Don’t write when you are drunk…Justin…What goes around

What goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around…true..

Can’t help but feeling that part of what I’m experiencing is karmic retribution. The relationship part. I have to admit I have not been particularly careful with others feelings over the years. And I see it everywhere now. The date site I joined is a veritable minefield.

One guy said to me openly ” I have a gf and she is away alot.” when I said, ‘as much as you are attractive I believe in karma and you have a gf, so sorry, but I wish you luck in your search’…(NOT!)

He said “‘that’s a pity, because I am on my own alot and I want a lover, and you look pretty hot!”. Well…whoopppee.!.

Hard to get excited by that. But in the dating market these days that is what is out there and at least he was honest about it. I seriously had to appreciate his honesty.And why the heck am I dating when I am a headcase, freak, going through breakup and the dark night or whatever existential spiritual crisis?

Because if I don’t do something, I will simply die. Not only a spiritual death. Once again convention says; “you can’t give yourself to someone unless you are whole yourself” “Happy yourself” What the fuck would I need someone else for if if I was my own one piece entertainment centre?. Seriously, this “be happy and love yourself shit I think goes too far sometimes!” Why would we need others if we are do damn self sufficient? Complimentary? Oh for fuck sake…what is the world coming to?

This situation with Joe really changed my perspective on things. I was happy to be alone up until then. He made me feel like there was a much greater life when you spent it with “a man that captures your heart” his words. There were so many wonderful, promising, influential words. This man was a poet. Perhaps a Charles Manson?

How does one person effect another’s mind to such an extent that you are willing to completely give up your life as you know it? Make you want to devote yourself to them?

Convention says weakness. You simply chose to ignore the warning bells. You have had such a bad life that you are willing to accept the word of someone simply to fill the hole you have in your heart, your life.

Yes, that’s its. I am weak, I am unintelligent, too trusting. I should never trust or believe anything anyone says. Fuck filters we develop over time in life…unreliable…!!

Where? Do we find the compromise on what we can and can’t trust in others? I am fortyfuckingnine years old…I still don’t know. I choose to trust. Is that wrong? Don’t talk judgement…are you really honestly good at that?

I’m afraid my filters have gone for good. I can respect and love and trust..but that comes from me my instinct, not a filter that has been put in place by years of programming and others say so.

There is greater freedom in self reliance that is authentic, really authentic..

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