I have been awake now for at least an hour and a half, its now 3.30 am.
My thoughts have been back on Joe again it was a habit I developed over the 9 months we communicated with each other prior to my going over to the U.S to see him. I would wake around three, I used to envisage it was his lunchtime there and I would often write to him thinking he could read it in his break from working. I know he read everything I wrote even though he was very busy because he would often respond to all of my emails acknowledging things in his one! Economies of answer! How I can still think fondly of him after what transpired is a complete mystery to me but I guess in time I will work that one out. I think I still love him but that is starting to change.
But it’s not just Joe I have been thinking about. My head has been a mass of thoughts and voices all competing for for first dibs…its as if the can of worms in my brain has been opened up and it now needs dealing with. And it does.
My amazing girlfriend’s ‘hand’ was fully extended for a while again yesterday after my last post as she broke down to me her diagnosis on the subject. Don’t get me wrong, it was not in judgement she was simply talking things through with me about what I had revealed and enunciating it in her very special way which was insightful, very correct and very caring.
Only recently I have accepted the help of friends and opened myself up to help during my years of depression. It was always something I chose to and felt I hid very well which I now know was wrong and yet in the midst of it you don’t like people to see you failing.
But I have to admit that the issues I thought I had dealt with over the years and particularly as I was coming our of my major depression of 2 years ago the psych sessions only helped so far because I was still seeing things as my friend succinctly put it ‘through a mist’. I was still medicated and it has its way of stopping you from feeling the raw power of the things that are hurting you that you must deal with.
I am now deconstructing to reconstruct…
I AM NOT saying that anyone on medication should cease it immediately and that it is all bad but personally I have found that I am now feeling things at full blast and I needed to feel it…I need to walk through the quagmire rather than tiptoe around it no matter how much it hurts and sets me back for a time. I know this time is different.
I liken it to having had a box of things shoved away in storage and at the very bottom of the box are the marvelous things that have been part of me from birth before the destructive influence of my parents took hold, but they can’t come forth until I deal with all the shit I piled on top before I sealed the box with packing tape. I hope I am making sense, its impossible to know at this stage with my head the way it is.
As I said in my previous posts, if there are things you need to deal with they will keep coming back but with more force until you have dealt with it or will forever cause havoc in your life.
So I am going back…back to where it all began. But this time it will be dealt with to conclusion and it will no longer ruin my life and the decisions I make in my life…including my inability to sustain a decent relationship because the men I have chosen to give my love to have not been worthy of it or I have been completely responsible for hurting people who didn’t deserve it because I was incapable of operating within the bounds of a true open, honest and caring relationship.
I am feeling hear me roar again at the moment but I know it will change at times and I embrace that.
And I will write about more interesting and better things as time goes on I know as my mind becomes more free to create, communicate, contribute and help which is what I think I was meant to do.
After a harrowing number of hours yesterday full of tears and realities, I took time out and watched a documentary about Norman Mailer who was a well known American novelist, playwrite, film maker, actor, political activist, journalist and essayist and dual Pulitzer prize winner who was pretty much a creative genius in his time although at times was not a very decent person and quite frankly a bit of a freak. And yet is fondly remembered by his large and extended family and friends and people worldwide. Freak or nice man his works are prolific and he made his mark on the world doing things his way and in some strange way I could relate and envied him his life.
I want to live authentically from now on and live my best life with whatever time I have left, apparently in some corners they believe we only have one!