I realise I am in the midst of an existential crisis.
It is just over one month since I got off the plane and then allowed myself to fall to pieces after having my heart shattered which set in motion a month long (so far) emotional and physical rollercoaster.
A month later what do I know? And how do I feel?
I know I have felt extreme failure at choosing to put my love, trust and faith in someone who broke that love faith and trust.
I know that I still cry each day, although a little less as time goes on.
I know that he will never find it within him to write to me and apologise for his part in what happened and that my expectation of such is only self defeating and ridiculous because some people are just incapable of saying sorry.
I know that you can not isolate and must stay connected, but you can choose to surround yourself with people that are good and are capable of saying sorry yet those are simply the ones that hardly ever seem to need to!
I know that what they taught me at Uni about dissatisfaction gap applies not only to Marketing but to how you feel in life when the gap between expectation and reality hits you in the face and we tend to always be chasing to close that gap often creating a sense of misery and a feeling of missing out.
I know that as this process of life change I am in unfolds I am realising that many doors are open to me and making a choice which one is both daunting and exciting (this was pretty much said by my dear and treasured friend who whilst amongst the frenetic morning ritual of kids and getting ready for school still found the time to acknowledge what I had written in my post the other day about crossroads..once again she extended her very capable hand…I am so lucky and grateful for her) but change is inevitable.
I read an article about Sheryl Sandberg (COO of Facebook) who recently lost her husband in a freak accident, where she poignantly described her pain and grief. It only confirmed to me that even though I saw grief as only being reserved for situations as hers the things she was describing about her situation and thoughts somehow resonated. What I have been feeling and that grief can be associated not just with death..it applies to loss and suffering in its many different forms. It is real and you find a way to work through it. (I especially found resonance in her final part of the post where she referred to the lyrics of a song by Bono from U2 which states” There is no end to grief . . . and there is no end to love.” Music is universal, it is art and poetry and everyone can relate to it.
I know that these periods of change whether welcomed or not force you to learn and grow, you ask questions about life and your part in it. You try to formulate or find answers that are congruent with the paradigms set out not only by our immediate sphere of interest but society, yet is that where the answers should come from should we follow those rules because what is familiar is safe and to a certain extent known?
More bloody questions? When will it end, when should it? We all pretty much know the above or don’t we?
Perhaps there is something to be said for being so incredibly busy that you don’t have the time to think, that that kind of stress is worth it because it is familiar, safe and known.
I am curious to know where I will be, what will I feel and what I have decided in the next month even…when time will apparently continue to heal and will some of these questions be answered?