Each day now I wake and even though I still have his face instantly pop into my head I am finding it a little easier to acknowledge; I allow myself to think about the things that still obviously disturb me about the J situation, for a little while at least because I have found that when you try to shove things away in the cupboard you actually are just postponing the clean out! So I acknowledge, feel and then say OK that’s enough for now onto other things.
It seems to be working and I guess seeing my Psych in a couple of days will offer additional benefit with the things I have opened up but I have to say I am amazed at how much more OK I am starting to feel each day.
I have never recovered so quickly from a real bout of depression which makes me question if I was truly in one this time, but there are various shapes and forms of that beast and I would never make light of the issues I know I still have to deal with to make the big changes, so I don’t keep make the same mistakes. A work in progress but I am grateful for the strength I am seeing in myself and I actually think I am really seeing myself for the first time. At 49 years of age.
Aside from that today there is a party to go to at a very treasured friends house and I have had full intention of it being my first foray out the door finally and into a social situation amongst friends. Went out the other day to the doctor and at that time the process was difficult but as I said since I have been talking to friends remotely and keeping in touch…but not in the physical sense.
I do want to go, I do feel a slight anxiety, but I don’t think that is the real issue here.
I live quite a way out of Perth where transport is a problem (at this point I have no choice because I can not afford the high cost of rent and living any closer to the city and I am by no means the only one as I have said in previous posts). Perth is a vastly sprawled city and many of my friends live in opposite directions of each other and far apart.
Every day going to work (I haven’t for a number of weeks but I will probably commence again very soon) takes a minimum of an hour and a half each way because of distance and lack of transport and every second Monday because of the earlier start I am required to make and at this time of year I stand in darkness at the bus stop and find myself having to yell and jump around wildly almost stepping into the path of the bus in order for the driver to see me. They have driven past before!
Even if I had my car still it would probably not really make a vast difference because people here are forced to drive through lack of good transport and the government keeps allowing and encouraging and forcing (because costs are so prohibitive) people to live further and further away from the city so the bottlenecks of traffic all headed to the one destination each day is staggering and its own set of problems. I find myself peering out of the sardine can that is the train and saying surely this is less uncomfortable than that out there?!
We are the most isolated city in the world, I say City because the criteria for being classed as one is generally in terms of over a million in numbers. We currently have over 2 million people.
In terms of getting anywhere here with ease and less expense you can forget it. And I think it is this limiting factor coupled with the extreme croneyism and outdated and prohibitive rules and regulations that has been part of this cities landscape for many years it makes socialising and being in touch physically with friends and family quite difficult.
I have lived in other cities both overseas and within Australia so I know how it can be and it breaks my heart to say it but everytime I come back here to live I find myself feeling miserable..feeling isolation within isolation on top of everything else.
So we are the most isolated city and are isolated within the city! This is one of the most beautiful cities in the world and I know I have travelled alot, and may people say we are so lucky to live here but they don’t really see how this place is a prison of sorts albeit a beautiful one.
I am not trying to find more things to be miserable about when I have been supposedly starting to feel better but the frustration I feel with wanting to venture out and do and the logistics involved in doing it seems a very big mountain right now. I am simply existing.
But there are so many so much worse off…..I must remind myself of this…where there is a will there is a way……hmmm?