Re-program the IPOD!…baby steps towards transformation…

Following on from my quantum shift of yesterday the morning started off the same, negative mind and thoughts and I said to myself ‘oh no not this still’ and then I sat up put my laptop on and did more reading on the things that were bothering me and how to shift it. The mind was clear enough this morning for diversion and some retention, sometimes in the crux it is just not possible so this was good.

A kind of ‘if you can’t beat’em join em’ mentally but then ‘formulate a plan to combat it’ thought process. Stick with me here, if you are reading this you have so far and you know that any shift out of the mentality I have been stuck in is a damn miracle. Especially without medical intervention (meaning medication and straitjacket!..I do have a psych!). The struggle of the mind particularly in the grip of depression is monumental !. It is part of the reason some just give up, I don’t like to hear it and I have felt it so I understand it. You can’t always do something about it unfortunately.

After reading some good articles on psychology, depression, narcissism and how to handle the damage left by not only loving a narcissist ( a number of them actually) but dysfunctional parents i.e there is hope… I felt more forearmed to take another baby step, well I guess its a big step actually.

I forced myself to go to the gym. Yes, I levered up, put my joggers on, got on public transport (without brushing my hair. But I did brush my teeth!) and went to the gym for the first time in 8 weeks! 8 weeks since my heart was shattered into pieces and I started a downward spiral. 8 weeks of writhing in uncontrollable pain, tears, culminating in thoughts on the weekend I thought I would never think again.

I only did half an hour of walking on the treadmill…fast…at one stage a really motivating song came on and with the endorphin’s kicking in I went into a jog only for my knee to say “no way jose`” and aching but I stopped jogging and just stayed at a steady fast walk pace. And by goodness during and at the end it felt good. It felt so good I said ‘I want more of that’ and have decided to try get my sorry arse back there again this week as many times as I can muster the courage to (you avoid people when you are like this). But I have to make myself remember the feel good bit when I am being challenged in the head. That is the thing. Because it is so easy too retreat back to what is familiar even if it is a state of pain. It is the body’s survival instinct sticking to what it knows and is comfortable with. When you are down it is having the ability to challenge that comfort that is the hard part.

There is no magic bullet and no magic formula everyone has their own thresholds but if I can find stuff that works by god I will share it!

So the other thing I was thinking when I was in feel good mode on the tready was that I need to re-program the Ipod so that at the moment and until I am on even keel again I should put only upbeat and motivating songs on, and put aside sad love songs about breakup and heartache unless its about how they fought the odds and got through it! It’s a challenge because alot music is about love and heartbreak! Nevertheless…do everything you can til you don’t need to force it.

I can tell by my writing there is still a fair way but it’s a bloody good start….

Happiness theory …I’m starting to think he’s right about certain things…!

Here’s a thought. What if everything was just one big misunderstanding? What if I was making mountains out of molehills because I really just did not get what was really going on, could be cultural difference, could be level of maturity, where you’re at in the wisdom stakes? What if it all turned to shit because everything I saw was through the looking glass of massive expectation? It’s possible, unlikely but possible.

There had to be a point of turnaround for me because where I was headed was not good after these past few days particularly. I have spent weeks in a cycle of trying to pull myself up and then falling into a heap for days, psychoanalysing anything and everything to do with not only my relationship failure but the past life patterns.

Today, I felt progress again, just a bit but it started from this morning being frozen in fear and sadness lying horizontal in bed and then becoming so fecked off with that state something inside forced me to sit up. Then write, then eat, then read then take a walk. I actually went outside. I felt a tad anxious as I hadn’t been outdoors for days. And then I went to the local supermarket. On the way I saw a friend.

It is inevitable when you look like shit that you will see someone you know. Generally, someone of the opposite sex! (I may be depressed but I still register a feeling on the ‘I look like shit-o-meter’ so I must have improved a tad to be registering that).

My friend looked and immediately came over and gave me a big hug. I said ‘how did you know I needed that?’ and he said ‘you just looked liked you needed a big hug’! How right was he? It was lovely and kind. I had earlier decided when I started my walk to allow myself to think about things just as they came, acknowledge and let them go, give them up to the universe if you will. A change of tack. I had used it before but lately my mind has been so bent and dysfunctional it controlled me. I tried to work from my heart today, a bit of self love and kindness.

