My spirit is waning, I feel almost dead inside. Days of feeling complete nothingness intersperse with some days of hope and then back again. I had a temporary reprieve yesterday when spending time with a friend and copious amounts of alcohol seemed to allow me to forget the nothingness for a few brief hours and now its as if time is ticking and my life is just wasting away and once again I can not see forward. I can’t see a reason although I would never want to hurt my sons by leaving…just giving up, they do not deserve that. I don’t want to die but I don’t know how to live at this point either there doesn’t seem much point.
Even the love I thought I still had for Joe has died. I know I love my sons but I can’t feel it even right now. Nothingness.
I sit with tears writing this because as I write it reads so sadly but it is how I feel. I know if I was near a hospital and attended, right now they would put me in the psych ward and pump me full of drugs. Because you can not be like this. It is against convention. Why do I feel like this?
I found a post about the ‘dark night of the soul’ today by Doreen Virtue. It seemed timely. There are various other thoughts on this process. It seems to be the only thing that fits right now and if this really is true and it exists then perhaps it is the only answer and means I will come out of this like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon.
Right now the notion seems damn crazy. Time to heal? Time to waste? Don’t talk to me about distraction it is temporary and just doesn’t really help right now. People are ill right now and losing battles to live and here I am wasting this so called precious gift that is life. Some days it just takes all my energy just to breathe…..