I think I have just made it through the worst time in a long time in my mind and my life. Predominantly my mind. It has been the worst bloody struggle I have ever had because this time I am unencumbered by the veil of medication and everything I should have dealt with has come back full force like 15 tornadoes striking at once in the same place. I have hit bottom, and I admit for a small window in my absolute despair on the weekend I considered how peaceful death would be. But I held the vision of my beautiful sons and a feeling in my heart of my love for them and got over it. A sign of strength and will.
If your mind is not in order, you have nothing. Even if your body was fit, and mine was when I got off that plane coming back from my catalyst because I had worked like a woman possessed for many months to get to a level of fitness I had not had in years, my body was strong, my mind was not. He was my motivation. He was my world. He was my downfall. I let him IN.
I allowed myself to hope about the life and love I had dreamed of, I felt I deserved it, to have a happy life for the rest of my days with a man I was so in love with and I trusted with all my heart, and I do deserve it but I trusted the wrong person and didn’t trust myself enough. He helped perpetuate it but ultimately it was my own fault for allowing it to go on as long as I did. To believe in a fantasy. There were red flags everywhere, I am not a dumb woman at all but I let so many things slide because I saw the best in him only. I have always believed in the good in people. I needed to because so much happened years ago to hammer my faith down, as an adult I overcompensated in false and unrealistic belief.
I became co-dependent. With good reason but a bad place to be. Until you acknowledge where you are you have no hope of fixing it and going forward.
I read for most of the day yesterday, I read everything I could about Narcissism and co-dependency because something had taken me there in my search for answers yesterday because I had bottomed.
When I say bottomed, aside from literally hitting bottom I wrote several letters (email) to him over the weekend, knowing he would not write back but trying desperately to feel that feeling of connection we once had. I begged and pleaded for him to come back to me. He was never mine so how could he. My psych said he displayed classic signs of narcissistic personality disorder, mind you it is on my say so using what I told her about what happened. It helped me to realise that it was not all my fault for a while and whether it is true or not, even if his behaviour ticks all the boxes for classic narcissism having him labelled only deflects my own issues. I must not use him as a target to sidetrack what I need to deal with which is myself.
When I woke this morning I lay paralysed again in fear and tears, my mind had created a pattern and it faithfully replayed the same scenario because it is familiar. But this time, for some reason after a long while some spark inside of me said lift yourself up…write. So I did. I got my journal and I wrote exactly what was coming from my mind.
This is what I wrote in my journal as my cluttered mind tried to de-clutter;
Lost it. You wrote to him Roz on the weekend several times and he hasn’t responded. He won’t. He has let go. It’s easier for him. He can’t handle his failures. He know’s he was wrong. He probably feels very embarrassed by his lack of ability in bed after he made so much of his prowess. He made so much of a lot of things. Actually, No, by now he would have found a way for everything to be your fault. He is not right in the head. He can be very mean and cruel, you saw it with your own eyes. You need to forgive him. Forgive him because he doesn’t know how much he hurt you. He is not capable of knowing right now. The lovely man you thought you once knew is gone – maybe for good. Time and life has wearied him, made him selfish, cynical and cold. Don’t make excuses for him- he won’t even think twice about you anymore- has has shown that from the day you walked out. You walked for a reason; your gut was telling you very strongly to get out. You were right and justified. Believe in yourself, you are a clever girl, you were trying to look after yourself. DO IT NOW, LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. Life is for living not existing. LIVE, LIVE NOW.
I stopped writing and read it back, twice. And in that moment I felt a seed of clarity that I have not felt in a while. A seed. That is all it takes. Water it and it will grow (he once said that about your relationship girl remember..the onus was on you. Yet more subtle manipulation from one so practiced at it…acknowledge and let it go).
There are so many things that he said and so many reminders of our time I have found it hard to think of anything else. Aside from mothers guilt about my son.
That’s what I have to work on. Reminding myself when my mind tries to hijack my progress, about the wank and the bullshit. But also remind myself that I was and am a mother that loves her sons without question and always tried her best to shield them from the shades of crazy you were (it took so much to act normal when inside you were a mess), did her best to give whatever she could to them particularly love and security, confidence, everything I never had as a child.
Now I have to break the cycle. I have to break all of the cycles. One by one. Never again let it take you down. NEVER.