She messaged me again, my darling friend…that hand extended…her words so marvelous even in the midst of my temporary despair I was lucid enough to tell her she writes well and should share it, and she should. She is one of a hand full of true friends who have ridden this journey with me over the last couple of years particularly. I went to a 30 year highschool reunion…my final school where I studied Aeronautics and I met some extraordinary people and we are now in touch again for life (I went to 4 different ones in my highschool years as the effect of my dysfunctional, controlling and abusive parents continued to shatter the chances of me being anything near normal in life…I know I am not the only one).
Something had forced me to go even though I was still in a blinding depression and I had not yet made the decision to come off my antidepressants. My sons were safely ensconced in their fathers house (not knowing what was happening, I was good at hiding my pain and sadness to them up to a certain age I believed they should not see certain things) so when they were not around I allowed myself to work on me finally.
When I say something had forced me to go, I look at many times that it seems the universe or higher power has either put me back into a situation of pain or an opportunity or situation has just materialised because I just have not got it yet!
You see…in the midst of all this I am realising as many say that the Universe/god/the unknown higher power or whatever your spiritual belief, will never give you more than you can handle. Many talk of life lessons through reincarnation and the like, that you continue to go round in circles or are placed in situations that over time can become more extreme or painful until you stop banging your head against the wall and realise the lesson you were supposed to…then on to the next..
Until you become a beautiful soul like the Mother Theresa’s, Princess Diana’s, Nelson Mandela’s and many others of this world who place themselves in harms way and fight incredible situations and help others often en masse, and are often taken long before their time because their love and help has served it’s current purpose in this life and they go to a place that their unselfishness in this life has afforded them….peace and harmony forever…or something wonderful both I and many imagine and feel is beyond what we see in this physical plain.
Am I delusional?..Quite possibly but at this point I don’t care. It affords me a sense of peace to imagine that every bit of crap that happens to us in this life has its purpose. And eventually IF and when there is a lesson learned and you become part of the community and give back somehow the wonderful things come to you even if it is not until you take your last dying breath… imagine the feeling and sense of relief?
And if you continue to be an ignorant, self serving arsehole in this life, hurting others and not learning and growing then you only get what you deserve…a lifelong headache and an end that will not offer you that place of nirvana.