I woke this morning and said ‘what now?’. Then I decided to read Facebook and see the happy people and their happy comments and they really are truly happy and that is fantastic, and then unfortunately the sarcastic posts of people unhappy with their own lives so they post sarcastic posts having a go at others just to make themselves feel better. Then there are those that post positive affirmations in attempt to show people that life is really good even when you know inside they are a mass of chaos, or ignoring their truths, but you know fake it til you make it!
At least I am quite blatantly open about my misery. I don’t hide it anymore, how can I when I post these blogs publicly.There were a few happy people, and as much as I was happy for them there was also an envy…how good it must be to wake up and be glad to be alive and have a happy positive and well functioning mind. What a blessing. When your mind won’t even respond to a message abut how one of your sons is missing you, you are in trouble. I sort of know why my psych suggested going back on the meds yesterday. Even alcohol seemed like a waste of time yesterday, it wasn’t going to numb me enough or make me happy even temporarily so I let it sit in the bag in which I purchased it, unopened.
You see posts of hope; people surviving cancer, hope for young children, how someone has beaten the odds, risen above challenges, made lots of money and driving fancy cars, brilliant new shoes they bought, fantastic new houses, great trips they are taking, all this good…and you just feel…half their luck…I hope I can wake up again tomorrow and maybe something has changed for the better in my mind, miraculously, cause right now I’ve lost the will to challenge the negative thoughts. Maybe writing this will help, maybe.
At this point I am finding it hard to see how the hell I am going to switch my thinking around. She (psych) asked me if I felt I wanted to self harm, I responded with a firm NO (I always think of my boys as my anchor to this earth) but wasn’t I doing it anyway? Thinking the thoughts I have about a relationship long ended, with a man who never gave a damn about me (boy was he a smart man, who would like to be around a person who is such a Debbie Downer). About a life I look back at and find it hard at present to see any good from it, except my sons.
I wrote in my gratitude diary this morning, page 1. As told by my psych. I struggled. But she said write even if you don;t feel it. Plant the seed, each day it will grow. So I did it. It remains to be seen.
I know one of my sons wants to see me right now. His carer messaged me yesterday and asked me to go see him as he apparently cried when he was talking about me. But I find myself unable to move, I am numb, I cry all the time, my mind is buggered and usually I could hide that but right now I can’t summon the strength to. I am far away, I can’t go near the house where he is staying because my ex and his wife won’t have me near the house. I have no car. I can’t afford to take him out really, yes I bought a bottle of wine yesterday but it was cheap and it was supposed to help but I never touched it. I don’t want him to see me this way. He deserves better.
I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. There is no point. Rehashing shit just makes it worse. I am in life limbo, just hanging in there….when will this end? I will not take medication, will not. So whats the answer? How to turn a mind around from something that has a powerful grip on me…..