Random thoughts…..how to cheer yourself up via the internet! Then him again…

It is a beautiful day in this city…Perth Western Australia. Although it’s winter the sun is out and really not winter at all in some ways….Well that’s what I see from my window and am reading on FB posts etc.

Emerging once again from the morning after alco haze and the brain starting to spin with the wrong kind of thoughts..this is the challenge of what’s happening at present in my mind. So in an effort to try direct it in a positive way whilst still firmly ensconced in my room I have been surfing the internet on my random thoughts.

At one stage I actually googled ‘bored shitless’ and a FB page came up(no joking!) “being bored shitless because you live in Perth” which actually had some quite hilarious posts, some quite rude but funny nevertheless so I sat and read it for a while, as you do! I needed a laugh, it is amazing how a few minutes of a bloody good belly can really start to turn things around in your head.

I see the merit in laughter classes even though when I have witnessed it on TV watching some of the people forcing fake laughter it made me think how freaky they looked, but eventually the fake turned to real and it brought temporary joy…the whole point.

Then I started to google quotes about life, positive thinking etc and this John Lennon quote came up;

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”

How true is that! He was one of the amazing, smart and good ones who made a positive contribution to this world and left far too early…something I talked about in previous posts.

It’s a public holiday long weekend here this weekend. Many go away, many take that well earned rest after a tough week at work, spending time with friends and family and many will be doing what I am doing…wasting precious hours online when they really should be out in the sunshine and breathing in nature.

6 weeks ago, prior to my trip, I would be doing some of the above plus in between making my way to the gym to do what Joe first motivated me to do..get myself healthy and active so I “could keep up with him” which he had stressed over the phone one day that “not even my daughter can keep up with me” and “I have the body of a 35 year old” (he is nearly 60 and trust me..he was lying). Well that wasn’t quite what I witnessed when there, I saw him passed out snoring on the carpet in the lounge room, on the couch, on the bed in his room and here was I fit and raring to go like he asked me to be and I had to witness him sleeping in front of and not ‘with’ me, but at least when he was like that he was not either glued to his headset ‘performing’ in his job and I mean ‘performing’ (don’t get me wrong, that bit was fine even though he had told me he was going take some days off whilst I was there and he didn’t) but the other, barking orders at his daughter or making snide and nasty comments either to me or about me, or complaining about other people and also me roaring comments like “there are lots of people talking but they ain’t really got nothing worth saying”. Ironically, sometimes I agree with him!

Yes, I know…the evidence shows I really am not over him and I am rehashing things I need to let go but as I did last night when I really recall each individual comment or moment it reminds me why and how I got to the point where I walked out of his house 5 days into my visit, a visit that was both so looked forward to and exciting and then soul crushing and leading to where I am at this moment….nowhere.

I have to continue to experience and work through it (and other issues) even if it seems I am rehashing, going round in circles, reliving what should’ve been forgotten, whatever else and this is the time to be doing because I need to have an ultimate goal…to make it out to the other side in tact and in better shape than ever and in every way…..KEEPING AT IT…

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