Anyway, more reading this afternoon and tonight because after my outing which I struggled with a bit I could not find the focus to even remember what I needed (this is what happens when in certain forms of depression, you struggle to think and the stress of that causes anxiety, hence why it is difficult to work) but later the walk had done the service of giving me a bit more retention and understanding so I read.

I read a different opinion on mindfulness and CBT. Someones new theory. He seemed to think that standard Western Psychology creates more problems than it helps. He believes that the mere fact that we chase a life of happiness makes us more unhappy because in theory you will never have happiness all the time. And that our understanding of happiness is constructed by cues from a world hell bent on immediate gratification and material concerns rather than just being.

I found this very interesting. And it reminded me that a certain person who shall remain nameless had regularly expressed the attitude ‘who gives a fuck’. About pretty much everything. And I started to think there was something in that even though I still think he is evil because doesn’t it make sense that a great freedom is afforded when you simply don’t give a shit what everyone else thinks of you?

Today we are all concerned about status and symbols that we are doing well. Ask a teenager who they idolise and it will surely be a Kardashian because of looks, money, exposure, popularity.

Ask a grown up and many will say Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Angelina Jolie because they have an enviable life and seem to be happy because of it constantly! What a crock!

Sometimes you have to hit bottom…..

I think I have just made it through the worst time in a long time in my mind and my life. Predominantly my mind. It has been the worst bloody struggle I have ever had because this time I am unencumbered by the veil of medication and everything I should have dealt with has come back full force like 15 tornadoes striking at once in the same place. I have hit bottom, and I admit for a small window in my absolute despair on the weekend I considered how peaceful death would be. But I held the vision of my beautiful sons and a feeling in my heart of my love for them and got over it. A sign of strength and will.

If your mind is not in order, you have nothing. Even if your body was fit, and mine was when I got off that plane coming back from my catalyst because I had worked like a woman possessed for many months to get to a level of fitness I had not had in years, my body was strong, my mind was not. He was my motivation. He was my world. He was my downfall. I let him IN.

I allowed myself to hope about the life and love I had dreamed of, I felt I deserved it, to have a happy life for the rest of my days with a man I was so in love with and I trusted with all my heart, and I do deserve it but I trusted the wrong person and didn’t trust myself enough. He helped perpetuate it but ultimately it was my own fault for allowing it to go on as long as I did. To believe in a fantasy. There were red flags everywhere, I am not a dumb woman at all but I let so many things slide because I saw the best in him only. I have always believed in the good in people. I needed to because so much happened years ago to hammer my faith down, as an adult I overcompensated in false and unrealistic belief.

I became co-dependent. With good reason but a bad place to be. Until you acknowledge where you are you have no hope of fixing it and going forward.

I read for most of the day yesterday, I read everything I could about Narcissism and co-dependency because something had taken me there in my search for answers yesterday because I had bottomed.

When I say bottomed, aside from literally hitting bottom I wrote several letters (email) to him over the weekend, knowing he would not write back but trying desperately to feel that feeling of connection we once had. I begged and pleaded for him to come back to me. He was never mine so how could he. My psych said he displayed classic signs of narcissistic personality disorder,  mind you it is on my say so using what I told her about what happened. It helped me to realise that it was not all my fault for a while and whether it is true or not, even if his behaviour ticks all the boxes for classic narcissism having him labelled only deflects my own issues. I must not use him as a target to sidetrack what I need to deal with which is myself.

When I woke this morning I lay paralysed again in fear and tears, my mind had created a pattern and it faithfully replayed the same scenario because it is familiar. But this time, for some reason after a long while some spark inside of me said lift yourself up…write. So I did. I got my journal and I wrote exactly what was coming from my mind.

This is what I wrote in my journal as my cluttered mind tried to de-clutter;

Lost it. You wrote to him Roz on the weekend several times and he hasn’t responded. He won’t. He has let go. It’s easier for him. He can’t handle his failures. He know’s he was wrong. He probably feels very embarrassed by his lack of ability in bed after he made so much of his prowess. He made so much of a lot of things. Actually, No, by now he would have found a way for everything to be your fault. He is not right in the head. He can be very mean and cruel, you saw it with your own eyes. You need to forgive him. Forgive him because he doesn’t know how much he hurt you. He is not capable of knowing right now. The lovely man you thought you once knew is gone – maybe for good. Time and life has wearied him, made him selfish, cynical and cold. Don’t make excuses for him- he won’t even think twice about you anymore- has has shown that from the day you walked out. You walked for a reason; your gut was telling you very strongly to get out. You were right and justified. Believe in yourself, you are a clever girl, you were trying to look after yourself. DO IT NOW, LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. Life is for living not existing. LIVE, LIVE NOW.

