Blah. Some days things are just too hard. Including finding a title for my blog even though I knew I needed to write both my blogs. Not really needed, wanted to. I started another blog but this time about local Oz politics (called Aussie politics the farce) or the incompetency there of and intend to use it for good purpose when my brain fog lifts. But it is hard when I feel like I have been through the ringer after a psych session. I can’t think straight at times. That is also symptomatic of depression, brain incompetence. Sometimes I really do forget what day it is! It seems like forever this has been going on but it is still not quite 2 months and everything I have to deal with will not simply disappear in the blink of an eye. It has taken years and months to implant.
We have become so used to instantaneous in our everyday life, we need everything now and our attention spans seem to match and if something goes on for too long without results we either lose interest or want our money back! It seems the same for everything including relationships.
It was Psych day today. It is always very draining but good. Even though she seems to tell me alot of what I already know it helps to lose the plot in front of someone else, fall to pieces and be picked up and dusted off by a helping hand.
She was a bit concerned with me today, asked if I might reconsider medication even if a small dose just to get myself out of the hole I’m in. I said if it doesn’t change over the next week or so I will consider it and that is a big thing because I took it for years, it took me months and months and lots of illness to get off them and I swore I would never go back on them.
You see, it veils everything. Evens out the peaks and troughs but to me life is full of peaks and troughs you just need to know how to navigate them with confidence and strength of mind, plus I firmly believe they made me worse in the end. I know this has been a bit worse than first thought but I know I will get through it. I have to. Life is for living, not just surviving. I want to live life unmedicated, I won’t say be normal cause I find that ridiculously BORING, but learn to work within certain bounds of normalcy and conformity (YUK).
Anyway I know what got me here…Joe. Over the months of our reconnect I had fallen deeply in love with him and had told myself we were going to really give this is go even though the odds were bad and that I was not going to give up easily like I had before on other relationships. (Yes I am gonna keep saying it til it makes me sick inside to utter his name and then NEVER EVER AGAIN). Why the Universe saw fit to introduce us again after 30 long years and half a globe apart will baffle me until the day I die.
The timing of our reconnect was lousy. I was doing OK getting myself off the medication after 17 years and coming out of a bad time after years of my sons illness and many other things, the kids were older and I finally was able to deal with ME, and his carrying on brought an artificial high that I was unprepared to cope with. And I know he knew that. We discussed everything, I trusted him implicitly with things I had never told anyone and he wanted to know in the early days, he wanted to know everything about me and what had happened over the last 30 years we had been apart. I was a soft target, an easy entertaining game for him to play and win. And he is still winning whilst I give him my love, thought and care. But my psych said I have to stop my feelings of resentment (I know, that is such a classic psych statement!) and turn it into forgiveness so he no longer has the control.
Being a narcissistic, egotistical control freak he would not have taken a second glance after I left the house so all I am doing is giving him power to hurt me without him even giving two hoots about me! TOLD YOU I AM MESSED UP! But she did say I am one of those people who sees the best in everyone to my detriment.
She (Psych) also managed to get to some other stuff too which is good cause it’s not just about he who shall remain nameless anymore. Cause that’s the plan. Get it all out and dealt with and get on with life in the best and most amazing way possible…whatever is left of it.
Stand at this damn CROSSROADS and make the best possible choice with clear heart and mind and JUST BLOODY WELL GET ON WITH IT.
So aside from my bitchfest blog about Australian politicians and this damn existential crisis, I am going to start writing a gratitude journal including all the good things I am and do as the days go on. Her idea, yes, I know it is a common thing for people to do these days but apparently sometimes we need reminding how good we are and about the good things in general! See I struggle with that. I feel that thinking about how good we are is being ‘up ourselves’, selfish.
In the days of “selfies” how much of ‘it’s all about me’ should we take? The mere fact that Kardashian’s have become famous and have made millions from selfies and self promotion drives me spare, there is so much of it around. I have even felt guilt at writing this blog at times or posting photos of myself on facebook.
I guess the part of this midlife crisis is about accepting that the world has moved on from the days I remember fondly, not just Joe has moved on, but the world has.
Time for a Martini perhaps?