt I needed…including friendships. I was completely fearful of being alone and therefore kept a hold on ties that never really helped me at all and if anything were toxic.

Admitting to yourself that you have perpetuated this circle of pain of your own volition is extremely tough (admitting your part in it all). But it is necessary in the healing process. You can’t without it.

I have forgiven those that have hurt me or have not been a positive part of my life and even thought they will no longer play a part in it I am grateful that they did in the past. I forgive myself, it is impossible to go through life making decisions that are always right, it’s not human.

I watched an incredibly inspiring movie last night called ‘Belle’. Based in the late 1700’s and on a true story it is about an illegitimate, mixed-race daughter of a British admiral who plays an important role in the campaign to abolish slavery in England. It was amazing. It highlighted to me that you do not have to accept the will of others, who impose their own biases and prejudices and expectations. That if you remain true to you and combine it with action what an extraordinary difference you can make not only in your own life but in that of others…in good intention. With love, honesty, compassion and forgiveness.

Thought for the day….sometimes you have to laugh…

It’s a short post today. I may post later although that may be a bad idea because I have set Friday as my throw caution to the wind and just enjoy it day now. There is wine and music involved.

I have my psych appointment this morning, I have a number of sessions left before I re-commit to the real world. This has been my ‘deal with’ time, my ‘get better’ time and my ‘ask the surgeon for the missing part of your brain back that he took when you had the partial lobotomy of loving the wrong person’ time!

Should I joke? Depression, existential crisis and other stuff is not funny it’s serious, but I have had many weeks on the incredibly serious wagon and I’m getting real tired of that shit. And they say that laughter is the best medicine.

I know there is a process and time and patience is involved but I have expended an awful lot of time and energy being down in the dark hole, I deserve better…I’ve been working on better.

Realistically, the only person who can really pull you out that hole is you (and for some that is almost impossible, I acknowledge that, but not impossible). But I want out of it for good and whatever it takes I will do.

I’ve been reading some real funny stuff lately (one of my new approaches in distraction and healing…time with comedy, laughter) including a book by Greg and Amiira Behrendt called “It’s called a break up because it’s broken: the smart girls breakup buddy”.   I highly recommend this book co-authored by his wife. (Greg wrote ‘He’s just not that into you’ years ago.)

I love this pearl of wisdom she wrote in her intro apparently by her granny;

“Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit”….think about it!

Things that remind you…changing old habits…happiness?

Changing or re-wiring your thoughts takes time and takes incremental steps. I have been taking these steps.

Every morning now, well, for a good few mornings at least I wake without that horrible dread, that ‘what now’ feeling, that pull towards the dark.  And even though and yes it seems ridiculous to me but it just is, I still have him pop into my head I seem more able to allow it and then it goes pretty quickly (it is very difficult to let go of the deep love you felt for someone even if it was bad for you). It coinciding with other issues that need dealing with slows things a tad. I am starting to feel more hopeful. Less blue. More sure that even though I don’t quite know what the future holds I know there will be one. (Unless I get hit by a bus or something…shouldn’t joke about that because I did get hit by a car many years ago but that’s in the past!  See, I don’t tend to do things by halves!!:)). And then there are times when I say to myself, oh, just get on with it will you?

I was going through my emails this morning and on one of my accounts I noticed two Macy’s emails. Yes that huge department store chain from America. I signed up for emails apparently when I was over there and I bought 3 pairs of shoes in one go (no, I am not a typical female shoe nut I just happened to be at the store killing time…he (now nameless) had no time for me and I had already done some of the housework, been for my walk…he didn’t want me to go out but he didn’t want me there either so I decided to keep myself occupied..and usually I hate shopping!).

We don’t have Macy’s here, I wish we did, or at least the fantastic prices and range they have….Australia and more so Perth is just so ridiculously expensive still even though the mining boom is long over.

Once again I digress. The point was even though I finally am starting to change my thoughts there are still constant reminders of him and they come from the most ridiculous things and I realise as I think that my mind had conjured up a fantastical positive memory of him but at the same time now I know most of that was fallacy. Wishful thinking. Just plain silly. But I have been told and have read that many that have been hit by the tornado of narcissism feel that way, many spend years in therapy. I am lucky my exposure was relatively short this time, but it was enough to f..ck with an already damaged mind.

