Epiphany…grateful…when you emerge from the dark..my anchor to this life

It’s early on a Sunday morning. I used to be a freak about sleeping in whenever I could on a Sunday morning.

But this morning I woke opened the curtains to let the beautiful emerging sunlight in and had several moments of realistation, like little mini fireworks exploding in celebration in my head…ta da…..dare I say Epiphanies?

Firstly, I thought my goodness you actually slept the entire night without waking and thinking immediately of Joe. He did pop into my head when I first opened my eyes this morning and I quickly told my head BE GONE WITH YOU..YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE HERE…you do not deserve to occupy any precious space in my mind or body ever again

And as I lay thinking about how the change is finally coming I expressed gratitude for a number of things that got me here, realisations and a change in my way of thinking which after coming out of years of antidepressant fueled depressions I came to realise only you can work on the mental courage you need to rise above, to pull out of the black, but you can not do it on your own and until you accept help it will never happen.

Damn you auto-correct stop trying to throw a z where the s is…god bless America but American is not the only way to speak English in the world….I digress…

I understand that mental illness can not be categorised in shades of black in white. There are many colours and variants and the brain is a powerful and complex beast that we really do not know as much about as we think. But, I am in awe of it and the mind.  A very wonderful by product of my past  and even most recent or current experience is an overwhelming respect for this marvelous thing that is essentially our control system, our command centre it is awesome.

I have watched my sons’ struggle with many physical difficulties as his neurological system starts to play havoc with and take away his ability to do things…I have watched him almost choke to death in front of me with not a thing I could do about it because it is this system that takes hold and see’s fit to hold his throat and windpipe to ransom and tries to steal the life from his body….its devastating when it happens you feel helpless and it is only one way this bloody illness (NBIA) manifests…but it is not unlike many cruel diseases that are ultimately controlled by the brain…and yet through it my son is still here, he smiles all the time, he is the sunshine, and the power and strength of his mind is what keeps him here and going. I am in COMPLETE AWE of my boy

Often in the depths of my despair, I would picture both my boys and say ‘your life may be a complete trainwreck but those beautiful souls were a gift to you and they don’t deserve a life of pain brought on by your selfishness…Look at Jordy and his fight and his strength, what right have you to cower?’. It was/is my anchor to this earth when many a time I was close to leaving it.

I need to make myself a large cup of Irish breakfast tea before I continue…I feel inspired to write today and this thing I have started blogging in honesty has been a marvelous help to me in unison with calls and support from friends who have joined me on my way back this time…..

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