I have really lost it. I know I have. I have been lying in bed most of the time since I wrote my last post, writhing. Crying, feeling despair, anger, resentment, hurt, pain, just suffering. Then I’ve felt guilt extreme guilt for so many things, about my son and not being well enough to rise above this and just get my sorry arse over to him somehow. The time I am missing with him. How my youngest (18) seems to be the one picking up the slack where my unwell eldest son (20) is concerned his father seems to be getting him to look after him in his Uni break and a carer for some hours. It should be me, at one stage I asked to be his carer but my ex would not allow it. And under his fathers control I haven’t had any say in any of it for a good few years now and we simply can not communicate with each other, at all. I feel guilty about that even though I have the least amount of control of it. I should be doing more. I simply have no fight left in me after years of it.
I am wallowing in these feelings for a man still who I does not want me or care if I exist. I keep making excuses for everything and worrying about him, his state of mind, his inability to perform physically when we were together, how he is not looking after himself really even though he says he is, on medication, eating crap, working too hard, that the little time we could have had together will never happen because he is going to die earlier than he thinks (yes, this is how my mind works). I think about how amazing he was in the beginning his words, his encouragement, his pretend warmth and supposed love and care which eventually waxed and waned when I started to pull away from it because something deep inside me activated survival mode and he wanted full control and devotion from me and I wouldn’t give it, I couldn’t, I have been in survival mode for so long I knew no other way.
Now survival is all I am doing, but it has tapered to exist. No joy.
I keep questioning why do I still see the good in him. What was it about him, that stops me from letting it fully go. Why am I so selfish to be focusing on that when my son needs me… but the thought of someone needing so much when I can’t function fills me with dread and fear and guilt and incapacitates me further. I try to work out why? Why? I asked my psych yesterday why? She said this is what we are working on getting to the bottom of, to draw it out and be rid of it. I have said it out allowed “I want this to be the end of it all, now” and its just not happening, Why? The chaos is bad in my head right now, I am going to have a drink this afternoon I am, I have to, it might give me a temporary peace. If not I will take the mild sleeping pills I have because I need to silence this mind chatter today I just do, its too much….that does not mean I want to die, I just want peace.