When ‘reality check’ method does not work…and when it does…

‘Reality check’ method does not work when one is in a particularly dark place! There is no sense in waving that smelling salt under the nose of the person in the dark, it doesn’t work and if the frame of mind is particularly bad it will only make that person feel even more guilty than they already feel and possibly expedite the possibility they will end their life. It is not that they do not feel compassion. It is usually that they feel too much, they feel everything very deeply. Hence I find people who think that reality check can apply to every situation just plain ignorant. I repeat, ignorance is bliss.

Yes I see hardship, pain and suffering all around me when I do see other things aside from myself and my pain. I have said again and again I know I am not in as bad a situation as others; I have food to eat, a roof over my head for now, friends and family. I feel guilty about that at times.

It’s hard not to see it when it is everywhere. And to force a person to see these things and expect them to just say ‘OK since others are worse off I’ll just snap out of my self indulgence and all will be better’ is once again a form of ignorance, if you have not experienced the black how can you truly know what it is like inside that persons head? What their set of realities are? Never assume, it’s not your place to.

You don’t have to be destitute to be feeling like life is not worth it. You can be rich and successful and still decide you don’t want to be here as the pain is just too much…look at Robin Williams, L’wren Scott, Kurt Cobain, Michael Hutchence.

If you are blessed with a well functioning mind I applaud you. Be grateful, you are truly blessed. Use your powers for good not evil! The world has enough evil to go around.

A day of mind numbness again yesterday, alcohol. It is nice while it happens but the end result is the same, it only lengthens and exacerbates the time you spend in the dark. I take one step forward and three steps back when I do it. It must stop. The nine months I spent communicating with Joe I hardly touched alcohol, his influence. There were some good things that came of our reconnect, I can acknowledge that now. But I am starting to find myself disliking him intensely. I think I am in the anger phase of this process. The part where he is involved, in my whatever this is.  Every time I am forced to recall my trip to the States to see him, when around friends, I start to see the reality of the situation. This is when reality check does work.

The only reason I know what day it is right now is because it sits on the right hand corner of my laptop screen. I have another doctors appointment later today, no not psych although I wish it was, my writing is my psych right now.

I simply do not feel I even want to rise out of bed today. What for? Will this feeling ever end? The days seem to blend into one, its been well over a month. When does it end? I have to make a decision about my job, I am damned lucky they have offered me the time time they have, unpaid but still a lifeline of sorts. I am simply not ready for it. The work does not make me happy (who’s does I hear you say?!) but it is a job, I am aware to have a job in this economic climate is a godsend but I am not capable of performing within what I know is expected of me right now. The burden of expectation makes me feel sick to my stomach, it messes with my head, it is a reality check..you need money to survive…you need money for support but when your mind is a haze of chaos and sadness it’s one reality that is so hard to take….

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