I stopped writing and read it back, twice. And in that moment I felt a seed of clarity that I have not felt in a while. A seed. That is all it takes. Water it and it will grow (he once said that about your relationship girl remember..the onus was on you. Yet more subtle manipulation from one so practiced at it…acknowledge and let it go).

There are so many things that he said and so many reminders of our time I have found it hard to think of anything else. Aside from mothers guilt about my son.

That’s what I have to work on. Reminding myself when my mind tries to hijack my progress, about the wank and the bullshit. But also remind myself that I was and am a mother that loves her sons without question and always tried her best to shield them from the shades of crazy you were (it took so much to act normal when inside you were a mess), did her best to give whatever she could to them particularly love and security, confidence, everything I never had as a child.

Now I have to break the cycle. I have to break all of the cycles. One by one. Never again let it take you down. NEVER.

Alcohol and Music…a moments peace

Alcohol and Music, I’ve avoided both for good reasons, yet, after a Margarita and some tunes I wonder why…nice temporary relief

https://youtu.be/b-3BI9AspYc – What Now by Rihanna

https://youtu.be/XgeKHTcufLY – What kind of man – Florence and the Machine

https://youtu.be/O6P2_i0Y6ms – The Chain – Fleetwood Mac live

https://youtu.be/2aRWBHEIzNA – Moon and the Sky – Sade

https://youtu.be/Q7RPCFfudmU – You’ve got a friend – James Taylor

What goes on in a mind that has severely lost it…really

I have really lost it. I know I have. I have been lying in bed most of the time since I wrote my last post, writhing. Crying, feeling despair, anger, resentment, hurt, pain, just suffering. Then I’ve felt guilt extreme guilt for so many things, about my son and not being well enough to rise above this and just get my sorry arse over to him somehow. The time I am missing with him. How my youngest (18) seems to be the one picking up the slack where my unwell eldest son (20) is concerned his father seems to be getting him to look after him in his Uni break and a carer for some hours. It should be me, at one stage I asked to be his carer but my ex would not allow it. And under his fathers control I haven’t had any say in any of it for a good few years now and we simply can not communicate with each other, at all. I feel guilty about that even though I have the least amount of control of it. I should be doing more. I simply have no fight left in me after years of it.

I am wallowing in these feelings for a man still who I does not want me or care if I exist. I keep making excuses for everything and worrying about him, his state of mind, his inability to perform physically when we were together, how he is not looking after himself really even though he says he is, on medication, eating crap, working too hard, that the little time we could have had together will never happen because he is going to die earlier than he thinks (yes, this is how my mind works). I think about how amazing he was in the beginning his words, his encouragement, his pretend warmth and supposed love and care which eventually waxed and waned when I started to pull away from it because something deep inside me activated survival mode and he wanted full control and devotion from me and I wouldn’t give it, I couldn’t, I have been in survival mode for so long I knew no other way.

Now survival is all I am doing, but it has tapered to exist. No joy.

I keep questioning why do I still see the good in him. What was it about him, that stops me from letting it fully go. Why am I so selfish to be focusing on that when my son needs me… but the thought of someone needing so much when I can’t function fills me with dread and fear and guilt and incapacitates me further. I try to work out why? Why? I asked my psych yesterday why? She said this is what we are working on getting to the bottom of, to draw it out and be rid of it. I have said it out allowed “I want this to be the end of it all, now” and its just not happening, Why? The chaos is bad in my head right now, I am going to have a drink this afternoon I am, I have to, it might give me a temporary peace. If not I will take the mild sleeping pills I have because I need to silence this mind chatter today I just do, its too much….that does not mean I want to die, I just want peace.

When you know it’s not good…this is real depression..exposed…

I woke this morning and said ‘what now?’. Then I decided to read Facebook and see the happy people and their happy comments and they really are truly happy and that is fantastic, and then unfortunately the sarcastic posts of people unhappy with their own lives so they post sarcastic posts having a go at others just to make themselves feel better. Then there are those that post positive affirmations in attempt to show people that life is really good even when you know inside they are a mass of chaos, or ignoring their truths, but you know fake it til you make it!