Simply was not true. It is that that I still struggle with. Admitting this is hard but necessary. At times it makes me feel like I have completely lost the plot and have some weird obsession for this man (even if he was not who I thought he was..he helped construct that image), this man who clearly was a narcissist and quite clearly either doesn’t realise it  or chooses to ignore it (I often wondered why he kept saying to me he wanted a relationship where both watched each others backs no matter what, he knew how to treat the ‘right’ woman…perhaps somewhere there he knew it would take someone extraordinarily masochistic to hang in there under those circumstances, with him. At the time I was so in love and blinded I wanted to give him everything he wanted and more) …I had not even considered he may be (a narc) at the beginning until my Psychologist told me after going through things in depth about our history. It’s been 2 and a half months and I still need to get it out. And I don’t want to burden and annoy people with the same old story so I write..this was part of my reason for this blog. I am not unhappy any more, I know I am still a little stuck but it is changing, I just need to talk about it…as often I need to until I don’t. Until the things that remind me no longer do and are replaced by much happier, more real and worthwhile things…

That’s how badly my mind has been in need of fixing. Re-wiring, re-programming. I always feel so highly aware of how everyone else copes and recovers from bad events in their life and measure myself against that.

That is still there. The damage runs deep. But the healing is happening too. And as I said yesterday I can see a new world of opportunity opening up and its both scary and wonderful at the same time. Still times when I beat myself up but its less and less now and I usually can forgive myself…and say go easy old girl..C’est la vie!

I guess the alternative is scary, back to reality, but seeing it in a new light…without old prejudices and biases? After a lifetime of thinking a certain way, of viewing threw a tainted window.

Yesterday, they released a survey conducted here in Australia about what makes people happy (here in Australia, now). Some of the findings were quite hilarious particularly ‘the happiest women live in Queensland’ and don’t have a partner and the men are happier with a partner. It pretty much inferred that women are happier and healthier without a man in their life!

I wonder if there is something in that? It also said ‘don’t be poor and drink lots of wine’ I kid you not! see just one of the articles written about this study http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/the-recipe-for-health-and-happiness-in-australia-20150715-gibwxd   Ahhh Aussies! Crazy.

I guess I need to test that theory now…stay single..makes lots of money..and drink lots of my favorite wine, oh and travel to the States more often to shop at Macy’s!….there..the answers been there all the time!

Comes a time….thank you for the valuable lesson…

Isn’t it funny that when you are going through the mire and you hear all the damn cliche’s like “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” trotted out by well meaning friends and strangers you just want to either punch them or tell them to “shut the hell up!”

But, and listen up people, the fact of the matter is; IT IS SO DAMN TRUE!

There is so much evidence to prove this much used saying, you got to say…someone coined that for a reason!

When I first started writing my blog the intention was catharsism and distraction. And the theme was just let it go wherever you want it to go..you just need to write, let it out. And I have.

The tone has been so dark in places, and that is because I have been through a pretty dark time in my life, one of many as those that have followed will know. It started as a way of moving past a detrimental relationship, became about a depression I was trying to avoid but ended up having, reliving a bad childhood and past that had affected me throughout my life had a major bearing on how I lived, the decisions I made, the people I chose to see as friends but who really weren’t and had a toxic effect on my life, resentment about my sons’ illness and other hurts, and also about taking responsibility for myself and my actions.

The time has come to choose and take a new direction. To admit that everything that has happened has contained its own lesson…even more recently him, Joe, and I would like to thank him formally here because if he hadn’t come back into my life and stomped on it, I would never have commenced this process of self awareness, honesty, healing and repair and finally come to the realisation not only of the things I don’t want in my life but the epiphany that I now am starting to get about what I do want in my life.

EPIPHANY. The urban dictionary has a quite funny definition; Top Definition. epiphany. a smart-sounding word for realizing you’ve been practically retarded for quite some time.

