The morning after! I have quite a fuzzy head again and usually when I have indulged in these last weeks I wake feeling melancholy and miserable (and feel incredibly guilty because Joe would not have liked me ‘partying’…Joe who? I say…false bravado, just fake it til you make it!). But this morning I can’t help but laugh at myself. I had a bee in my bonnet yesterday I just had to get out. Had that whole it’s Friday vibe thing happening..yeah let’s go..woohoo after all I have been stuck in a kind of self imposed exile. I have to get moving.
I have been taking part in that great and very common (these days because we are time poor and the organic process of dating seems to have fizzled somewhat because of our way of life) pastime of online ‘dating’, probably a really mad time to do it considering my love and existential crisis, but as I have said I am going to make the rest of my journey a good one and it is a ‘distraction’. It means getting back on the proverbial horse although the timing is probably a tad out right now. What the heck, surely it can’t hurt?…Oh dear…
So I get an invite out by a couple of males, I chose one over the other he was younger and more aggressive in his approach and I like a man that takes charge..although not to the extent that they are a controlling narcissistic egomaniac like a certain person who shall remain nameless but begins with J..! Goodness, ain’t you gone yet? Outta my head yank.
Anyway, this guy plans to meet up at a pub somewhat nearby (nothing is nearby where I am living these days except Kangaroos!) and he right up until the 11th hour seems keen. Then he says with an hour to go “Sorry Roz I’m not sure I will make it in time to the Pub but how about you come over to my house instead?”
My immediate response “I don’t even know you, like that’s gonna happen, have a nice life!” well I may have tempered my response a tad as in print its just not ladylike! What? Do I have a big S for Stupid on my forehead?!
Now I know for a fact that there are ‘Apps’ and websites specifically set up for casual ‘dating’ and there are many happy to take part in that scene young and very old, its become all so open and quite frankly a tad gory…I have had 2 very young men message me on the site I am on one 18 (!) and the other 23 and they have specifically said they are looking for cougars and let them know if I would like a bit of ‘fun’..well kiddo’s I am old enough to be your mother and that ain’t gonna happen in this lifetime I assure you. YUK with a capital YE!
But there it is. Then you get these guys with ” no baggage, no kids, no-one I need to fix, must be physically attractive” in their profiles fella’s, have you had a good hard look at yourselves lately? Hello, this is all so familiar, someone who shall remain nameless but begins with J had told me countless times he had the body of a 35 year old (he is almost 60!), he is fit and healthy (he has a belly on him and looks like a heart attack waiting to happen including a number of medications that support that fact) and how he was going to make love to me all night and the fact is he simply could not (not that that matter so much when you love someone, I could have lived with that, seriously, because I loved him).
Delusions everywhere, not just men, the women too. I’ve had many of the men tell me how appreciative they are that I even took the time to say’ Hi, thanks for your message however I do not wish to take this further at this stage, and I wish you well in your search’, I’m a freak, I really do sit and take the time to cut and paste that standard response to each because I don’t like to ignore people. Some of them are genuinely lonely and putting there hearts out there and I don’t want them to feel they are not worthy of at least a reply! One night I had 38 messages in my inbox, in just one night and that occurred frequently near about in numbers for at least a week and I still get a lot. Sometimes I want to end the membership.
It’s too soon, I still for some unfathomable reason have feelings for the man that broke my heart. I have spent many an hour pummeling myself for being so stupid. But I have come to realise, that is just me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, when I love I love deeply, honestly and faithfully and one day I hope I will have that in return. Mutually. I can not allow this painful experience with Joe to take away my belief in love, love is all you need the Beatles said! I believe them. (With the exception of food, water, shelter…yadayada)
In the meantime I’ll continue to take these steps forward, one day at a time…