I literally feel at this very moment in time at a complete loss (stay with me, this is not completely woe is me!)!
Torn between allowing myself the time everyone (and to an extent me even) keeps telling me I need, yet feeling like I should be up and running doing this and that and getting on with it. Perhaps a classic form of anxiety (overtaking sadness and depression)…textbook! I hate that word ‘anxiety’, it conjures up a crazy nervous and paranoid person in my head…a freak…but my interpretation on things is always amped up slightly and I am a bit of a freak…but I love and care deeply.
Feels kinda mad! I sat here literally a moment ago and said out loud “I don’t know what to do”
To clarify, I know what I have to do about my ‘state’ right now but I do not know what to do in terms of my life.
I hear Joe’s, ahhh scratch that…THAT MAN’s voice saying ‘you are 50, you should have it together by now’ and as I said before I just turned 49 and feck him, quite frankly he doesn’t in many ways have it together although his ‘delusions’ seem to get him past that somehow!
What is it about us that makes us compare and create these self expectations that if we haven’t achieved ‘X’ by now then WHY THE HELL NOT?
I ask that, and then I think of the 3 years I spent at University studying Business and Marketing and I say ” are you really asking that question?!”. But, seriously, how do you find that elusive direction you are supposed to take when you hit the crossroads?
I have read so many motivational, self help, spiritual concepts, soul searching yada yada bits of information my head is spinning and I feel even more confused! Everyone is guru these days. Everyone tells you how you can find your bliss, your life’s purpose, your career and more and I have been partaking in all of that trying to get my answer.
I know part of it the answer will involve helping others in some way but you need to be in a position to do so. I honestly feel now that staying connected to others and helping each other is a large part of what makes us happy in life.
Realistically we need to earn some money in order to live; cover our basic needs and then it goes from there. But I want to really practice this living my best life from now and that means working in a career that I love so much it doesn’t feel like I’m working and is certainly not labour for money’s sake.
So back to my contemplate and conundrum, how do I find the answers I seek (I just had to laugh at myself as I typed that because a vision of Yoda came into my head uttering ‘hmmm?”!).
I know I am not alone in this either, where you get to a point and you say “OK, I’m at a crossroads, what do I do?”
I could really use a one on one with the Dalai Lama right now! Or a bolt of lightening!