Now before anyone jumps on the “politically correct bandwagon, waves their hands around in the air screaming “Oh that’s so wrong, to use that word, you are having a go at a people type, boycott this blog yada yada” well no, I’m not, and the urban dictionary is not, and IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE especially these days for one word (IE retarded) to have several references…so there!

I digress.

Time and psych visits, self exploration and will to move forward have been what has finally started to allow me to actually open my eyes, and receive the stuff that some lucky bastards are just born with or learn earlier in life. There is no point in detailing it here there are a million blogs that will tell you the magical formula to success in life. That is not what this is about for me. I want to find a way to write and earn an income from it as well, but it is more important to just do what makes me happy and in the process hopefully those around me will be as well.  I don’t quite know exactly where the change has come from but I feel it…perhaps this mindfulness and forgiveness stuff I have been working on?

So, what do you do with your new found epiphany? Your new way of seeing things? You write about that as well. I was at a crossroads, hence part of the blog title! I kinda still am but I know that there are many options opening up to me that I never saw before.

I am less than a year shy of 50! If I am lucky and I do things right like diet (no, not the starving myself kind…never done that and never will, its about being sensible) and exercise, start to engage/re-engage with the right kind of people; the non toxic, honest, not so self interested and just plain intelligent kind. Find my tribe, so to speak. Focus on things that matter and let the rest take care of it itself. Be kind and aim not to hurt anyone whilst at the same time not put the welcome mat out on my forehead again for people to wipe their muddied boots on. Do things the way I want to not how everyone expects me to ie be authentic…I guess that is a pretty good way to start…

Everyone reaches a crossroads. Sometimes several times in their life. Not everyone gets the lessons or takes the opportunities that sometimes come from places of pain and hurt and that is sad. I will continue to impart my observations and musings, the story about what happens with life beyond him. Maybe not daily, just as it comes… I am grateful and thankful for the valuable lessons.

With love and white light 🙂

The turn of the tide?…..What you lose along the way…it just is…

It has been many long and at times difficult weeks. I have swung from utter misery and hopelessness to’ I’m doing OK’ and things are starting to look hopeful. What started as a cathartic writing experience as I make my way through what has been a more difficult time in my life, a decision to wear it on the outside the process rather than keeping it in, has turned into something I love doing. I love to write, its been a godsend. It has been a revelation to me. I know I can’t do it as well as I want to right now, I am still working my way out of the quagmire of the end of a very sad and painful relationship/friendship, and ultimately a spiral dive into depression and possibly the dark night of the soul but this has been a gift in other ways. It is only now that I am seeing this…slowly.

Is it possible to come out of blinding pain and paralysing fear, and no picture of the future without help? No, I don’t think so. This time as I have said many times I have been operating with pain full force, without prescription medication, with a storage of bad history that has had crushing effect on my mind and I know categorically I would not still be here if it wasn’t for connection.

The connect of a few good and loyal friends (those I know are there still even if I haven’t spoken to them lately), my psychologist, my sons and the company I am still somehow attached to (they haven’t fired me) and have had no pressure from to force a miracle recovery. And this blog and the stories and support from other bloggers out there.

Then there is also as time goes on the realisation of what I have lost. Time, some of my life, people I considered as friends but now realise they have gone…for whatever reason..I accept that people come into and out of your life and those that are meant to stay do and others go and you are better off without them, they don’t add to your life and only take when the going is good and it suits them. It is human to want to be around happiness and positivity as much as you can. Life’s too short and all the rest of it.

I felt quite sad yesterday at this loss. Particularly some friends I have known for years, one lot met ‘him’ from when we first met years ago. I get the feeling they probably don’t approve of my writing so much and so openly about it all. And possibly see him in a different light, because they assume without truly knowing. And that is fine. It is not my place or intention to vilify anyone. I am just trying to sort my world and understand the reasons why things happen. Sometimes, there is no reason….it just is.

I have read a number of accounts of people in bad, sociopathic, abusive, narcissistic and just plain damaging relationships. There is always a flip side where people try to diminish the truth, not accept or believe the victims and for them I can understand the pain that must cause on top of what they are already experiencing. Only those that are in it can truly understand.