At least I am quite blatantly open about my misery. I don’t hide it anymore, how can I when I post these blogs publicly.There were a few happy people, and as much as I was happy for them there was also an envy…how good it must be to wake up and be glad to be alive and have a happy positive and well functioning mind. What a blessing. When your mind won’t even respond to a message abut how one of your sons is missing you, you are in trouble. I sort of know why my psych suggested going back on the meds yesterday. Even alcohol seemed like a waste of time yesterday, it wasn’t going to numb me enough or make me happy even temporarily so I let it sit in the bag in which I purchased it, unopened.

You see posts of hope; people surviving cancer, hope for young children, how someone has beaten the odds, risen above challenges, made lots of money and driving fancy cars, brilliant new shoes they bought, fantastic new houses, great trips they are taking, all this good…and you just feel…half their luck…I hope I can wake up again tomorrow and maybe something has changed for the better in my mind, miraculously, cause right now I’ve lost the will to challenge the negative thoughts. Maybe writing this will help, maybe.

At this point I am finding it hard to see how the hell I am going to switch my thinking around. She (psych) asked me if I felt I wanted to self harm, I responded with a firm NO (I always think of my boys as my anchor to this earth) but wasn’t I doing it anyway? Thinking the thoughts I have about a relationship long ended, with a man who never gave a damn about me (boy was he a smart man, who would like to be around a person who is such a Debbie Downer). About a life I look back at and find it hard at present to see any good from it, except my sons.

I wrote in my gratitude diary this morning, page 1. As told by my psych. I struggled. But she said write even if you don;t feel it. Plant the seed, each day it will grow. So I did it. It remains to be seen.

I know one of my sons wants to see me right now. His carer messaged me yesterday and asked me to go see him as he apparently cried when he was talking about me. But I find myself unable to move, I am numb, I cry all the time, my mind is buggered and usually I could hide that but right now I can’t summon the strength to. I am far away, I can’t go near the house where he is staying because my ex and his wife won’t have me near the house. I have no car. I can’t afford to take him out really, yes I bought a bottle of wine yesterday but it was cheap and it was supposed to help but I never touched it. I don’t want him to see me this way. He deserves better.

I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. There is no point. Rehashing shit just makes it worse. I am in life limbo, just hanging in there….when will this end? I will not take medication, will not. So whats the answer? How to turn a mind around from something that has a powerful grip on me…..

Do I have to have a title?

Blah. Some days things are just too hard. Including finding a title for my blog even though I knew I needed to write both my blogs. Not really needed, wanted to.  I started another blog but this time about local Oz politics  (called Aussie politics the farce) or the incompetency there of and intend to use it for good purpose when my brain fog lifts. But it is hard when I feel like I have been through the ringer after a psych session. I can’t think straight at times. That is also symptomatic of depression, brain incompetence. Sometimes I really do forget what day it is! It seems like forever this has been going on but it is still not quite 2 months and everything I have to deal with will not simply disappear in the blink of an eye. It has taken years and months to implant.

We have become so used to instantaneous in our everyday life, we need everything now and our attention spans seem to match and if something goes on for too long without results we either lose interest or want our money back! It seems the same for everything including relationships.

It was Psych day today. It is always very draining but good. Even though she seems to tell me alot of what I already know it helps to lose the plot in front of someone else, fall to pieces and be picked up and dusted off by a helping hand.

She was a bit concerned with me today, asked if I might reconsider medication even if a small dose just to get myself out of the hole I’m in. I said if it doesn’t change over the next week or so I will consider it and that is a big thing because I took it for years, it took me months and months and lots of illness to get off them and I swore I would never go back on them.

You see, it veils everything. Evens out the peaks and troughs but to me life is full of peaks and troughs you just need to know how to navigate them with confidence and strength of mind, plus I firmly believe they made me worse in the end. I know this has been a bit worse than first thought but I know I will get through it. I have to. Life is for living, not just surviving. I want to live life unmedicated, I won’t say be normal cause I find that ridiculously BORING, but learn to work within certain bounds of normalcy and conformity (YUK).

