When I woke this morning there seem to be a shift in my thoughts which for weeks have been filled with chaos feelings of heartache, darkness, and why? Why did this happen? What is my purpose in life? Why why why? Mind chatter, tired mind and body. Immense sadness and hopelessness.
There is still elements of that and to think you can magically wave a wand and all will be well is an untruth when your mindset is stuck in a pattern from past experiences and programming.
One thing The Dalai Lama continued to express in his talk was mindset. He continually pointed to his head and referred to the mind, in combination with the heart. Always think from a broader perspective instead of the narrower focus. Open the mind and the heart.
His consistent message in all that he said got through. His delivery is faultless. He does not try to persuade you like the pervasive marketing techniques of nearly everything we are exposed to today including peoples opinions which we are bombarded with endlessly because of social media today. He simply expresses from experience, knowledge and wisdom and delivers from love and compassion. You want to listen to him because of it. You trust his word.
YOU KNOW THERE IS NO VESTED INTEREST FROM HIS HOLINESS.
It is rare these days that I accept anything in trust. My capacity to trust took a great battering over many years and culminating in my recent Joe experience.
I did think of him briefly this morning but this time I thanked him for the learning experience, forgave him and wished him love.
He caused me immense pain but I have forgiven him because I realise that he does not know the consequences of his actions and does not feel anything about what he has done. Wherever that comes from, his ignorance or lack of compassion, and I spent many a day and night trying to analyse and excuse his behaviour and attitude, it is now not important. It is his journey and mine is now my own.
The period of darkness that I have experienced seems to finally be fading, because it is no longer incredibly dark there is light, I can see it coming through as each day progresses. They say that when you experience the dark night it can go for days, months or even years. You can experience it more than once but that each time will lessen the more you learn and the more that the negative egoistic aspect of human in you dies.
I have not found ‘the answer’ I was looking for. I am far from the completely changed person you falsely perceive you should become when you start to emerge from your individual existential crisis or darkness. Far from it. But I have found certain philosophies and truths that seem to resonate with me and believe that if I practice what resonates it will serve to make my journey a more happy and enlightened one. But you must be aware and practice. It is like anything in life a learning curve. So practice I will.
As I write I can see that the title of my blog will not be appropriate unless I describe my journey after letting him go and how I get to and what I do on the path that I choose at this current crossroad.
I guess at this point I am standing upright now rather than sitting cross-legged peering at fork in the road….aside from continually working on me and getting myself to the point where I can offer some help to others from a place of genuine love and compassion…where to next?