I’m scared. My sham of a life…where do I go now…the dark place

No matter how much I try to hide away..give myself some time. Time to rest and recover, build sanity and become self reliant again…people..life, comes knocking on the door and shatters what small amount of peace you think you’ve found even for a second in time.

I can not stay where I am am living. There are many reasons why and I have wanted to get out for a long time but I seem to perpetually take one step forward and two steps back.

Perth has become so expensive and yes I work again now part time, well not for a couple of weeks and now it would seem (possibly never again the way things are going) whilst I have been unwell since my return and trying to lift myself out of this ridiculous situation I have managed to get myself into again but I can not afford to move out the room I am living in…yes within a house and with someone I know but we pretty much keep away from each other a majority of the time with good reason.

I live a vastly different life now than what I have done. I live in a room…chaotic and filled with a few things I have collected since I came back from a stint in Sydney when my major breakdown hit a couple of years ago.

My friend for life…that I always turned to even as a young girl…my stereo and my large music collection. Music always got me through, took me away from the crap. Many books and reading and writing material, some clothes and shoes, pictures and things posted on the wall that I placed there as I was coming out of my illness several months ago…things to motivate me like pictures of my sons, places in the world I love and have been to, affirmations and quotes to remind me not to give up and a smatter of things that also really don’t matter. My sanctuary and my prison. I am sure many of my friends would be shocked as they read this because at times they have seen a well functioning, go getting woman who it appears could probably do anything in life and at times has done. I seemed at times to have it together and be doing well.

The rest of my stuff is in storage since before I left my large 2 bedroom apartment in West Perth prior to going east  and quite frankly, since, I have done without it for so long now I wonder do I really need it.

Another thing I have learned, we do not need a majority of the material things we have the only things we need are the basic things that sustain us; food, water, shelter, something to clothe and keep us warm and dry. Many in the world survive happily on purely that. I am always amazed when I see the smiling faces of people who live in slums like some parts of India for example and yet they smile and find a way to be happy with what little they have, they love and feed and support each other. I wonder if the incidence of madness or mental illness is as prevalent amongst them? At times it doesn’t appear to be they are simply happy with what they have. I feel incredibly guilty when I think about that too. And yet I know a large part of what has happened in my life is not of my making.

Sometimes life deals you shitty cards but it does not mean you need to or will remain mired in it….

Right now I feel like I need to pull a rabbit out of my hat….but how to do it when you feel like you are straitjacketed by your mind and circumstances…..? Right now I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted. And I just want to sleep again.

You can have all the opportunity in the world but it won’t help you if you can’t beat that beast that controls you…the mind…the things I raved about and revered earlier today.

This is a particularly bad day because as I said and I can see it as I write, the powerful and extremely dark and negative Roz is winning the battle today….I am half scared the Psych police may knock on my door any moment to whisk me off to a padded cell…..

I am tired…..

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