Anyway I know what got me here…Joe. Over the months of our reconnect I had fallen deeply in love with him and had told myself we were going to really give this is go even though the odds were bad and that I was not going to give up easily like I had before on other relationships. (Yes I am gonna keep saying it til it makes me sick inside to utter his name and then NEVER EVER AGAIN). Why the Universe saw fit to introduce us again after 30 long years and half a globe apart will baffle me until the day I die.

The timing of our reconnect was lousy. I was doing OK getting myself off the medication after 17 years and coming out of a bad time after years of my sons illness and many other things, the kids were older and I finally was able to deal with ME, and his carrying on brought an artificial high that I was unprepared to cope with. And I know he knew that. We discussed everything, I trusted him implicitly with things I had never told anyone and he wanted to know in the early days, he wanted to know everything about me and what had happened over the last 30 years we had been apart. I was a soft target, an easy entertaining game for him to play and win.  And he is still winning whilst I give him my love, thought and care. But my psych said I have to stop my feelings of resentment (I know, that is such a classic psych statement!) and turn it into forgiveness so he no longer has the control.

Being a narcissistic, egotistical control freak he would not have taken a second glance after I left the house so all I am doing is giving him power to hurt me without him even giving two hoots about me! TOLD YOU I AM MESSED UP! But she did say I am one of those people who sees the best in everyone to my detriment.

She (Psych) also managed to get to some other stuff too which is good cause it’s not just about he who shall remain nameless anymore. Cause that’s the plan. Get it all out and dealt with and get on with life in the best and most amazing way possible…whatever is left of it.

Stand at this damn CROSSROADS and make the best possible choice with clear heart and mind and JUST BLOODY WELL GET ON WITH IT.

So aside from my bitchfest blog about Australian politicians and this damn existential crisis, I am going to start writing a gratitude journal including all the good things I am and do as the days go on.   Her idea, yes, I know it is a common thing for people to do these days but apparently sometimes we need reminding how good we are and about the good things in general! See I struggle with that. I feel that thinking about how good we are is being ‘up ourselves’, selfish.

In the days of “selfies” how much of ‘it’s all about me’ should we take? The mere fact that Kardashian’s have become famous and have made millions from selfies and self promotion drives me spare, there is so much of it around. I have even felt guilt at writing this blog at times or posting photos of myself on facebook.

I guess the part of this midlife crisis is about accepting that the world has moved on from the days I remember fondly, not just Joe has moved on, but the world has.

Time for a Martini perhaps?

Bizarre…the dichotomous mind…more SATC

I thought about him again when I woke this morning. As I said I need to let my mind sort through this merde organically. I have found that if I try to shove things aside i.e “Just don’t think about it” the mantra from most who have never suffered mental illness then I find my mind pulls my thoughts there even more strongly in defiance! It is dichotomous and it really pisses me off.

Last night after all I had said he kept coming into my head again after an almost good day of remembering how much he hurt me and why I needed to wash that man right out of my hair! He has been so deeply entrenched in my heart and soul this is like a pervasive insidious disease that comes back right when you think you’ve licked it. I did not deserve this, but then again no one deserves a broken heart let alone one stomped into the ground by someone jumping with glee as he does it.

So I watched more Sex and the City. I am up to the 6th and final season. I know what’s coming; ‘Big’ comes to his senses at the very end and chases Carrie to Paris when he realises after all the years, the break ups and the heartache he caused her, she is ‘the one’.  It shows me what happens if someone really does genuinely like you (and not just themselves), albeit this is the sloppy romantic TV Series version but I know it must happen occasionally in real life otherwise it would be a pretty sad world. I am, a hopeless romantic, I don’t apologise for it and I still believe.

‘Love, after all its what it is all about’ Joe once said when he was working on me in the beginning of our reconnect!  When he told me this was our second chance, many didn’t even have a first he said, and we owed it to ourselves to take it now and live happily together for the rest of our lives, yes, he said that, in the very early days. I have it all in writing, plus 2 hour phone conversations Australia to USA (me calling at his request because he hadn’t put international dialing on his mobile plan apparently, this CISCO Global Services Executive who commands an international team, so he says!!…YES I AM BLOODY DUMB, well I played dumb because deep down I knew he was being untruthful…..see, complicit), etched in my brain.

