Another day. Another day I have woken up and said to myself ‘what now?’. I should be waking and saying ‘Hello sunshine, what a beautiful day to be alive and I am grateful for all my many blessings’. I tried that. I did it everyday for a number of months and those months were not as bad as this last one has been. Now I simply forget to because other noise is pervading my brain.
It’s been 10 months since I received a connect invitation from Joe on Linkedin and already its over, it was calamitous and I wonder what the purpose of it all was? Why did the universe see fit to reconnect us after 30 plus years and half a globe apart if it was only to fall to shit like it did? I keep talking about life lessons, I’m finding it hard to see the lesson in this one right now.
But as I keep saying, my feelings, my situation is by no means anything I should be whingeing about; I have the best sons in the world, good friends, reasonable health, a roof over my head, food to eat, the list goes on. Yet why don’t I feel happy in my life? Is this still part of the grieving process?
I know that to continue to write about this people reading will switch off (not that my intention was for a massive readership, still isn’t, just a journey shared and a cathartic method to ease my mind). People don’t want to hear sad stories, they much prefer positive and uplifting…lord knows I do to.
The exposure to information now is at critical mass how the brain doesn’t explode from trying to process the stuff bombarding us I have no idea. It is why I switch off on a regular basis from all forms of media just to try calm and centre.
I am still finding it difficult to understand how after everything he can just shut off completely without a word. Not one word. Of course I have had short term relationships before, and dates where the other person is simply not interested, it’s normal, it just happens. Out of the many people you meet in the partnership sphere only a very minute percentage will become the one’s that we share a significant part of our life with. Or if you are one of the miracle few that have met and are still with your life partner how lucky you are.
He consistently said to me he was ready to be with that life partner, this was the time, but I now realise he just did not mean me. And his behaviour and actions tell me he will be searching a bloody long time if he does not change, although it is not for me to try change anyone, it is their journey.
So why? What was the purpose of our reconnect at this time in life. I was actually happy being on my own at that point and I had always said I would never marry again, I could be happy just having friends. But as soon as I met him I realised I was ready, I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life and he said that this was our second chance and we needed to take it and be together for the rest of our lives, it was meant to be. He felt that he was the only one who could help me out of my illness and he was my rock and stability. Now, nothing.
I have been starting to take the day by day steps. I may go out today to catch up with a friend who is in from another state. But he is not happy with his situation right now and it will be a whingefest if we let it be.
I won’t let it be. If I do venture out it needs to be an improvement from the sanctuary and warmth of my room or why bother.
Am I experiencing and is this what they mean about experiencing “the dark night of the soul”?