A year older but no wiser?… I no longer exist….the challenge….

I am 49 years old today, I both feel it and don’t…maybe a silly thing to say but it’s true.

I partied like there was no tomorrow yesterday, in my room, still hiding but momentarily it helped me to forget and be happy. Music blaring talking to Jack, Johnny and Gordon(‘s) until I had to switch to wine eventually or I would throw up or become comatose….there was a certain amount of self control there which shows me the reasonable Rozy is still in there..she hasn’t left the building yet! Promising. I should have a massive hangover but for some reason I don’t….yet??!

I have a challenge ahead, but this time in my openness people are aware of what is happening and friends have been there in numbers and strength and I am so blessed and very grateful for that. I remember thinking yesterday how amazed, heartwarmed and just thankful for the beautiful people I have in my life. I said it before you can not do it by yourself and in this period of sadness, handling it differently and with hands to hold I somehow feel the black dog will not stay for long even though there are serious things I must deal with and address, not just put them aside or things will never change.

There is strength in numbers. I feel now I have found the key to surviving these periods and I just wish that people going through it and their family and friends realise that even though you may think a person is OK, there are signs and you MUST NOT leave them alone even if they want you to, be aware, be there. I am going to do something about my learning in all this…I need to be a hand to others.

As part of this current experience one person still pervades my thoughts and has no right to..he now treats me as if I never existed, that nothing we shared means anything and without any words I feel I will never get closure….Joe…things should have been so different. As a friend said yesterday “does closure really exist?” “Does that ever really happen?” he believes it doesn’t.

I still can not reconcile in my head how what started as something of pure beauty became so toxic in the blink of an eye. I had always thought myself a reasonably intelligent, intuitive person and I am still trying to find the reason and the lesson in all this. Is there one? Is it some kind of karmic retribution for something I did in a previous life? Why can’t I just let it go?

I did write to him today, on my birthday. I wished him and his daughter a happy and healthy life in the end and as I wrote it that familiar pain in my heart because we were never going to be in each other’s life again brought tears. That needs to be it. I need to now let him go. My birthday gift to me. But I will write my book and include all of the words he used to seduce me into loving and trusting him unlike any other, because he was good at it, very good, blindingly so.

I have already had wonderful messages from friends for my birthday, for now things feel a little lighter…lets see how things progress….I NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER….I smell!!

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