I was going to bonfire it all the other day, including the photos of us together when I was 16 and he was 25, but I can’t quite bring myself to because in the beginning he could express himself fine and his writing was romantic, some lines worth keeping for a laugh and to remind me what not to fall for ever again.  His reasoning was that he was an Alpha Male and proud of it, hang on, Ex Military, Sicilian, Alpha Male with psychotic and narcissistic tendencies, I had no hope whatsoever! His words of manipulation were quite an art form actually, I guess he was focused on something he wanted and it was entertaining him and his massive ego for a short while (whilst on summer work break I am now guessing). I trusted him, he was very convincing but when I got to see how he works I realised how he managed it.

I guess I have learned one hell of a lesson from this. About love, trust and how to read men and be honest with yourself. Bloody painful way to learn. It took 49 years for such a painful lesson. After a very painful life. I must have done something really bad in previous ones. But if I let this take away my capacity to love and trust there is no point in staying on this earth.

LOVE, COMPASSION AND FORGIVENESS…the world needs it in droves…

Speaking of bizarre things I get “Moon meditations” sent by email each day from Yasmin Boland and today the heading was “Relationships city, Arizona…”  (Joe lives in Arizona) and held some really interesting things like her graphic of skywriting that said “forgive them even if they are not sorry” and included;

” Even if you feel someone has harmed you, there is no point in carrying around the resentment; far better to release it, to forgive and, MAYBE, even to forget. I say maybe because if someone has really hurt you, then you may choose to forgive, but remember how they behaved so that you don’t open yourself up again to more hurt from the same person! Also remember that forgiving someone doesn’t mean what they did was OK. It just means you’re willing to forgive, release the karma and let go…

As Buddha said, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

I have been drinking the poison, but hoping I would die. I did die, inside…at times I still feel numb but I am doing something about it. As I said, its not just about Joe, it’s me and the whole way I have been living my life and what I have been prepared to accept because I felt unworthy of anything else. My mind has been so full of negative programming and experiences I am surprised it hasn’t just exploded. I am surprised I helped raise two beautiful souls my sons, who are so full of love, honesty, compassion and just damn fine people. And Jordy (my eldest son) with his amazing attitude even with the amazing challenges his disease presents…its a miracle.

But that’s just it. Yesterday on TV, when they were talking about bringing home the children of the ex Australian who had joined the jihadi terror group I do not even wish to name (their name is not worth uttering), many consider that we should not allow them back into the country because their mother chose to take them to live with their father and support this heinous group, expose these poor innocent kids to unspeakable acts and the Psychoanalyst specialising  in this area said that many have gone through the most awful beginnings and have never gone on to live bad lives hurting others. The mind can be re-programmed, de briefed, rewired etc. The amazing powerful control system that is our mind.

I BELIEVE IT and I am working on mine….one day at a time….

Dear Blog….how Sex and the City helps..is this goodbye to him finally?

Dear Blog….my form of Dear Diary.

Each day is fading into another at the moment. I have decided to just let it be as it comes instead of fighting this quagmire of emotions and mixture of brain fog and chaos that weights me down each day. It has become so entrenched my body seems to feel exhaustion all the time even though I spend so much time in bed.

I have to write about this again, I have to get it out, writing it is different to just thinking about it. Even my psych said to continue it’s catharsis. I am going to write whatever comes from now on. Get it out until its gone.

I am being chased for bills. You can be ill but life goes on around you. My funds are depleted, I am still on leave without pay and I simply do not have the energy to fight the crap at present from anyone so its all sliding.

I watched back to back Sex and the City yesterday, in bed, I had to do something to divert my mental exhaustion and stop the regular stream of tears. I am finding it difficult to focus at present so DVD’s were it. It made me laugh at times something desperately needed. That show covers so many aspects of life where relationships are concerned in a hilarious way but you can relate to it. It reminds you you are not the only one.

My problem is no longer just about Joe but is the catalyst and a large part of it. It is nearly 2 months since we spoke. And I still have a mental play going on in my head about it all because he refused to discuss it, and just shut down on me. My psych said he appeared to be a smart man work wise but emotionally incapable, manipulative and narcissistic.

But, I found when I woke at 3 again this morning, a habit I had when he and I were communicating, this time instead of the emptiness and missing him my thoughts started to throw more negative aspects of what he did at me. It needed to happen, but it needed to happen organically. No amount of the many people who simply said “its over, he’s an arsehole, forget him”, “he doesn’t deserve your tears” “He doesn’t deserve a great girl like you”. “Do you think he is thinking of you at all or that he feels anything, no chance”, “Don’t be weak and write to him, you are just pandering his massive ago”, “How could you continue to love a man that’s hurt you like that” etc etc was going to help when my mind would not allow it.

