I just started typing a new post which had poured out of me so easily and somehow I managed to delete and shutdown my screen and everything I had done with one tap of my finger. I can’t focus well today. I am feeling exhausted and I can’t explain why except I think as previously experienced it is part of the depression I have been so vehemently denying I am in. And I know I will lose some readers as I post this because nothing is more boring than a depressed person banging on about how miserable they feel and how bad things are…its one of the reasons when you are down and not functioning when in a depression you hide it from people….
MANY PEOPLE HAVE NO TOLERANCE AND LITTLE UNDERSTANDING OF DEPRESSION
But there you have it, I am now depressed….I have been before and this is not the same as every other time whether it be yet or whatever but I feel I am there….the definition I have just plagiarised from some online dictionary and this is their take on it;
SYNONYMS: Sad, saddened, unhappy, gloomy, glum, melancholy, miserable,sorrowful, dejected,disconsolate,downhearted,downcast, cast down,crestfallen, woebegone, despondent, dispirited, low low in spirits,low spirited, heavy hearted,morose, dismal, desolate, weighed down, oppressed..more
To me, the above doesn’t quite cover it succinctly, whoever wrote this has not experienced it I’m certain…!
I sat here a little while ago feeling a bit dizzy (probably from not moving from my bed all weekend), tired and lost and wondered WHAT NOW? How to move through this and what decisions to make…you can not make rational decisions in the grip of a depression unless it is the relieving decision to take your own life which is either done in a split second or taken over a period with meticulous planning and a sense of freedom and relief.
So in that moment of feeling lost I googled free tarot read online and this is what I got:
Card 1: How you feel about yourself »
You may be feeling lonely at this time or going through a period of introspection. If you are struggling to find answers to your questions give it time, they will come. This is a time for prudence and patience.
If you have been unwell this is a time for rest and recuperation.
Card 2: What you want most right now »
The Star suggests that what you most want at this time is some good fortune, a bright and happy future.
If you have been ill, suffered bereavement or disappointment in love, your luck is about to change. This is your wish card – it will bring happiness, fulfillment and good health – you may also receive a gift or gifts!
Card 3: Your fears »
You are afraid that the conclusions you’ve been wanting are delayed and fear any far-reaching changes ahead.
Perhaps things aren’t turning out quite as you expected for some reason – this is a period when your routine will be changed dramatically.
Fear not, although events will seem to be moving at a real pace, any choice you make will change life for the better.
Card 4: What is going for you »
The Hanged Man
With patience this passive time, this time of feeling in limbo and indecision, will pass. You will know what decisions to make, what or who to let go of and how to move on. Whatever self-sacrifice you have to make you will feel a better and stronger person for it.
Card 5: What is going against you »
As always, fear holds us back and so often leads to missed opportunities. Do not give up or change direction this late in the game just because you have experienced delays – stick with it, have faith and trust the universe, and you will reach the successful conclusion you are wanting.
Card 6: The likely outcome »
Love is coming into your life even if you really can’t see where from at this time. If you are on your own a new lover will soon enter your life. If you are in an unhappy relationship you have a choice to make – go with your heart, take the risk, greater happiness is ahead of you.
Both bizarrely accurate and ridiculous in its simplicity, if only…..I am so dreadfully missing talking to Joe right now which makes no sense whatsoever also. I sent him an email with a Youtube link of a song probably more as a tongue in cheek and after I did it I realised what a state of madness I am in……