I have to somehow break my isolation today move from the safety and protection of my room and go to see my doctor in a little while when I really am struggling with it today. Please forgive my writing..chaotic mind disjointed and badly written post!
The thought of being out amongst people in public physically. It’s ironic because I am exposing myself very publicly over the net but it is somehow not the same. What a weird state of affairs really!
I just received a late card in the mail from a dear friend in Sydney. And in the midst of the gloom it made me laugh my arse off and cry a tad and so did his words, he calls me “Miss Adventure” amongst other things which I love!; ” Here’s to the effortlessly effervescent, always glamorous and ever gorgeous Roz, Happy Birthday, Make sure you take some time out to celebrate and reward your calamitous and beautiful self! Much love and best wishes…” I sort of feel bad for revealing his words because they are to me and private and special like he is but it warmed my heart like he does.
He had me pegged from day one! You know how sometimes you meet someone and you just click and you know that you are going to be friends for life even if you don’t get to see each other often at all, sadly. He is just lovely, and very smart and I often thought why can’t he just fall for me and we can live happy ever after in witty and comical banter and crazyness. But he is actually far too sane and intelligent for me amongst other things…
My other dear friend hand extended checked in and told me she was proud of me seeing the signs and the road to be travelled…and three more belated wishes from three beautiful souls I met over east but are now back in their native of Italy and Sweden. And I just don’t get it or understand how they can still want to be friends with this woman who has serious issues to deal with and I keep saying how damn blessed am I?
This is different as ai keep saying this time (in my depressed state) its like part of my life is just going on pretty much and the other is in a kind of slow motion and my head feels at times numb.
I am also getting a funny woosh wooshing sensation in my head now and again when I move my eyes which is alot like the times when I missed an antidepressant when I took them. But it happens rarely now and its been 9 months since I have been off them…after 17 years…..
I am getting sick of writing about all this, and reading it back…..I want to the miraculous recovery, I want my life back, but I will not take a pill and think it will all go away, I wont go there again…..NOT THIS TIME….