Here’s a thought. What if everything was just one big misunderstanding? What if I was making mountains out of molehills because I really just did not get what was really going on, could be cultural difference, could be level of maturity, where you’re at in the wisdom stakes? What if it all turned to shit because everything I saw was through the looking glass of massive expectation? It’s possible, unlikely but possible.
There had to be a point of turnaround for me because where I was headed was not good after these past few days particularly. I have spent weeks in a cycle of trying to pull myself up and then falling into a heap for days, psychoanalysing anything and everything to do with not only my relationship failure but the past life patterns.
Today, I felt progress again, just a bit but it started from this morning being frozen in fear and sadness lying horizontal in bed and then becoming so fecked off with that state something inside forced me to sit up. Then write, then eat, then read then take a walk. I actually went outside. I felt a tad anxious as I hadn’t been outdoors for days. And then I went to the local supermarket. On the way I saw a friend.
It is inevitable when you look like shit that you will see someone you know. Generally, someone of the opposite sex! (I may be depressed but I still register a feeling on the ‘I look like shit-o-meter’ so I must have improved a tad to be registering that).
My friend looked and immediately came over and gave me a big hug. I said ‘how did you know I needed that?’ and he said ‘you just looked liked you needed a big hug’! How right was he? It was lovely and kind. I had earlier decided when I started my walk to allow myself to think about things just as they came, acknowledge and let them go, give them up to the universe if you will. A change of tack. I had used it before but lately my mind has been so bent and dysfunctional it controlled me. I tried to work from my heart today, a bit of self love and kindness.
Anyway, more reading this afternoon and tonight because after my outing which I struggled with a bit I could not find the focus to even remember what I needed (this is what happens when in certain forms of depression, you struggle to think and the stress of that causes anxiety, hence why it is difficult to work) but later the walk had done the service of giving me a bit more retention and understanding so I read.
I read a different opinion on mindfulness and CBT. Someones new theory. He seemed to think that standard Western Psychology creates more problems than it helps. He believes that the mere fact that we chase a life of happiness makes us more unhappy because in theory you will never have happiness all the time. And that our understanding of happiness is constructed by cues from a world hell bent on immediate gratification and material concerns rather than just being.
I found this very interesting. And it reminded me that a certain person who shall remain nameless had regularly expressed the attitude ‘who gives a fuck’. About pretty much everything. And I started to think there was something in that even though I still think he is evil because doesn’t it make sense that a great freedom is afforded when you simply don’t give a shit what everyone else thinks of you?
Today we are all concerned about status and symbols that we are doing well. Ask a teenager who they idolise and it will surely be a Kardashian because of looks, money, exposure, popularity.
Ask a grown up and many will say Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Angelina Jolie because they have an enviable life and seem to be happy because of it constantly! What a crock!