“It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere” (Voltaire) The chains I revere were graphically displayed last night after an entire bottle of a lovely Red wine which unfortunately I failed to appreciate properly through drinking too much of it. I guess my conversation with the shrink brought some issues out that I did not want to handle so I drank and then the beast was unleashed. Instead of having a fun night it ended up bringing the side of me out that I really don’t like. Not even my music could save me last night and that is rare indeed. Music has been my constant companion, my best and most staunch friend in battle.
It was wrong of me to discuss in a public forum what I wrote in my last post. Irrespective of what occurred between us public naming and shaming is just crass and wrong. And it happens far too often these days.
I can’t take it back. It’s done. (POST SCRIPT EDIT..it is now gone..trashed)
“Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable”(Voltaire)
When you are forced to look back at the train wreck of your life it is hard sometimes to see the point in it all. But in order to heal you need to walk through the mess rather than around it or it never resolves.
I’ve been trying to make the process of healing lighter going for myself but it is incredibly tiring trying to control what is essentially a process of time and patience. When do we ever really have control, of anything?
She (my lovely psych) asked me yesterday to tell her about what was affecting me the most at this point and the tear filled words came so fast and thick it must have been difficult for her to decipher one clear thread. There were so many.
One thing she made clear though was that I was not imagining the psychological effect his actions and then lack of action has had on me. I am not a victim in all this I was complicit in our failure. I chose to ignore all the warning signs and not trust myself and my instinct.
She regularly reviewed things and told me that she saw very encouraging acts of strength, knowledge and instinct and said I needed to follow my instinct more prevalently.
Something that you find hard to do when you look back at what you perceive at that time to be a sea of wrong decisions. But they weren’t necessarily wrong. They were what you thought was right at that point in time.
Some days I tire of the constant analysis of ‘what went wrong?’. I just want to run out the door face pointed towards the sun feel the warmth envelope me and say ‘ain’t it good to be alive?’. I do have days like that but right now they are very few and far between. “Everything is fine today, that is our illusion” (Voltaire).
“No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking” (Voltaire)
Although I left my psych appointment feeling depleted and drained, as I reached the bus stop there was a lovely old man who moved his bag so I could sit even though there was plenty of space on the bench and he then gave me the warmest of smiles. He seemed happy and content, he did not try to chat my ear off. He seemed to sense I needed some calm and peace.
Things will be dealt with properly this time. I know that now. I am feeling everything full pelt now because the veil of medication is long gone. I realise this is how it should have been dealt with previously. FEEL it, acknowledge it, let it go.
“It is vain for the coward to flee; death follows close behind; it is only by defying it that the brave escape” (Voltaire)…I love Voltaire.