Dear Blog….my form of Dear Diary.
Each day is fading into another at the moment. I have decided to just let it be as it comes instead of fighting this quagmire of emotions and mixture of brain fog and chaos that weights me down each day. It has become so entrenched my body seems to feel exhaustion all the time even though I spend so much time in bed.
I have to write about this again, I have to get it out, writing it is different to just thinking about it. Even my psych said to continue it’s catharsis. I am going to write whatever comes from now on. Get it out until its gone.
I am being chased for bills. You can be ill but life goes on around you. My funds are depleted, I am still on leave without pay and I simply do not have the energy to fight the crap at present from anyone so its all sliding.
I watched back to back Sex and the City yesterday, in bed, I had to do something to divert my mental exhaustion and stop the regular stream of tears. I am finding it difficult to focus at present so DVD’s were it. It made me laugh at times something desperately needed. That show covers so many aspects of life where relationships are concerned in a hilarious way but you can relate to it. It reminds you you are not the only one.
My problem is no longer just about Joe but is the catalyst and a large part of it. It is nearly 2 months since we spoke. And I still have a mental play going on in my head about it all because he refused to discuss it, and just shut down on me. My psych said he appeared to be a smart man work wise but emotionally incapable, manipulative and narcissistic.
But, I found when I woke at 3 again this morning, a habit I had when he and I were communicating, this time instead of the emptiness and missing him my thoughts started to throw more negative aspects of what he did at me. It needed to happen, but it needed to happen organically. No amount of the many people who simply said “its over, he’s an arsehole, forget him”, “he doesn’t deserve your tears” “He doesn’t deserve a great girl like you”. “Do you think he is thinking of you at all or that he feels anything, no chance”, “Don’t be weak and write to him, you are just pandering his massive ago”, “How could you continue to love a man that’s hurt you like that” etc etc was going to help when my mind would not allow it.
I’ve come to realise it is very strong (my mind), but it holds on to the wrong things and needs complete re-wiring. Epiphany. Things that everyone around you see’s but you can’t see through the haze of baffling, misguided love. People will judge and say ‘why doesn’t she just get over it, like most normal people?’, I AM NOT ANYONE ELSE I AM ME and I am flawed, seriously flawed but I am also a very loyal and incredibly loving and caring person that allowed trust in once when a lifetime of experience told her she shouldn’t and is now paying dearly for it.
My mind started to open up the bad and not just ignore and play the good and as much as the bad hurts incredibly it was a good thing to acknowledge and allow it to play.
I do believe that some of the SATC episodes must have forced my brain to rethink more realistically in some strange way. I don’t know why but it did!
In Season 4 or 5 ‘Big’ left New York and and bought a vineyard in Napa but before he left, he left a record on the floor of his apartment for Carrie and a plane ticket to California for her which she enters and see’s as she is too late because she was at the hospital helping Miranda give birth to Brady! He attached handwritten notes to both gifts. The note on the record said ‘if ever you get lonely’ and the note on the envelope holding the plane ticket said ‘if ever I get lonely’. Even though at that time of their lives their relationship was not possible they kept the possibility of friendship open. Because they were worth it.
And he, even though prone to selfish, arrogant acts over the course of their previous attempts at a relationship had extended a possibility of friendship. He was emotionally, a grown up.
Something Joe did not. He let me sit alone in my room in a hotel and did not care if I lived or died. He asked me to go see him in the States and then promptly shut me out before I even left the Country. No words no discussion no care. Amongst other things and believe me many a friend and stranger pointed that out and I chose to ignore the comments even though I knew they were right.
He never really offered to fly me over to see him (once in the beginning after he told me he loved me in the first two weeks of our reconnect said he would agree to loan me the money, once) even though he was far more financial than I. I remember prior to christmas last year I had planned to fly then and he delayed me. And then he contacted me daily with flirty comments and teasing moments of allure, like “you should buy ‘us’ a house in Perth” he loved Perth (and the day after I arrived he asked me in front of his daughter to talk about buying a house in Perth she was excited about it) and wanted to spend parts of the year here.
Then he said one day he had been to the Harley store because he was thinking of buying his 2nd Harley (aside from his 5 cars) ‘darn it he had worked his ass off this year, he deserved it’ apparently…ticket to the states…Harley…yes I know…I was a complete idiot for even letting it go past Christmas. At New Year he told me he though he was ready for his lifelong partner. After he asked me what I was doing New Years Eve. Then he told me his idea of a nice New years even was at his cabin with snow all around, a good scotch and a good woman. Which evidently wasn’t me. It was just more of him playing with my mind.
And he kept it up, he would play the cat and mouse until he tired and eventually flicked me away until he needed his ego fix and then he’d play with me again. And I let it happen, willingly. Because I trusted him. A man I fell for when I was 16 and he was 25, a handsome young Yankee sailor who appeared to be an absolute gentleman. That was who I saw when I saw him. It was a psychological minefield to one so psychologically damaged from way back.
But I never pushed it, the airfare thing, I don’t believe on leaching from a man even if they are quite wealthy. I was married to a wealthy man and walked away with not much at all in order to keep the lines of communication open for ours sons. But once again, that’s just me. I have always tried to take care of things myself.
He completely shut down on me. Door closed whilst I was still under his roof, his chant “you needed to see what my life is like” was all that he could say when I would look at him silently pleading for at least a talk about what the hell was going on.
Nothing but cold. No conversation. And then after I packed and left his house with 3 days of my trip to go, heartbroken, he would not even talk to me before I left after I left his house. It was almost now that I think about it as if he purposely did the things he did so I would leave.
But, as I said. This morning I started to see more bad than good. I saw the man he said he was but wasn’t. I started to recall his lies. How he played me even though I played my part in it. And I strongly believe he did feel what he was saying was true in his own delusional way. But my feelings are starting to change, slowly. When I stop loving him it will be forever because this has so profoundly hurt me there is no going back. I thought we would be together forever, and I would have done anything for him and his daughter.
Thank goodness my mind is starting to show me the things it needed to, to stop this crazyness.