After a nice start to the day I am once again emotionally drained and tired…I just received a beautiful wish in the post from my colleagues at work and it literally broke me down. A beautiful multi signed card saying ‘thinking of you’ and happy birthday, a kind and wonderful gesture so unexpected particularly in the circumstances. And once again I feel like I’ve let people down.
The emotion washed over my body, I cried and my legs felt weak and my body started to tremble gently. I am drained, I feel like the life is draining out of me….
It has come after the quiet came back. Some of my mum’s friends (yes my mother and I have spent more time lately and have been trying to repair a very damaged relationship) came over and brought food and cake and cards for my birthday. It was also amazing and lovely in its gesture but was very draining. All have very different stories to tell, one of them lost a husband to mesothelioma nearly 6 months ago but is still in extreme grief and cries openly all the time.
She has always made a beeline for me because she feels I understand and am a very good listener and support to her. Some of the lunch was spent in tears with the both of us expressing our pain openly but it was not something I had the strength for today.
My morning was beautiful with multiple wishes on Facebook from friends and phone calls and text messages. And I give my thanks to the universe for these wonderful blessings of care and friendship.
My beautiful youngest son messaged me and said “mum, call me, I’m running out of credit!”…So I called him and he sang happy birthday to me in baritone!! But it was one of the best gifts of all today. We talked for a long while but unfortunately aside from being in the midst of University exams he is also suffering from Flu so I won’t see him today. But that is OK it is really just another day. The pangs a mother feels, its a longing that I know will never go away is the want to just hold your children no matter how old they are, it was strong as we spoke. I just wanted to hold my son..he knew it and he kept saying “love you, no, love you more” he always says that “love you more” my beautiful boy. His brother and I have our own little exchange as well a ‘thing’ that is said between us only yet it means so much.
I feel like for every step taken in gaining some ounce of strength and determination I take a few back because some invisible force is pushing me backward.
I want to fight it but the force is strong and its like I’m in some continual fight between good and evil in my head which ultimately takes a toll on my body. My energy.
Another beautiful friend has asked me to dinner tonight, her “shout” and I so appreciate it but I simply do not have it in me. Right now the want to sleep is strong again….its like a rollercoaster and I want off of this damn thing….now…