There is no logic at times, I feel lost this morning. How to proceed when you are living life in a vacuum. I won’t let Neg Rozy win today if I can help it. But the curtains are closed.
I know most logical, normal and sane people, those that have had a good upbringing and those who have not but have managed to somehow find the inner strength to put it aside and function normally in life would say “Just get on with it” “Be strong, have courage” and a myriad of other things but most of them are ignorant to how a person who goes through depression thinks and feels. They have no point of reference because they have never been there, and god knows I do not wish them or anyone who hasn’t a ride on this train…
Notice the language. A person going through depression…aha. I am loathe to but finally must admit and also as my dear friend said yesterday “you can see yourself descending”, and very often when it is profound I would not see it coming and all of a sudden find myself very ill and isolated.
But this time…unmisted by medication, eyes slightly opened I am realising it. I am depressed again. BUT, I don’t think this time is quite like any of the other times and I don’t think right now it is to to the extent where my illness will put me in hospital…I just don’t know at this point.
Yes I am going on, but the whole point of me writing this blog was to use it as a catharsis, a way to stop myself from completely shutting down and isolating and also as a safety net should I find myself in the very precarious position I have done a couple of times in life in my times of unshakable despair. My mind is still strong enough at present to say I will not go there but at times like in the dark closet that is my room and feeling a profound sense of hopelessness it seems not altogether impossible for just a second in time and I need to do whatever I can not to allow it.
Writing it diffuses some of the power of what I am feeling…it feels highly mad and unorthodox, particularly because I choose to press the publish button at the end of these writings. Maybe this time will be short.
I am still functioning (!) to an extent or so it seems…writing is keeping my head slightly above the waterline and doing it publicly is like my safety net, even though I have pretty much committed career suicide because this is public. Someone from my company may have already read this and be using it in evidence against me…I simply don’t care because I need to look after me and at the moment, I can’t do the job I am required to because I am unwell and exhausted all the time so much so that my brain swings from functioning to fog. They want me to provide a certificate to say I am fit to return to work rather than be away from it I was told late last week…that in itself is a posturing of sorts I feel. But the doctor I went to see recognises I am not and has told me to take it week by week. But I am on no pay and my savings are depleted from my recent trip which was also of my doing and undoing.
The exhaustion you feel when you feel like this is crazy. I sit myself up, in bed, turn on my laptop and try to get my mind started in a productive way. I have been a working mother, a working mother with a child that is disabled with s ridiculous life altering illness, putting myself through University with 2 young boys and a mortgage and other scenario’s that at times I look back and say “how the feck did I do that?”…BUT, I know I am far from the only one, I AM ALWAYS ACUTELY AWARE I am not the only one to have difficult times and I am in a perpetual state of guilt that I dare to complain or feel hard done by when there is always someone worse off.
At times like these my state of guilt only amplifies….I need to take a break from writing that horrible feeling is welling up again and I need to let it out….feel it, deal with it…..