I woke with all the familiar feelings and my brain racing in its chaotic way. I felt sadness, anger, frustration, stress, anxiety so many different emotions and tiredness from only sleeping a few hours because I just couldn’t sleep…no bloody wonder I feel so exhausted all the time.
Late yesterday I started to read again, research..alone in my room, not really alone this time as I had beautiful people Facebook me, friends message me, a few calls and a short lunch with friends (for my birthday) that ordinarily I would not take or participate in when I am feeling this way but as I have said this time for me is different.
My wounds are open for all to see and I am sharing it on purpose. At this point I am not considering fallout. I don’t care about it whatever will come will come at present I don’t feel I could be any more broken than I already am. But as I said in my last post yesterday when I look at what others are going through many with complete dignity I am often pushed into facing my reality and how I am not handling things with dignity, I know it, I own it.
I read about letting go. There are many things I need to let go of in order to really heal this time and ‘live that best life’ I have been going on about.
But it is so easy to pack that shit away again cover it all up with the dust cloth and pretend I am strong enough to continue the sham life I have been living until now.
Letting go. I need to let go of Joe and the whole scenario that brought me down again and has opened me up but not in a good way. And I need to let go of painful and destructive childhood memories and this morning as I read an article about Sasha Joseph Neulinger that a friend had posted on FB I had that old horrible feeling in my gut again knowing there is something I should do in my healing process but I haven’t had the courage that this man has and I also know that my experience was not as bad as his, the physical, but the psychological that went on top of it was probably even more damaging and every other situation that I have allowed myself to wander into over my life…a return to that familiar place of pain is a consequence of what I have locked away or not dealt with properly.
Then I read this his answer to questions about how to let go of his pain:
I was a beautiful, innocent child. I had my sense of self taken from me. Yes, I felt anger, but the real emotion people feel when they are sexually abused is sorrow, the sorrow of a shattered heart, combined with the shock of how a beautiful child could be hurt so deeply. Sorrow is a complex emotion, a reflective emotion. Anger and its companion, rage, are simpler, more reactive and of the moment. And anger fuels energy, while sorrow drains it. It’s easier to turn to rage for energy than to sit down and cry for weeks and try to heal. I was suicidal every day for almost ten years. If we don’t process the sorrow, if we shove it under the rug, whatever we’re dealing with stays with us and eventually defines us. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/sasha-joseph-neulinger-survivor-fiff/#sthash.Pqwv7iNl.dpuf
Over this time I have had signs and messages from above or out there, a timeliness in the things I am being told and shown by my guides and angels…the universe, for those that are more scientifically driven and not spiritually (I am not altogether sure the two are mutually exclusive) just humor me..this is my story and my belief but I can be as research and proof based in my thinking as the rest of you when I need to be.
I wrote Joe another email last night before bed and firmly let go…it was one of those letters that people tell you to write but don’t send instead burn and hopefully your pain floats away like the ashes the burning creates. Not me, I sent it. Why? Because a part of me still hoped that maybe a smidge of compassion and honesty would come from him by return and all would be OK as a result. Yes self defeating thinking and actions..but I recognise it and I am trying to change it.
That is part one. Part two..today I am returning to my Doctor. Her advice ‘lets take this on a week to week basis’ with regard to my returning to work. their request for me to provide proof of sanity rather than proof of illness. The jury is still out on that. I am taking one day, one step at a time, today is a brand new day….how do I go about it?