I am not a victim. I was a young child dependent upon two people to show me the the right way to approach life and they couldn’t. I was a young woman who fell in love with someone she thought was reliable and trustworthy only to find years later he wasn’t. I was a mother who depended upon medical doctors to provide the right answers about my son’s illness and for a long time they couldn’t. This is not to diminish the real and harmful details of these occurences and those that have read my blog will know that which I have referred minimally to.

But I am someone who has been associated with an incredible amount of sad and crushing disappointment in her life, and disappointment will always be around irrespective of the level of and I have to change the way I deal with it. In so much that I consider has been lost I have also gained.

After all is said and done, I should know by now…how to…People. People will let you down. You, will let yourself down. It just is..

And then you see amongst the disappointment the love and compassion and human kindness where sometimes you least expect it. And it is that on good days that you must hold on to and pay it forward when possible.

I am grateful for all the many blessings in my life. Time to move forward.

Better out than in….how many times can a person bang their head against the wall?

Sometimes you have to say to yourself ‘how many times can you bang your head against the wall before it starts to hurt and you realise how futile it is?’. Well? Even though my psych thinks I am doing OK and progressing, I on the other hand struggle to find the sane person within me on a regular basis. This is a kind of Dear Diary entry today. I need a stern talking to and there is no-one around to do it but me….

Like yesterday. I was doing fine or so I thought. I was talking to a dear friend who is having a tough time right now (Yeh, I know, a bit like the blind leading the blind but how can you say no to a friend in need? Even if you are struggling yourself? I just can’t…say no easily…I care). But the conversation was tough, long and tough, trying to get them to see their way of thinking was not helping them and the biggest irony was that I am not thinking straight either.

I ended up drinking more than a bottle of red wine yesterday afternoon/night, something I rarely do anymore and I didn’t want to yesterday but I found myself there. I just did. There were tears. There was rebellion of thought. And then I did the worst thing I could possibly do after everything and that was to email him (Joe) late last night 9pm my time (Sunday night Perth WA) and would have been 6am Sunday morning in sunny Arizona. Bloody hell. Why? What did I hope to achieve?

My email was short, the title; ‘Still f…ed up…thank you very much’.  An then I pasted a YouTube song link, a Santana song ‘you know that I love you’ and under that I wrote ‘UP YURS;)’ in caps.

What the hell? Crazy is as crazy does…and now I find myself sitting and ruminating again. Back at crazy town, after some good days and good progress. Miserable. Yesterday morning I could see forward a bit. Today, nothing.

Is this meant to happen? I am a grown woman should I not have impulse control by now?  When will this form of self flagellation end. He is the anti-christ not a god, and I am just a dumb bird that fell for his BS. His cocaine hit for a period of time. His ego boost until he found another.  He was never going to respond, why would he? What we had was an illusion, he did not feel anything for me, he is not capable of it, he proved that by his actions but also his inaction.

What is this mad attachment I have to this man? Was my self esteem so shattered that the lies he told in the beginning, the crazy, full on ‘ you are coming to realise that I am your rock, your stability, you may never have had’, ‘your friends may care but not like I do’, “I love you’ within the first 2 weeks, ‘we need to come together for the rest of our lives and we need to do it now’ and many more manipulating, convincing words,  and when the flags warned me and I said ‘no, I need to slow this down a bit, we don’t have to do anything right now’ he said ‘sweetie, that’s not how I do things, I take life and live it, I don’t wait’, and then after his mania started to peter and I was ‘on the hook’ and started seeing things his way and no longer a challenge, when he realised I was questioning things, he started to disappear for periods at a time, throw the odd crumb. Classic Narc. I am still under that spell.

But, as I write…I have reminded myself…where I was…and where I had gotten to so far…before my conniption yesterday. Perhaps, if I step back and think more rationally, if possible with this hangover, maybe, just maybe this is part of the process of clearing.

Maybe, there will be these ‘bumps’ along the road and it is how I navigate them that matters? Come on girl, you have been fighting for so long..don’t give up now. Thought defusion. Remember, these things only have the power if you let them. IF YOU LET THEM….better out than in..