Hear me roar…or perhaps…whimper…you are a twat now p..s off …Day 6 part 2

I know I am still not well, not happy, quite sad and still heartsick. I seem to swing between a roar and a whimper.

The constant badgering from my ex friend who in the final death throws of our friendship sent me a link from Cornell University on libel, to which my final reply was ” YOU ARE A TWAT…BUT I STILL FORGIVE YOUR SORRY ARSE….NOW PISS OFF”…

Felt good at the time, I can be a hard nosed bitch with the rest of them if I am really pushed but I don’t like it and I often feel bad about any kind of confrontation.  I find it so unnecessary most of the time…generally it stems from clash of the egos and I find it a monumentally ridiculous state that never ends well.

And I hate hurting people, it tears me up. But I will fight if I have to and I know I can be a formidable opponent. But right now…WHY NOW? I’ve lost someone I thought was a friend and everyone that you share any bit of happy times with leaves a little imprint on your life’s journey and it is to be treasured.

As the alcohol makes its way out of my system and the come down grabs hold I was right in what I said in my previous post….at that time I may just start to feel the sadness again and I am.

Not a day goes by when I don’t think of Joe or more correctly not more than an hour or so still, and although yesterday I thought I was turning the corner and the hurt was turning to anger which is supposedly the next stage of the breakup process, today I just miss him and have been thinking once again about the good things that occurred.

I do need to finish writing about it all but this morning I have been thinking that I would rather do it in a more formal way and include more finer details from the many Journal entries (and thousands of emails we both wrote) I had written over the time. I recall when I had told a little of the story to friends and even strangers some were so engaged with it that there were tears in eyes and always a suggestion that I should write about it. I will. It will help me heal.

Here is not the forum, and another part of me does not want to denigrate the good memories  because good or bad any experiences we have in life is just that ….part of a life lived.

When I started this blog I said that I was at a point where I was either going down the long and dangerous path of depression or use this as a way to grow, and move my way through these current hurdles and create something really special to be shared….some days I wish this blog could speak back to me and tell me some of the answers I am so desperately seeking right now..

I remember Joe in a moment of nastiness but not altogether wrong either said when I was with him “you are 50, you should have it together by now”…First of all I am not 50 yet…in 4 days I will be 49 so I have a whole year from then to “get it together” LOL….of course I am laughing at that! And second of all, isn’t it entirely possible that not everyone “has it together” at every stage of their life and for those that do I say KUDOS to you and for the rest of us mere mortals I just wish us all a life well lived!

Joe considers he has it all together and I guess yes, he has worked hard to make his life materialistically comfortable with his 5 cars that apparently when I asked him once when I was there “What do you need 5 cars for?” to which he replied “because I don’t need 6!” quick and clever bastard!!!:) !  When you have such confidence in yourself as he does and you live totally within your concisely constructed fortress of a world for long enough you believe yourself! KUDOS to him too!!

But damn him for stomping all over my heart…something he promised (!) he would never do….and I believed him…..back later…..

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