I’ve come to realise it is very strong (my mind), but it holds on to the wrong things and needs complete re-wiring. Epiphany. Things that everyone around you see’s but you can’t see through the haze of baffling, misguided love. People will judge and say ‘why doesn’t she just get over it, like most normal people?’, I AM NOT ANYONE ELSE I AM ME and I am flawed, seriously flawed but I am also a very loyal and incredibly loving and caring person that allowed trust in once when a lifetime of experience told her she shouldn’t and is now paying dearly for it.

My mind started to open up the bad and not just ignore and play the good and as much as the bad hurts incredibly it was a good thing to acknowledge and allow it to play.

I do believe that some of the SATC episodes must have forced my brain to rethink more realistically in some strange way. I don’t know why but it did!

In Season 4 or 5 ‘Big’ left New York and and bought a vineyard in Napa but before he left, he left a record on the floor of his apartment for Carrie and a plane ticket to California for her which she enters and see’s as she is too late because she was at the hospital helping Miranda give birth to Brady! He attached handwritten notes to both gifts. The note on the record said ‘if ever you get lonely’ and the note on the envelope holding the plane ticket said ‘if ever I get lonely’. Even though at that time of their lives their relationship was not possible they kept the possibility of friendship open. Because they were worth it.

And he, even though prone to selfish, arrogant acts over the course of their previous attempts at a relationship had extended a possibility of friendship. He was emotionally, a grown up.

Something Joe did not. He let me sit alone in my room in a hotel and did not care if I lived or died. He asked me to go see him in the States and then promptly shut me out before I even left the Country. No words no discussion no care.  Amongst other things and believe me many a friend and stranger pointed that out and I chose to ignore the comments even though I knew they were right.

He never really offered to fly me over to see him (once in the beginning after he told me he loved me in the first two weeks of our reconnect said he would agree to loan me the money, once) even though he was far more financial than I. I remember prior to christmas last year I had planned to fly then and he delayed me. And then he contacted me daily with flirty comments and teasing moments of allure, like “you should buy ‘us’ a house in Perth” he loved Perth (and the day after I arrived he asked me in front of his daughter to talk about buying a house in Perth she was excited about it) and wanted to spend parts of the year here.

Then he said one day he had been to the Harley store because he was thinking of buying his 2nd Harley (aside from his 5 cars) ‘darn it he had worked his ass off this year, he deserved it’ apparently…ticket to the states…Harley…yes I know…I was a complete idiot for even letting it go past Christmas. At New Year he told me he though he was ready for his lifelong partner. After he asked me what I was doing New Years Eve. Then he told me his idea of a nice New years even was at his cabin with snow all around, a good scotch and a good woman. Which evidently wasn’t me. It was just more of him playing with my mind.

And he kept it up, he would play the cat and mouse until he tired and eventually flicked me away until he needed his ego fix and then he’d play with me again. And I let it happen, willingly. Because I trusted him. A man I fell for when I was 16 and he was 25, a handsome young Yankee sailor who appeared to be an absolute gentleman. That was who I saw when I saw him. It was a psychological minefield to one so psychologically damaged from way back.

But I never pushed it, the airfare thing, I don’t believe on leaching from a man even if they are quite wealthy. I was married to a wealthy man and walked away with not much at all in order to keep the lines of communication open for ours sons. But once again, that’s just me. I have always tried to take care of things myself.

He completely shut down on me. Door closed whilst I was still under his roof, his chant “you needed to see what my life is like” was all that he could say when I would look at him silently pleading for at least a talk about what the hell was going on.

Nothing but cold. No conversation. And then after I packed and left his house with 3 days of my trip to go, heartbroken, he would not even talk to me before I left after I left his house. It was almost now that I think about it as if he purposely did the things he did so I would leave.

But, as I said. This morning I started to see more bad than good. I saw the man he said he was but wasn’t. I started to recall his lies. How he played me even though I played my part in it.  And I strongly believe he did feel what he was saying was true in his own delusional way. But my feelings are starting to change, slowly. When I stop loving him it will be forever because this has so profoundly hurt me there is no going back. I thought we would be together forever, and I would have done anything for him and his daughter.

Thank goodness my mind is starting to show me the things it needed to, to stop this crazyness.