I thought about him again when I woke this morning. As I said I need to let my mind sort through this merde organically. I have found that if I try to shove things aside i.e “Just don’t think about it” the mantra from most who have never suffered mental illness then I find my mind pulls my thoughts there even more strongly in defiance! It is dichotomous and it really pisses me off.
Last night after all I had said he kept coming into my head again after an almost good day of remembering how much he hurt me and why I needed to wash that man right out of my hair! He has been so deeply entrenched in my heart and soul this is like a pervasive insidious disease that comes back right when you think you’ve licked it. I did not deserve this, but then again no one deserves a broken heart let alone one stomped into the ground by someone jumping with glee as he does it.
So I watched more Sex and the City. I am up to the 6th and final season. I know what’s coming; ‘Big’ comes to his senses at the very end and chases Carrie to Paris when he realises after all the years, the break ups and the heartache he caused her, she is ‘the one’. It shows me what happens if someone really does genuinely like you (and not just themselves), albeit this is the sloppy romantic TV Series version but I know it must happen occasionally in real life otherwise it would be a pretty sad world. I am, a hopeless romantic, I don’t apologise for it and I still believe.
‘Love, after all its what it is all about’ Joe once said when he was working on me in the beginning of our reconnect! When he told me this was our second chance, many didn’t even have a first he said, and we owed it to ourselves to take it now and live happily together for the rest of our lives, yes, he said that, in the very early days. I have it all in writing, plus 2 hour phone conversations Australia to USA (me calling at his request because he hadn’t put international dialing on his mobile plan apparently, this CISCO Global Services Executive who commands an international team, so he says!!…YES I AM BLOODY DUMB, well I played dumb because deep down I knew he was being untruthful…..see, complicit), etched in my brain.
I was going to bonfire it all the other day, including the photos of us together when I was 16 and he was 25, but I can’t quite bring myself to because in the beginning he could express himself fine and his writing was romantic, some lines worth keeping for a laugh and to remind me what not to fall for ever again. His reasoning was that he was an Alpha Male and proud of it, hang on, Ex Military, Sicilian, Alpha Male with psychotic and narcissistic tendencies, I had no hope whatsoever! His words of manipulation were quite an art form actually, I guess he was focused on something he wanted and it was entertaining him and his massive ego for a short while (whilst on summer work break I am now guessing). I trusted him, he was very convincing but when I got to see how he works I realised how he managed it.
I guess I have learned one hell of a lesson from this. About love, trust and how to read men and be honest with yourself. Bloody painful way to learn. It took 49 years for such a painful lesson. After a very painful life. I must have done something really bad in previous ones. But if I let this take away my capacity to love and trust there is no point in staying on this earth.
LOVE, COMPASSION AND FORGIVENESS…the world needs it in droves…
Speaking of bizarre things I get “Moon meditations” sent by email each day from Yasmin Boland and today the heading was “Relationships city, Arizona…” (Joe lives in Arizona) and held some really interesting things like her graphic of skywriting that said “forgive them even if they are not sorry” and included;
” Even if you feel someone has harmed you, there is no point in carrying around the resentment; far better to release it, to forgive and, MAYBE, even to forget. I say maybe because if someone has really hurt you, then you may choose to forgive, but remember how they behaved so that you don’t open yourself up again to more hurt from the same person! Also remember that forgiving someone doesn’t mean what they did was OK. It just means you’re willing to forgive, release the karma and let go…
As Buddha said, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
I have been drinking the poison, but hoping I would die. I did die, inside…at times I still feel numb but I am doing something about it. As I said, its not just about Joe, it’s me and the whole way I have been living my life and what I have been prepared to accept because I felt unworthy of anything else. My mind has been so full of negative programming and experiences I am surprised it hasn’t just exploded. I am surprised I helped raise two beautiful souls my sons, who are so full of love, honesty, compassion and just damn fine people. And Jordy (my eldest son) with his amazing attitude even with the amazing challenges his disease presents…its a miracle.
But that’s just it. Yesterday on TV, when they were talking about bringing home the children of the ex Australian who had joined the jihadi terror group I do not even wish to name (their name is not worth uttering), many consider that we should not allow them back into the country because their mother chose to take them to live with their father and support this heinous group, expose these poor innocent kids to unspeakable acts and the Psychoanalyst specialising in this area said that many have gone through the most awful beginnings and have never gone on to live bad lives hurting others. The mind can be re-programmed, de briefed, rewired etc. The amazing powerful control system that is our mind.
I BELIEVE IT and I am working on mine….one day at a time….