Following on from my quantum shift of yesterday the morning started off the same, negative mind and thoughts and I said to myself ‘oh no not this still’ and then I sat up put my laptop on and did more reading on the things that were bothering me and how to shift it. The mind was clear enough this morning for diversion and some retention, sometimes in the crux it is just not possible so this was good.
A kind of ‘if you can’t beat’em join em’ mentally but then ‘formulate a plan to combat it’ thought process. Stick with me here, if you are reading this you have so far and you know that any shift out of the mentality I have been stuck in is a damn miracle. Especially without medical intervention (meaning medication and straitjacket!..I do have a psych!). The struggle of the mind particularly in the grip of depression is monumental !. It is part of the reason some just give up, I don’t like to hear it and I have felt it so I understand it. You can’t always do something about it unfortunately.
After reading some good articles on psychology, depression, narcissism and how to handle the damage left by not only loving a narcissist ( a number of them actually) but dysfunctional parents i.e there is hope… I felt more forearmed to take another baby step, well I guess its a big step actually.
I forced myself to go to the gym. Yes, I levered up, put my joggers on, got on public transport (without brushing my hair. But I did brush my teeth!) and went to the gym for the first time in 8 weeks! 8 weeks since my heart was shattered into pieces and I started a downward spiral. 8 weeks of writhing in uncontrollable pain, tears, culminating in thoughts on the weekend I thought I would never think again.
I only did half an hour of walking on the treadmill…fast…at one stage a really motivating song came on and with the endorphin’s kicking in I went into a jog only for my knee to say “no way jose`” and aching but I stopped jogging and just stayed at a steady fast walk pace. And by goodness during and at the end it felt good. It felt so good I said ‘I want more of that’ and have decided to try get my sorry arse back there again this week as many times as I can muster the courage to (you avoid people when you are like this). But I have to make myself remember the feel good bit when I am being challenged in the head. That is the thing. Because it is so easy too retreat back to what is familiar even if it is a state of pain. It is the body’s survival instinct sticking to what it knows and is comfortable with. When you are down it is having the ability to challenge that comfort that is the hard part.
There is no magic bullet and no magic formula everyone has their own thresholds but if I can find stuff that works by god I will share it!
So the other thing I was thinking when I was in feel good mode on the tready was that I need to re-program the Ipod so that at the moment and until I am on even keel again I should put only upbeat and motivating songs on, and put aside sad love songs about breakup and heartache unless its about how they fought the odds and got through it! It’s a challenge because alot music is about love and heartbreak! Nevertheless…do everything you can til you don’t need to force it.
I can tell by my writing there is still a fair way but it’s a bloody good start….