The shift I have been talking about in the last couple of days has held and although I am still fighting an internal battle with my mind it seems the more positive side is winning particularly when I repeat the mantra of Love, Forgiveness and Compassion.
Something in the thought of those words seems to deflate the beast that tries to over talk in more negative language in your mind. I guess as some read this they will say ‘what the heck is she talking about?’ but let me say that if you have ever had a war with your mind you will understand. It means the difference between being a well functioning human being and a dysfunctional shell of a human being. Many will say “oh is she still there? Talking the same shit?”, well yes, because there is no quick fix with mindset which as I have said is the result of years of bad experience and programming and unfortunately sometimes chemical imbalance.
Believe me it’s real. I have spent years at war with myself and I have witnessed others close to me and outside. The battle is constant, its lifelong. You are constantly reminded how well everyone around you seems to be doing, coping and the acceptance of yourself that you are unique and still a worthwhile human being in those circumstances only adds to the problem.
Therein lies the the challenge of mindset. But never give up. I say that easily at present because clarity is coming through, but even at my darkest when I felt the world would be better off without me most of the time I was able to say..what about the people you love and the effect you will have on their lives if you give up? I have met despair…the point where you become so determined to leave you feel relief at the thought of going. I have also made a split second decision to go and been unsuccessful..there is a knifes edge between sanity and reality at that point and it can go either way. Not all have the strength I understand but if there is anything left within you you must never give up. The indomitable human spirit, it is in us all. They say ‘this too shall pass’, it will.
It is not my intention to preach. There are many online writing about their battles and I am very glad they are because without dialogue and openness the stigma would not be losing its power. And I think it is. Slowly.
On a positive note, for myself, the last couple of days have seen improvement. And I have found that when I have been able to see things differently there has also been a corresponding change in everything else around me.
I have managed through the persistence and kindness of one person find the help I need in the form of an alternative psychologist who will bulk bill me through medicare until I either go back to work or find some other financial assistance to give me the ability to pay the extraordinary cost of mental health care in this country. I have discussed this before, the system is pretty much broken and in an age where the challenges are immense and more people are breaking down we need more compassion and less materialism as the Dalai Lama said. But it is there, and it is possible to create more one person at a time.
There have been other amazing acts of kindness and support from people around me and as the reality of that hits it only adds to my more hopeful state of mind and ignites the fight within me and it must start from me. But as I said when you look at things with a more open heart and mind the resultant effect around you is astounding.
I have never been one to not try to run before I walk, that has been a challenge, but once again I must stand back, take a breath and attempt each forward step at a steady pace. Re-program if you will.
Part of this is the thought that this blog has served it’s purpose over this time but there will be a time soon that I will probably re-purpose and take a different direction. I want to start to change to tone of my posts with my corresponding change; as the light comes and I feel that a new look and feel is warranted or maybe a completely different blog. You see there is a life beyond him, I am starting to see that now. And the crossroads are an amazing gift, an opportunity. Often we don’t have or take the time to make our choice we run to the next thing blindly and on impulse.
This has been an interesting experience, writing, and I want to continue. All in good time.